An inappropriate conversation

[Paulo1]

Hi I am going through another really difficult time with my 13 year old son
Bit of background I live with my 13yr old his father stepmum and older brother live a distance away His brother moved to live with his Dad in June last year to further his education My son has anger management problems and has a statement for ESBD I separated from their father when my youngest was 1 and I have worked hard to maintain a civil working relationship and he has maintained contact seeing the boys EWO and in the main school holidays
I think (as I was not privy to the details) my youngest fell out with his stepmum and for five weeks has made no effort to go and see his Dad Initially his Dad played it cool (made no contact) but recently they have been in touch and his Dad has advised he will be in the area of our home on Sunday and has said to my son that if I take him to where his Dad is then they can spend the day together As his Dad has not spoken to me about this or anything else for weeks I have said I am not prepared to do this My son is very upset and no amount of logical argument on my side will change that he thinks I am being the unfair one

I have a boyfriend who I have been seeing for 2+ years We don’t live together but we stay over each other house at least twice a week My sons relationship with my boyfriend is OK they are not best friends but they rub along together OK and we see each other one night a week and every weekend but usually just in the evenings or maybe the Sunday Today I had planned to go and spend the night with my boyfriend my son was invited and has on previous occasions been happy to go but on this occasion he said he didn’t want to go and so I made arrangements for him to stay at my parents He didn’t want me to go but I think sometimes I need to make a stand and do something for me so I once again told him he was welcome to come or stay with his grandparents but whatever he chose I was going I arranged to meet him after school at my parents where he had arranged to go out with my Dad however when I got there he was already there and distraught as my Dad had left before he got there I spoke to him about his disappointment and offered once again for him to come with me as it was clear that he could not stay there with just my quite elderly mother He began to get very rude and said why don’t I just go to my boyfriends and smooch and have sex! At that point I said I was not going now as I could not leave him in that state and that I was going home and he should come home and join me which he did
I thought it best to give him space but when he seemed to have calmed down and was calmly engaging in conversation (what are we having for dinner what time is dinner ) I asked him to explain his rudeness He said he was fed up with listening to my boyfriend and I have sex and why do we have to have sex when he is in the house and cant we wait until he is out the house at his Dads and that we don’t have sex when my boyfriend’s daughters are in the house To say I was shocked and embarrassed is an understatement

As a couple in our late 40’s we obviously do have sex but I thought we were always very discreet when other people were in earshot and I am so shocked that he would bring this up Although I was very embarrassed as I am not used to and don’t want to talk about my sex life (or anybody else’s) with my children or anybody else! I tried talking calmly about it to him I apologised about him being able to hear but when he said he wanted us to stop having sex when he is in the house I said I was not prepared to do that and then he got cross punched the door and stormed off I realise that there is a lot of things going on in this post (and our lives) but I do believe they may be related which is why I have added them
I need to continue my talk with him about this (I think) but would like some advice before I tackle this as I really have no idea how too
Any thoughts welcome!

Why on earth will you not take him to meet his dad on Sunday? It's not your son's fault his dad didn't speak to you about it. It seems he's way down everyone's list of priorities. You won't take him to meet his dad (who he's not seen for ages), his grandad goes out when your son visits, and he rightly or wrongly believes that your boyfriend is your priority.

It's a difficult age for boys. He needs someone to spend time with him.

I think you should take him to meet his dad on Sunday.

Hi
Thank yo ufor you comments Yep I agree and I was re-thinking that but my reasons were that their father takes me for granted and only does things on his terms and I though it healthy for my son to see me sticking up for myself but as said I do realise that the only person this is effecting ismy son so I am re-thinking

but in the mean time how do I broach the sex conversation?

Cringe. The right thing to do is probably say you're not going to stop, and it's natural etc, but that you're sorry for making a noise and you'll try and be quieter. But I'd never mention it and never have sex when he was in the house again! Good luck.

Cringe indeed! I have said I will not be stopping its natural and I apologised but he lives with me how can I not have sex again when he is in the house(or were you being flippant?!) Thanks for the Good Luck sentiment do you think its within the bounds of reasonable for him to bring it up?

I think it's reasonable for him to bring it up. it is not a great thought to imagine your parents having sex, but particularly mortifying at his age. make sure he doesn't hear you again. If he wants you to tell him you won't do it again when he's there then do the right thing by him. you are causing damage, sorry

I think it's time you made him a priority.

He doesn't seem to come first for anyone and I can totally sympathise with him over the absolute horror of having to listen to you having sex.

Even worse, that you're insisting you'll keep doing it when he's at home, when in his mind you give that courtesy to other family members.

I'd say start listening to him or start seriously saving for his therapy.

teenagers and love lives are not a winning combination .I find it very uncomfortable in a small house getting romantic with a child that never sleeps is impossible!

Hmmmm that didn't quite come out right but I'm sure you get what i meant

take him to see his Dad on Sunday.

