Schools... your wisdom please...

[Heartofgold25]

I have a younger child so not quite teens but posted on here for your experiences, if you could share them with me I would be very grateful.

We are just at the stage of choosing between single sex and co-ed and am getting very confused....and could do with some wise words from someone who has been there.

In your experience is single sex or co-ed better for girls????

My dd wants to go to co-ed, she enjoys friendships and the shared humour with boys and does not have brothers. She is very sensible and studious and academic. My greatest concern is that she will become distracted in a co-ed setting during the teen years, and will not focus on her school work...has this been a problem for anyone? Or would she be just as distracted (if she is going to be) in a single sex school? Are boys generally respectful of girls in a class setting? Is there sexism during lessons? Or do they all work well together? Are girls given the same opportunities to flourish? Is it good thing to learn to deal with this if it is present, or will it ruin her confidence...

Secondly she loves sports, in a co-ed setting is this embarrassing or do they have separate sports mostly? I hope she will carry on with her love of fitness and games and would not want it to be compromised because she is shy or embarrassed.

I worry about single sex schools for another reason, the possible bullying. I watched some girls have a horror of a time in my girls school, and it has made me worry. Having said that I made some wonderful friendships with other girls and at least we were able to get on and work (most of the time) Alot of my friends, in fact most of them, had eating disorders too due to peer pressure. Although this might be a problem everywhere.

Please help with any advice or experience....I need to make a decision....I don't want to get it wrong! :)

It's not as simple as saying all girls schools/all co-ed schools are like...
You and your DD need to visit the schools you are in catchment for and see what those schools are like, to find the best fit for her.
Schools vary widely in the way they provide sport, deal with bullying, encourage female students to aim high. Your best way to find out how individual schools tackle issues important to you is to visit, and ask pupils from the schools if possible, rather than teachers who'll obviously paint their school in the best light possible.

"My greatest concern is that she will become distracted in a co-ed setting during the teen years, and will not focus on her school work...has this been a problem for anyone?"

Yes, it was a massive problem last year. DD had a boyfriend who was a manipulative, attention seeking twat, and it caused problems - depression, low self esteem, self harm. However, she is well and truly over him now.

Throughout years 7, 8 and most of year 9 she just found boys annoying. Now she has lots of friends who are boys and I am happy that she can talk to them confidently and doesn't view them as an alien race.

The teachers are very hot on not encouraging sexism and the head teacher (a woman) would be horrified if she thought this was happening.

The boys always have PE separately from the girls.

Bullying happens in all schools - it isn't the sole domain of single sex schools, and boys can be just as bitchy as girls (as DD found out to her cost, although karma has kicked in in a big way recently, thank goodness).

Eating disorders happen anywhere. There is a girl in DD's year (10) who has just returned to school after several months in an eating disorder unit, with anorexia.

That wasn't very helpful was it

"Secondly she loves sports, in a co-ed setting is this embarrassing or do they have separate sports mostly?"

Most is separate, because of the physical differences in size and strength of girls do boys, and fixtures are by sex. Ask the PE department how it's organised at the specific school your interested in. The lessons will be at the same time, but typically the girls will do netball/hockey/rounders and the boys rugby/football/cricket. If they swim and do athletics, the boys and girls will be side by side IYSWIM, rather than truly together.

You may find other sports on offer, but also likely to be side by side rather than integrated (other than say dance, conditioning/circuit training and those which can be mixed like badminton).

DD's school offers football and cricket for girls, but they don't do it with the boys.

You cannot plan for distraction by boys - what happens if you send her to a girls only school and she is gay?

Actually it was supremely helpful Bunbaker! It is good to know that the teachers are switched on to the problem of everyday sexism, and are stamping it out. But are they successful? Do the girls leave feeling strong and capable? I went to a girls school and we had great opportunities but it was intense to say the least.

Inmysparetime. We have just finished visiting all of the schools, they all look great and I liked some more than others. When I raised my concerns with each school they all responded with perfect answers, as expected, and I am none the wiser!!!

