Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Oldfashioned views or actually dangerous

16 replies

Assumptaann · 28/04/2015 09:38

My dd15 has had issues in the past, over 2 years ago, having inappropriate conversations with boys she hardly knows, via texts mainly. We found out about it by finding a very graphic paragraph she had written and left in her bedroom. By checking her phone we discovered much more, talked her through it, explained safety issues, the rights and wrongs of relationships etc, but mainly safety, all in a calm, but very clear matter. We did feel that she may have initially been led into it. She promised she would stop. We then found out a number of months afterwards that she hadn't stopped, but she was now doing the same, but verbally on her mobile, not by texts. Some 'game' involved, called 'truth or dare', but nothing like the truth or dare we ever played. I am in my mid 40's and fairly openminded. We again approached her on this, more firmly, and again she said it had finished. We put a couple of things in place including mobile being left downstairs at bedtime, and this is how it has been for almost the last 2 years. Although we have always done things as a family, over these two years we have been more conscious of keeping an even keel with regards to spending time together etc. She has a hobby that she loves, and loans a pony, where she spends a lot of her time. So outwardly, everything is completely happy and normal. However, this is where I now need to know if we are old fashioned in how teenagers converse with each other on the phone? In her case, she has met a couple of boys she hardly knows, from what I can gather. She says she knows them from town, but she hardly goes into town, and they are not on Facebook. On Saturday last she was going to meet a lad, I said that at the very least I wanted to see what he looked like, she got him to post a picture, and he seemed a young lad, prob her age. Last night she was upset, I asked what was wrong. It was heading to 10pm, so past bedtime, and I suggested it was now time to be off to bed. She said that she was on to one of her friends but that she now had to leave the phone downstairs and couldn't finish the conversation. I said just pop down and finish talking to her, I had no problem whatsoever with that. She said no it was ok, just that it makes it difficult when all of her friends have their phones to bed with them. I promptly asked one of her friends mums, they don't allow phones at bedtime either. I checked her phone today, she wasn't on to her friend, but to another random lad. Whilst checking her phone, I found a photo of her lying on a bed with the lad she met in Saturday, she told me they went to the park and mcdonalds! She was also asking another lad if he wanted her to write a 'paragraph' for him, I can only presume this was going to contain some kind of inappropriate words for him to 'get off' to. We have no problem with her having a boyfriend, but not a stranger, that nobody knows and she has picked up from God knows where. Do teenage relationships work like this now? Is it now normal for teenagers to speak/text, girls/boys, they don't really know, just for a thrill. Or have we a deep rooted issue here that I have no idea how to deal with. She is a clever girl, that says she isn't stupid, but in my mind she is acting just that; stupid! In a way I can't bear the whole confrontation thing again, she knows the risks, we've told her, what else can I do? Are our views old fashioned, or is she putting herself in a dangerous position?

OP posts:
LinaDee · 28/04/2015 09:51

No you are not being old fashioned in wanting to protect your child!!!
She is putting herself at risk in the way that she is communicating with these boys and I would be seriously concerned if I were you.
Teenagers do communicate with each other in this way now but that does not make it ok.
To me, this issue is less about her being a clever or smart girl and more about the level of self respect that she has - is this really how she wants to conduct her relationships with various different "boys"???
Not to mention that anyone she could be speaking to may not be who they say they are?

It might sound harsh, but I would be cracking down on her phone use and limiting the apps she has on her phone - she may be getting in contact with these boys through some of the riskier social media apps.

Assumptaann · 28/04/2015 10:35

LinaDee, thank you. I realise that she could be on other social media sites. I understand all that. She understands all that. She knows that she can 'pull the wool over our eyes'. We are quite tech savvy, but, of course, if she wants to be, can be one step ahead. I can put everything in place, I can limit her use, I can stop the phone, I can give her consequences, maybe stop the loan pony for a time. I can then be the cause of her running right into these peoples arms, because I have everything made more difficult. I have explained the dangers, I have sat and talked with her, she to,d me she wasn't stupid, she realised the dangers etc., etc. However, she obviously doesn't understand. I need/want her to realise for herself that this is not how to conduct a normal relationship. How do I do that?

OP posts:
LinaDee · 28/04/2015 11:21

I'm not sure stopping the pony would be my route tbh. I'd want to keep her as engaged in something meaningful as much as possible, but that is just me.
I get the impression your DD talks a good game but she has the "it'll never happen to me" mindset. Can you speak with her school? They may be in touch with agencies who can reiterate what you've said to her - sexual health nurses?
It seems as though she's developed a "habit" out of this behaviour. Maybe she needs the technology removed for a period of time to refocus on who SHE is and not how she is viewed by others

Assumptaann · 28/04/2015 11:35

I agree about the pony, which is why I said that I COULD take it away, but it won't do any good, in fact, it would be the opposite, as she would have more time on her hands. We have previously removed the technology, thinking it would break the habit, and we thought that it had stopped. We knew she had contact with boys, but not writing/saying that kind of stuff to them again. I could speak to the school. I have no idea how she will react. She has a group of friends, but doesn't spend that much time with them, one has a boyfriend, 2 others live close to each other so do a lot together, another has a group of friends out of school she hangs round with and the other girl really isn't her cup of tea. I therefore think that she feels she wants more attention, but I could be being foolish, and making excuses for her behavious. She looks for this attention, she texts, texts, texts until she gets a reply. The boys sometimes don't even want to enter into conversation with her, but she keeps at it, almost harassing them. She has seen a councillor to take through her friend issues, but then didn't want to go after a coup,e of sessions saying everything was now fine. The councillor put some strategies into place for her to feel more confident in her group/peers. It's like a split personality. She is lovely to all intents and purpose, but then has this going on. Part of me thinks what more can I actually do, if she doesn't see that it is wrong or a problem, then to her there is no problem, so nothing needs fixing.

