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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Last night dd (15) went out at midnight

27 replies

Minifingers · 12/05/2015 13:27

.. because she said she was hungry and wanted to buy fried chicken. We told her not to go but she went.

She didn't return until 1.20am, and only came back because DH sent her a text (one of 9, she didn't respond to the others or answer her phone) threatening to call the police. Apparently some boy/man (we have no idea who - she says he's a friend) picked her up, took her for a McD's and then dropped her home. At 1.20 am.

I looked in her handbag this morning and she had three sets of earrings from Accessorize in there, still with price tags. As far as I'm aware she has no money, as we have not given her pocket money for ages (long story),and there were no receipts in the bag. She had cigarettes in the bag. Have no idea how she paid for those. She says she sold her Christmas clothes vouchers for £12, but that was well over a week ago and she has been spending money since then. She is either stealing from shops, or from us (I had £20 go missing over the weekend), or someone is giving her money.

The question I'm asking is, as a parent, how would you deal with this? She is very vulnerable.

She is already seeing CAMHS. Her behaviour has deteriorated since she has been having regular appointments there. They don't give us any help with how to address a situation like this.

In addition to all this she has now decided not to go back to school, has been withdrawn from some GCSE's but is doing almost work for the others.

OP posts:

butterflyballs · 12/05/2015 13:45

I'd consider calling in social services.

She sounds like my niece who behaved like this from aged 13 and ended up going off the rails,completely. It got so bad she ended up in care, my poor sister has had a really rough and stressful time dealing with her but she's 19 now and finally calming down. She's settled down a lot, has a job and is talking about going back to school to get her gcses. She has not been allowed back home as even after leaving care her behaviour was awful for a long time. Ultimately she's had to learn the hard way about consequences for her actions.

A friend of mine has a 15 year old son who goes missing for days at a time and his mum is at breaking point.

All you can do is ask for help from ss and ask her why she keeps doing things like this.

Floggingmolly · 12/05/2015 13:51

So would I. The fact that she swanned out of the house at midnight and you were unable to stop her is flabbergasting.

Original poster

Minifingers · 12/05/2015 14:32

It's really not that easy to stop a determined 15 year old from leaving a house if you're not willing to use physical force.

OP posts:

Mostlyjustaluker · 12/05/2015 14:40

Yy to calling both the police (ask to speak to somebody about child exploitation) and social service. I am very sorry but it sounds like your child is being groomed.

cashewnutty · 12/05/2015 14:43

This sounds very much like a classic case of child sexual exploitation. I would call your local SS and see what advice they can offer. I work in child protection and this is an area we are paying very close attention to and we would take a case like this very seriously.

WhoNickedMyName · 12/05/2015 14:45

Yup, first thought is she's being groomed, next thought is I'd be calling SS.

Mostlyjustaluker · 12/05/2015 15:00

minifingers are you still there? How do you feel about the suggestions to contact social services?

MildDrPepperAddiction · 12/05/2015 15:10

If you can't stop her then go with her! She's being exploited!

MyballsareSandy · 13/05/2015 08:42

Minifingers, how were things last night? Did she go out again?

I don't see how you can physically stop a 15 year old from leaving the house, it would just descend into a fight and someone would get hurt.

I've followed other threads of yours about your DD, it all sounds hugely stressful. Try social services and see if they can help.

I think I mentioned on another thread that a lovely friend of mine is also going through hell with two of her teens, walking in and out of the house at all hours, drugs, drink, stealing, hideous friends. She has found it very very difficult to get any help with them.

I'm not sure how I would deal with this in your shoes. I may be tempted to call the police if I thought she'd been shop lifting.

Mitzi50 · 13/05/2015 09:02

Phone SS and the police using key words and phrases like "vulnerable", "grooming","child exploitation".

If she goes out that late at night again - could you follow/go looking for her? If it was my DD, I would have to try to see for myself who she was with (although I am not sure what it would achieve). If she was with a much older man/men, possibly the police would view it more seriously.

drycoughssuck · 13/05/2015 13:41

It's so hard to say because there's a whole history here we can't grasp.

My gut feeling is to confront her, but calmly, about all your worries. When you're a snotty 15yo your big resentment is parents trying to control you. So don't make it about control, make it a discussion about staying safe, consequences and clever (best) choices.

TheWordFactory · 13/05/2015 17:12

mini call the police. Seriously.

Your DD is very vulnerable and her story smacks of exploitation. Disappearing, secrecy, things turning up for free ( I saw your post about a bottle of vodka recently ). And most of all the way she has been utterly turned against you ( common trick of exploiters, turn the child against the one person on their side).

Do it now. In the light of recent cases you will be taken seriously. If it's not happening; no harm done.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2015 17:39

call CEOPs , the child sexual exploitation people

they will help you deal with this

crazyauntie · 15/05/2015 05:00

I agree with pp. It's sounds like your daughter is being groomed. I was groomed as a child and this is one of the things that would happen to me. I would phones the police and social services and inform camhs. If she leaves the house again without permission phone the police straight away and explain everything. It might turn out to be nothing but it doesn't sounds good.

Good luck, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

HellKitty · 15/05/2015 05:39

It sounds like grooming, call the police.

makesomenoise · 15/05/2015 05:45

AnyFucker- CEOP work with online child abuse - they wouldn't t be of any help to the OP. Far better to call the local duty children's social work team for advice.

Minifingers9 · 16/05/2015 07:02

OP here (with minor name change).

Well things have moved at great speed this week. On Tuesday DD went to go out again late at night, at which point we double locked the door, said 'no' and waited for the storm to descend. Which it did. Dd had such a meltdown that we ended up taking her to A&E. They admitted her, she saw a psych the next day, and the upshot is that she's now in a secure adolescent psychiatric unit an hour and a half's drive from home... Where she may be for a while.

Thank fuck she's safe.

Fatstacks · 16/05/2015 07:07

Relieved you have some control back Mini

Eastpoint · 16/05/2015 07:09

So pleased that she is safe and you know where she is all the time. I've lurked on lots of your threads.

bigTillyMint · 16/05/2015 07:14

Oh Minifingers, so pleased that you have finally been able to get some help for her

HandMini · 16/05/2015 07:21

Big hug Mini.

I don't know much of your story but I've seen you on many threads and I remember your name because it's so similar to mine!

I wish you well - this sounds terribly hard, but you've had a good intervention now

crazyauntie · 16/05/2015 07:31

Sending hugs mini.

Thank god she's in a safe place now. I'm hoping you and your family all the best and she gets better soon.

I'm only 19 my self but I've been in a similar place as your dd. I had a rocky 4 years but I'm out at the other end and starting my degree in October. If you asked people 3 or 4 years a go about me they would say I'm a lost cause and I will dead by my 18 birthday. I believe if I can come through mental illness and trauma(not saying your dd has been through trauma) anybody can. I'm only a pm away if you need somebody to talk to who has been in a similar situation as your daughter.

Good luck and have a rest.

pushingupdaisies · 16/05/2015 09:27

Mini so pleased you have got some help, crazyauntie a fab reassuring post that there is light at the end of the tunnel. sending you very best wishes as you start university in October. The support and words of help on MN always fills me with hope and joy.

Mitzi50 · 16/05/2015 11:43

So pleased to hear she is in a safe place and getting the support she needs.

Minifingers9 · 17/05/2015 06:44

Thanks all.

And Crazyauntie - good going! It helps to hear the positive stories.

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