16 year old boys won't be quiet at night

[Daisy98]

Is it unreasonable to ask our 16 year old son to come home from work quietly and move around the house as little as possible at 9pm when his younger brothers are trying to get to sleep. He thinks we are being paranoid, but we've done the routine while he's at work, our younger boys have just turned their lights off when he's due home, and then they are wide awake and don't go to sleep until after 10pm. When he was their age we allowed him to get the sleep he needed, why can't he see that they need the same. Our younger boys are always grumpy and tired with no routine because he has an evening job. If it's not an unreasonable thing to ask of him, it would be great to be able to show him any responses showing him this.

I don't think you can ask him not to move around the house.

I should have explained more. He comes home, bangs doors, uses the bathroom 5 times, microwaves a few times (banging microwave door), goes in to see the boys (every single time, and always says "well he was awake", walks up and down the hallway over and over. Is it unreasonable to ask him to be quieter. Come home, quietly go and get changed etc, going past the boys rooms without going in, and then back to the kitchen until they are asleep? Our ten year old is seriously sleep deprived :(

Could you bring the younger boys bed time forward so they are fully asleep by the time he gets in. 9pm bedtime for a 10 year old sounds quite late.

At 16 he is probably at that teenage nocturnal stage and if he's coming home from a part time job he will be wide awake and wanting to wind down.

Why does he have to go back to the kitchen until they are asleep?
Can he not go to his room or the living room?

While I think he should be considerate in not banging doors, I don't think he should be held responsible for his siblings sleep routine entirely.

How many evenings a week does he work ? He's only 16. I don't get why he's not in school. Are you in the UK ?

we are in new zealand where we have open plan living, so kitchen, dining, lounge is all one big space. he heats up his dinner when he gets in from work at 9. so I meant he could perhaps come back up to our living space, get dinner and watch tv with us until the other boys are asleep. single storey houses over here too so younger boys rooms are next to the living areas. our 16 year old is a high achiever at school, and has an evening and weekend job at the supermarket. Is also in a band, and busy doing Duke of Edinburgh award. He's a good lad, but I just need him to understand he's part of a family and he needs to consider their sleep needs.

I am discovering that asking teens to do this or that is wasting my breath. Instead it sounds like your DS needs some direct, one-on-one loving attention when he comes home. Whether or not he says so, his behaviour is shouting 'what about me!". It is a very selfish age, but TBH I also need to 'offload' when I finish work.
It's not very clear when you talk about 'come back up to our living space'. Is that separate from his living space? Is it possible for you to be there to meet him and for him to talk to (or ignore) when he comes home? That kind of 'gathering back into the family' attention (that all of us appreciate) may just be what he needs to allow him to deflate and slot back into family life after being in the energised atmosphere of work.

I agree, it's just about learning to show consideration for other people and their needs. I haven't found the solution yet though, teen DD has to go back and forth to the bathroom at least 6 times a night which involves doors being opened and closed, various lights being switched on or off etc and is blind to the concept of getting ready for bed all in one go. I have occasionally been childish enough to open her door, put the light on and talk to her several times just as she's drifting off. She gets that it's annoying but seems incapable yet of actually caring about the effect on others.

LBDD - yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. The getting ready for bed all in one go. And I thought about going in late at night and turning his light on and ask him how school was or something!!! LOL. It must be the teenage brain, they just don't 'get it'.

northern soul - he's totally embraced back into the family when he comes home, we pick him up, he has dinner ready to be heated up, he is welcome to sit and chat with us in the living room. but he has to go up and down the hallway, in and out of the bathroom, talks to his brothers, turns his music on, bangs around in his room etc etc etc before 'coming back to the living room/kitchen' to have dinner/tv time while the boys drop off to sleep. I just wanted to know if it was unreasonable to ask him to do those things in 5 minutes, then sit with us for half an hour while they go to sleep.

Do you think he might miss them & want to spend some time with them?

Does he ever get a lie in? If he does I'd be hoovering outside his door very early on lie in day.

I think the turning music on and talking to the younger boys is out of order but the rest just sounds like him pottering about.

Could you not say "why not go and get changed quietly and I'll have your dinner warmed up for you when you get back. It'll be 3 minutes!" Then he has an incentive to come back straight away and you can warm the food up quieter than he does

basic consideration for others is an important life skill. Pick a time when everyone is awake and tell your selfish teen that he needs to learn some manners.

being a teenager is not an excuse for being a brat.