OP posts:
LinaDee · 28/04/2015 22:43

I think you need to insist your DD gets back to counselling for a bit if she is the one doing the chasing. It definitely seems like she's looking for validation but her approach is dangerous and not a path she should want to continue on.
I am a teacher in Scotland and have seen and heard so many horror stories about the things that young girls get up to and it's very worrying

AnyFucker · 28/04/2015 22:49

How about contacting CEOPS and/or the safeguarding officer at her school (there will be one)

let some outside agencies try to get through to her

you and her dad are a bit too familiar and a bit too close to the situation

specialsubject · 30/04/2015 08:49

the next step will be photos. If she doesn't want nude pictures of herself all over the internet she needs to learn now.

she isn't stupid but she thinks she knows it all.

I hope you can get the help suggested.

Variousrandomthings · 30/04/2015 08:55

I would involve the school and get them to go over keeping safe with technology.

Or is there an amazon book to help educate her?

Variousrandomthings · 30/04/2015 08:59

The likelihood is the whole of her specific friendship group is up to it. Others won't be. I would definitely involve the school and if it continues, down grade her phone to something that can only text. No photos/internet. However I don't believe she's ok despite seeming it on the surface. To be so desperate for male attention/approval is very worrying and will make her very vulnerable as a teen/young woman.

Variousrandomthings · 30/04/2015 09:01

Maybe she needs counselling and assertiveness training. She has got to learn to say no and not be easily led. Has she always been easily led OP?

Maliceaforethought · 30/04/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dumpylump · 30/04/2015 13:21

The "para" thing is all over my dsds Facebook page. It isn't necessarily sexual in tone and is for boys and girls...it seems to consist of "you're so pretty/hot/cool, I sit next to you in French, you seem like such a nice person I'd like to spend more time with you, your red hoody really suits you etc etc...
Makes no sense to me, but they're all at it!
They also do "hot or not" videos - I have a much bigger problem with them.

AprilShowers15 · 01/05/2015 21:00

My 17 year old sister is into the casual sex side of things and has been for two years (she is 18 next month so she was 16 when it all started). This is kind of how things are in the teenage world now, I wasn't into it at all but I don't think there's much of a middle ground now it's either sex or relationship.

I would think she's trying to explore her sexuality a little bit, which there's nothing wrong with. Hormones are everywhere and it's all a little confusing, my sister and I are very close and she's not the out all weekend drinking coming in at all ours kind of girl, she would much rather sit in all night and spend her time alone on her phone. My mum found a lot of porn on her phone at 15 which she wasn't happy about but it was my sisters way of doing things and she was happy, in fact it kept her out of trouble for almost a year (her first time was at 14).
She uses tinder for her casual meet ups so watch out for that app popping up, she knows my rules for her meeting anyone such as texting me an address, making sure she has him on another form of social media (snapchat is favoured as you can't use someone else's pictures) and texting when she arrives, while she's there and when she leaves. So look for texts like this.

But remember she's 15, she's looking to experience sex around this time so maybe a quick chat about contraceptives ( I would rather a sexually active teenager than a pregnant one ) and let her know that it's ok for her to meet boys but you would prefer you knew about it and you would like her to know that you don't think she's ready for a sexual relationship yet.

lincolnshirelassy · 06/05/2015 16:20

I don't think you're old fashioned, I would be less worried about the inappropriate way in which they text etc as it seems the norm but more worried about her doing it with lads she doesn't seem to know very well-that's risky behaviour and she needs to know that. I don't allow phones etc at night for precisely this reason, and because they need their sleep, dd thinks I'm unreasonable, tough!

mathanxiety · 06/05/2015 17:18

I agree with Variousrandomthings.

I therefore think that she feels she wants more attention, but I could be being foolish, and making excuses for her behavious. She looks for this attention, she texts, texts, texts until she gets a reply. The boys sometimes don't even want to enter into conversation with her, but she keeps at it, almost harassing them.

This is a real problem.

I think you need to find a counsellor for her to explore why she is in effect offering herself up as the virtual town 'bicycle'.

She needs to uncover what she is getting out of this and why.

Coyoacan · 07/05/2015 02:52

She reminds me of me, OP, when I was fourteen. Many moons ago and obviously no mobile phones, I used to escape out my bedroom window and go roam our village trying to pick someone up. I was just so lonely and so wanting to start having a boyfriend, though probably any friend would have done.

I'm not saying I know what you should do about it, just saying.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page