The bottom line is are co-ed institutionally sexist? Is there a problem with sexism in co-ed schools? Or not....Are the boys generally respectful? Will her studies and grades be just as important as the boy sitting next to her? Maybe these days boys and girls are on an equal playing field, and are both supportive of each other in academics and all areas, or is this just pure fantasy?????

2 daughters 1 went single sex 1 went co-ed.
It suited each personality.
Boys (or girls) are always a distraction. It's the hormones. If they don't meet actually in the classroom they meet elsewhere. I found sport opportunities actually narrower at co-ed. I found bitchiness and bullying worse. There was a definite girls can achieve ethos. But at co-ed there was a equality in everything ethos. The opportunity to mix with boys and have them as friends was very valuable.
Although academically my eldest did very well in retrospect I wish I had sent her to co-ed. But it wasn't a mistake I just feel now she would have had a wider friendship group (and who really knows)

My youngest is definitely more boy savvy.
They do have a brother but that different again!
Ask her. I let mine choose.

Well both my dc are in a co-ed local comp, a nicer more respectful bunch of kids you couldn't wish to find. DS nearly 16 so year 11 has a wide group of friends boys and girls, the girls work as hard as the boys and they all work hard to be the best, in music the A* student is a girl, in chemistry it's a girl in others it's a boy, my ds isn't bothered a git is better then him just that someone is and strives to be as good. DS and his friends will stand up for anyone regardless of their sex if he thinks they are being bullied in the past when a teacher picked on ds the person who stood up to her was a girl. DS currently has his rightnhand bandaged after a fall, the girls get his lunch for him, equally so do the boys as he cant balance a tray. My dd year 8 very shy and doesn't do confrontation has happily stepped in when a year 8 was picking on a year 7 girl, it isn't done and she knew school would back her.
I think you need to go to all the school's you're thinking of not just during the open evening/day but also make appointment to visit during school time. Any decent school will be happy to do that if you time if mid morning you should cover class change over and that's a great guide to seeing how they move around the school,

From my perspective as a parent what you are asking is not just a fantasy it's a reality.

P's I went single sex, girls can be bitches, boys often temper that as they don't have any truck with such nonsense. If your dd gets on well with boys now she'll probably get on in high school, you take her out of that situation and she isn't seeing boys in her daily life, ie youth club etc you may make them more desirable.

Oops 1st post a girl not a git! !!

"The bottom line is are co-ed institutionally sexist?"

DD's school most definitely is not I'm happy to say. Unfortunately I think ingrained sexism comes from the parents and all the school can do is try and stamp it out. DD knows boys who are homophobic and sexist (and support UKIP ), and I know for a fact that the school have recently had a recent drive to stamp out homophobia and sexism.

DD is far more aware of equality than I ever was at that age (but I am ancient and this would have been before the Sex Discrimination Act of 1975). She has higher aspirations than I did and although I was sceptical about her having to do Citizenship at GCSE I am very pleased with the topics that she has covered as they are very relevant to today's issues.

I agree with agnesnott that "The opportunity to mix with boys and have them as friends was very valuable. "

Auntpetunia I think every co-ed parent reading your post will be relieved and delighted that such a good balance/supportive and equal school setting exist, and that sexism isn't an issue for you or your children. I think your school is exactly how it should be.
I am so pleased to read your post, I have posted something similar on pre-teens with completely different results, shocking posts on there enough to make your blood curdle. So it is so refreshing to hear from someone who is having a really good co-ed experience. Thank you.
Angesnott thank you for your post, great comparison as you have one of each. Absolutely it comes down to what is right for the child. And because she is young, I have absolutely no idea!! :)) Who knows who she will be at 15....I only hope she is not like me at 15!! :))

hearts this isn't some utopia it's typical comp in North Liverpool yeah I'm sure odd kids have issues but it's not the norm. A lot depends on the school and your child. They will find their group and will be fine, having a diverse group of friends is good for them. DS s best mate is OCD ds isn't they civvy each other along and laugh at their own failings. Ds currently revising GCSES with no right hand tried using his left yesterday A* girl laughed as it was like a Reception child, ds just gave her his page and said you make the notes then, she did . No animosity just friends who will look out for each other.

