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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

teenage daughter and my cancer, I can't deal with both

9 replies

SeriouslyYouSaidWHAT · 25/04/2015 15:18

I had a lovely, sensible hard working 16 yr old daughter, who, since last autumn, has turned into a monster. I am a single mum and also have a son at 1st year uni. I was diagnosed with cancer at Christmas and have had two operations just after. Since the operations, I struggle with holding down a full time job, keeping house and everything that comes with having a 16yr old in the house.
She use to be so lovely and now she is just horrid. My son was coming home at weekends since Christmas as he was worried about me and wanted to help, despite me saying he needs to enjoy uni. Now he has said he will only come when his sister is at her father's or away, as she is so horrible.
My daughter does everything from ignoring me, to throwing strops, storming out the house. She does absolutely nothing to help, treating the place as a hotel. When I mean nothing, it is nothing. She puts nothing away, leaves her cups and plates wherever she is, drops towels on the floor and leaves her clothes where she steps out of them. She has managed to cause an incident on every significant day not centred around her since last autumn. This is not how I have brought her up and am at my wit's end.
Her father is useless and last time I tried to discuss it with him, he just laughed and put the phone down. I have spoken to school and the doctor, who told me I don't need the stress (which was helpful!).
I am currently sitting in a local coffee shop, so I don't have to deal with her for half an hour. Any ideas?

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 25/04/2015 15:50

My first thought is she is scared and simply doesn't know how to deal with the fear.

One website which is for teenagers whose parents have cancer and is linked to cancer research UK is www.riprap.co.uk

SeriouslyYouSaidWHAT · 25/04/2015 16:03

I thought that too, but the behaviour started before I was diagnosed. Saying this, I arrange for her to talk to a counsellor, which she refused as it would be a waste of time. My Mum suggested riprap and also calls her 2 or 3 times a week.
I am at a loss. I am loosing my daughter and am not helping myself.

OP posts:
maroonedwithfour · 25/04/2015 16:12

I'm sorry to hear about your cancer.Flowers can Dd go and live with her father? Self preservation is a must.

SeriouslyYouSaidWHAT · 25/04/2015 17:32

She was supposed to be there for 3 weeks after my second operation, However her father sent her back after 6 days with no explanation.

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maroonedwithfour · 25/04/2015 18:14

Did she not say why?

TrinityForce · 25/04/2015 18:21

Presumably he got tired of her shit.

She sounds like a normal 16yo girl to me, she'll be back to being pleasant by 18.

It will pass, I'm sorry it's no help but it does sound normal... Pick your battles and let her get on with it.

Reginafalangie · 25/04/2015 18:35

I think she is being 16.

I know that is not helpful but it really does sound like her behaviour is typical.

Personally I think doing nothing for her will have an impact.

If you give her money STOP.
If you pay for her phone STOP.
Change the wifi password and only give it to her when she acts mature enough to have it. Change it again when she behaves badly.
STOP washing her clothes.
STOP cleaning her room.

You DD will take you for granted for as long as you let her. STOP letting her.
She will kick off, scream shout and be horrid. Just keep extending the bans until she gets the picture. It will be stressful so make sure you take time out for you.

I hope you are on the mend and try to remember you are not the only mother with a terrible teen, we are out there sharing the stress Flowers

SeriouslyYouSaidWHAT · 25/04/2015 18:59

So 16 year old girls are not like boys then? I didn't have this with my son. Sounds like good advice. I will start this evening! And either she will get with the programme or go to her father's for a while until she gets with the programme! Seems like a win win to me.

OP posts:
Reginafalangie · 25/04/2015 19:14

16 year old girls tend to be louder, more emotional and frankly nastier Grin

I found not engaging with my teen when they wanted to argue about the punishments worked best too. They have a tendency to revert back to toddler behaviour and will argue the toss forever as they have nothing to lose ( as they have lost it already) but everything to gain.

My line was " Prove you can behave in a civilised manner and show me the respect I show you and the bans will be lifted. Until then I will not discuss it with you" Then I would go out for a walk/drive/shop anywhere for half an hour as it kept my stress levels down.

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