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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Gcse - am I really unreasonable?

20 replies

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 21:18

Dd has part two of her exam on Thursday and asked if she could have tomorrow off. She is not on study leave and I really don't want to give her a day off to study. She has lessons where they are studying all day and covering other subjects. As she has ocd and anxiety I'm not convinced a day at home is a good idea.
She is livid, shouting, swearing and telling me I'm a selfish bitch.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 12/05/2015 21:22

No you are not being unreasonable. No study leave and she isn't ill. I would refuse to engage or discuss further however annoyed she is.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 21:24

I am so relieved to read your post sparkling, I really am. Teenagers are experts at gaslighting and making you feel wrong footed.
The school have just let her have three days to do an amazing placement so I just feel like days off to study (unsupervised) are not a great idea.

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Sparklingbrook · 12/05/2015 21:35

It's all button pushing I think (have DSs 13 and 15) some of the time it's like parenting a couple of giant toddlers and much the same tactics have to be used.

How is she now?

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 21:54

Well she came back down and tried to ask nicely but it's descended into im a selfish cow and she fucking hates me.
Didn't help that dh (twat) came in and waved alone under her nose expecting thanks (he bought some as we ran out and she won't eat anything else) in what was clearly a tense exchange.

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Sparklingbrook · 12/05/2015 21:58

Oh dear. What has DH said about tomorrow?

noblegiraffe · 12/05/2015 22:03

Do you think she will revise for her exam at home?

If yes, I would be tempted to let her. I'm a teacher and a lot of my Y11s are highly stressed with exams and some of them are having the odd day at home to revise. It's less stressful than being in school.

However, if she would miss a revision lesson for the subject her exam is in, or another imminent exam then I wouldn't.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 22:13

Dh has just come back from work away so no involvement. It's really me that does the dc stuff.
Interesting, noble. I have very very (2 maybe since Y7) allowed a day to recover and catch up but I am very concerned that she will get up late, mope in front of the tv and get stressed about the ocd stuff. I'm at work and there won't be anyone to check.
Realistically I don't know if it's doable/ if it's the ocd/etc.

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Haffdonga · 12/05/2015 22:23

You know your dd best and how her OCD affects things, but isn't a bit of study leave standard at GCSEs? Ds is doing GCSEs and is on SL from this week on. He chose to go into a revision session at school today and said he'd have spent his time more constructively revising at home.

I'd be tempted to let her have a study day.

noblegiraffe · 12/05/2015 22:25

Can you have a sensible discussion with her about it? She gets up before you leave, agrees to do x amount of revision and that it's not just a day off? You phone at lunch to see how much she has done?

I don't know much about ocd so I don't know how that would affect things.

stayathomegardener · 12/05/2015 22:30

DD is getting through GCSE's because of study leave.
She is working really hard at home. Only you know how your DD would study at home.
Although after a shouting rant at me DD would have no hope of getting her own way so tricky.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 22:32

Argh now I feel bad! Especially as I've been called all sorts and I dont want that rewarded. She was meant to go to the study session for the subject today but didn't.
Ocd for her seems to mean any small anxiety kicks it off and so two towels have gone in the wash because they fell out a clean cupboard ( she thinks the floor is dirty) and she can't read the words as she has to read every word at a time so loses the sense if you see what I mean.
Camhs are crap and haven't provided any therapy and haven't returned any of my t three calls following up her appointment. School think she should accept who she is and not cover up the ocd and tell her friends. No access arrangements as she only sought help late in the day.

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Parliamo · 12/05/2015 22:37

Another teacher extremely dubious about the merits of stressed out kids being forced to do stuff they don't want to do in classrooms. Could you negotiate based on her timetable? Ie go in for anything useful, or go in for the morning/ afternoon? I would want proof of revision, and if she does/ doesn't produce notes use that as evidence for any similar discussions.

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 22:51

Yikes! But what about the sessions at school? And she shouldn't be working herself up over one exam surely? And the calling me names...

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noblegiraffe · 12/05/2015 23:01

Two Y11 kids missed my revision lesson at school today with anxiety. It's not ideal, but it's better than the alternative which is complete meltdown, panic attacks and totally messed up exams.

In previous years kids would have had study leave by now.

Can you accept the name-calling as extreme stress and deal with it separately to the issue of the study day saying you've had time to think about it in a calmer atmosphere?

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 12/05/2015 23:06

Yes I could I suppose. This year it's all the hard gcses and she is really stressed about everything.

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hellsbells99 · 12/05/2015 23:22

I don't mean to be harsh here but unfortunately it is your job to try and keep things as calm as possible (and have a ).
I have a year 12 DD and a year 13 one. DD2 is now officially on study leave as of yesterday but stayed at home most of last week - she had a cold, had 2 exams and was feeling the pressure. DD1 is still supposed to be in school until Friday but I am letting her choose which revision sessions she is going to. In Gcse years, I did similar. They both find a lot of the revision sessions a waste of time and are much more productive and less stressed working on topics of their choice.
Good luck and I hope the exams go well.

Lovelydiscusfish · 12/05/2015 23:28

I'm a secondary teacher also. We try to manage things at school by changing the timetable to ensure students have revision lessons in the relevant subject before an afternoon exam. If your dd's school have similar things in place, I personally wouldn't want my child to miss out on this.
To me there are two other issues. Firstly, the way she has spoken to you. Unacceptable. Yes, she is going through a really tough time, but you are a human being too, with feelings and don't deserve to be spoken to abusively for trying to do your best by her. Only you can know the ins and outs of your relationship, and her needs, but I would say this does need to be dealt with and acknowledged at some point.
Secondly, her OCD. Must be so hard (for her and you). A couple of our Year 11 students who are struggling with MH issues have been advised to take early study leave already, which seems appropriate in their circumstances. Is there any professional advice you could source on this?
How difficult for you both! Good luck!

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 13/05/2015 07:10

That's a good idea but I have rung Camhs three times now, explained it's gcses etc, and apparently the woman we saw knows to ring us back and hasn't. School seem to think she needs to accept it whereas I was hoping to have cbt and find a solution.
I don't know what sessions there are to day.
She is asleep anyway now and will miss the bus so am assuming she is planning on the next one. I might get dm to take h Dr to the gp 're anxiety stress and then we both win.

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GrassyBottom · 13/05/2015 09:20

This sounds like much more than normal exam nerves. I have two DC and several years of exams behind us. DS1 suffered severe anxiety last year.

The tension in schools among Year 11s during GCSEs is intense. Anxiety can escalate.
If she were mine I'd ring school and tell them how she is. I would let her stay home if she needs it on condition that she does some studying and tries to calm herself. Pre exam revision sessions are very useful unless it's a subject she is super confidant in. Maybe aim to go in for those.

There was another thread on exam stress, this was my twopennorth.
Some tips I have learned over the years.
Exercise is important. It helps with stress and also helps to tire them physically when they are mentally exhausted. DS1 runs every day and DS2 goes to the gym.
Make allowances, ditch chores and generally offer tlc.
I always take them in the car on the day of a big exam.
However nervous I think a good breakfast helps the concentration. I offer to make whatever they think they can swallow

Original poster

SouthWestmom · 13/05/2015 18:11

Well she got up and went in , accepted a lift bit refused to speak to me in the car. Since getting in from work (dm was here) she is refusing to speak to me at all.
No news again from camhs. I am working from home tomorrow and she will be at home to revise before the exam.

It's all quite hard.

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