My dd wants to go to co-ed, she enjoys friendships and the shared humour with boys and does not have brothers.

Haven't you just answered your own question here?

Boys, bullying, and typical teenage laziness can always be an issue at some point, regardless of the school.

I was going to say the same as the first reply, and, indeed, the one just above - none of these things happen 'only' in a single sex school or 'only' in a co-ed school. You really need to go to the particular schools that are a realistic option for you, and see what they are like.
My dds do go to a girls' school, but not because it is a girls' school, they go there because, when we had to express our preference, it was the best option out of the schools available to us.

Having 3 teens, I have lots of friends who also have teens a numerous different schools and there is no pattern to the complaints or the compliments between those who go co-ed and those who go single sex.

Backforgood, I have seen all of the schools in question and met the heads etc, and I prefer the co-ed personally ~ but I have reservations because I went to a girls school and have zero experience of co-ed schools. If I had been surrounded by boys every day I would have struggled to have learnt anything at all! Having said that if I hadn't been at a girls school maybe I would have been more chilled out about boys who knows...
Making this decision with my dd now, I felt it was important to know what the differences are, what are the benefits and weaknesses. Everyone has been so helpful and it has been really useful reading the responses.

Eyes ~ my dd is ten, she changes her mind numerous times about everything. Although we will be listening to her, and hope we will all agree ~ we would much prefer she made the decision and we agreed. Ultimately we will make the decision based on what is best for her. Reading the teen section, I know this is a tiny small worry in comparison to the much bigger picture as they get older, so wanted to thank you for responding.

I went to a single sex school. I wasn't bullied and had a great time. However !!!! I came out of it socially behind. I feel strongly that I missed out on learning some intricate social behaviour in mixed company.
I avoided putting my kids into single ed schools for that reason and feel they have come out more rounded because of it.

My gut feeling is to avoid single sex for reasons Heyho suggested, but I've no personal experience.
I also think it comes down to individual schools.

DD is at a state co-ed. Loves her sport. PE is set and almost always single-sex. DD is pitted against her greatest rivals (mostly also her best friends). DD's core gang is sporty brainy ambitious girls. They could not be more enthusiastically and openly sporty. The boys in the gang tend to be geeky & not so sporty but the girls cheer them on anyway.

Yes DD gets sexist grief from some boys many days. She handles it like any other crap people might throw at her. Others are dignified, some avoid, some tease back, some bring it up in PSHE, DD gives some give the lads a good slap. The count of lads DD considers as potential boyfriend material is thus very small .

DD talks about her social life constantly; I imagine her social soap opera would be much more intense and petty if there were only hetero girls in the mix.

I have a son at single sex and daughter co-ed. We choose co-ed for her as and my experience of single sex boarding school meant that I felt it important to be sensible around boys, to know how to learn and work alongside them and feel equal to them. Also our DD is very sporty. Agree with other commentator re sport at co-ed, funnily enough they seem to get more sport at single sex than co-ed & yet we thought the reverse would be true. Co-ed seem to put a lot more kudos and emphasis on the boys sports rather than it being equal. Have a look at how many matches the girls play and compare with other SS schools if that is a main priority. I think co-ed is far less bitchy as boys just roll their eyes when it all gets too heated amongst the girls. I would n't say that at 14, my DD has lots of male friends but that will come and she is getting the measure of them but do research into the sport. NB girls teams for netball, hockey are much smaller so fewer opportunities to get in.

I went to a single sex school and was determined that none of my children would! We thought boys were sex mad monsters who would do and say anything to get into girls knickers!
My own dc have grown up much more comfortable around friends of either sex/gender and none of them found the opposite sex to be a distraction whilst at school. I've still got one 14 yr old dd at school so I hope I'm not speaking too soon!