Agree with others. You need to make his felings a priority right now or lose him and his respect. You are the adult. I would be mortified if our children heard us hence the reason we pick our occasions.

Thank you all for your comments
I didn't imagine having children would be such a minefield but then I have been thinking that for the last decade
A couple of points:
Why is it still my job after thirteen years to facilitate contact with his father when I am undermined disrespected and ignored by him(the father) and when I have a gut feeling that this behaviour is rubbing off on my son
My son choose not to visit his father on the usual contact weekends (can hazard a guess that he did not want to face the consequences of the row with his stepmum) but now all that has blown over I am the one that has to go out of my way for them to meet even in the face of my sons rudeness
For most of the week he is my priority there is only the two of us here. We do lots together I am there for him every morning and every evening Is it healthy for him to think that he should have all my attention for a huge portion of the time
I understand about listening to your Mum have sex and all that involves but we are not loud we are discreet, he is more often then not asleep and the comments about 'extending the courtesy to others' is not correct we don't have anybody else sleep in our homes As said I do get the uncomfortableness of hearing your parents have sex and I have apologised and advised that we will to be quieter but I am reluctant to allow him to think that these conversations are appropriate or he has a say in my life/sex life
I am a person too and I do deserve respect and a certain amount liberty No amount of attention from me is going to make up for the fact that his father only wants to see him on his terms(as I see it)
Once again thank you for your comments and interest

tbh, I know there's other stuff going on but the sex thing to me is so important. You seem to be saying to him, I will still be having sex with my boyfriend whether you like it or not, I will try to be quieter but we'll still be doing it.

it's just wrong, but you seem to think it's ok

I can imagine he feels really low down everyone's priorities. Yes, his dad should have contacted you but that's not your son's fault. I think you should take him to see his dad, however unfair that is for you it doesn't matter, it's more unfair to your son.

I hated hearing my parents having sex and it would have been worse if it was my mum and a boyfriend. I don't know how to fix that but feel you need to be sensitive, it sounds like he's having a really shitty time.

I don't think its wrong adults in loving relationships have sex . My DD heard me when she was younger I was mortified but was at an age I could make adequate excuse to explain !
I am currently single and have put my love life on hold recently the thought of having sex in a tiny house with a Teenage DD who never sleeps fills me with dread.
I don't think its necessary to say you'll never have sex again with him in house .I'm presuming he doesn't often go to friends houses?! I would apologise that he heard you then leave it there and just be super discreet in future. Promising your child you won't have sex is a bit much. However I'd maybe "pop" to your boyfriend in future to avoid your sons embarassment.

OP can you see the double standards in your post? Your DS decided that he didn't want to spend time with his Dad and step mum, and you facilitated that, but when he said he didn't want to spend time with your parent, you insisted that he had to?

I suspect the issue of hearing you have sex is the manifestation of far more complicated emotions.

Your DS is your responsibility and, assuming that you believe that he benefits from a relationship with his Dad, it is your responsibility to facilitate that. Leaving it "up to your son", not getting involved and refusing to support their contact sends your DS a clear message that in your opinion, his dad is unimportant in his life.

The reason your DS is lashing out at you about your own relationship may be because he sees you placing more importance on that.

I think what I meant was not to promise that you won't have sex again when your son is there, but to promise him he won't ever hear you again.

Once again Thank you for your comments I have to shut down now but will reply later

NerrSnerr
Thank you for your comments I will be sensitive to him I am of course mortified that he says he can hear us
Givemestrength38
Many thanks for your common sense approach I have apologized and we are going to be more discreet No he does not go to friends at all but as mentioned he does go to his Dads so we do have opportunities PeruvianFoodLover I think you make some good points with reference to 'a manifestation of far more complicated emotions' but I disagree about double standards
I did not facilitate him choosing to not spend time with his father and Stepmother for many months now I have been deliberately excluded from the contact arrangements I have just been planning my life around what has been decided When my son advised he did not want to go I suggested to him that he went (amongst other things like facing consequences of actions) but he refused and faced with that and no communication from their Dad what were my options?
At no point did he say he did not want to spend time with my parents he choose that option (albeit instead of going to BF) and even when my Dad let him down he would of stayed but I thought it inappropriate because of the emotional state he was in He is very close to them and incidentally my Dad rang him up to apologize and we have happily spent some time at theirs today
I used to think it was important that my sons have a relationship with their Dad and I still do but not if I have to ignore the total lack of respect that is being shown to me also what kind of lesson is my son learning from witnessing me tolerate that?
Gymbob
Thank you for your comments I do understand what you mean but I have always understood that you should never promise something that you are not sure you can deliver and without never having sex whilst he is in the house again how do I know that he will never hear All I can say (and have done) is that I will try to be quieter
Thankfully we have had a much better day today we have spent a chilled Saturday together and have just come back from town I have said all I am going to say on the subject of my sex life to him and unless he mentions it I will not be bring it up again
Once again Thank you all for your comments

all the best to you, glad you've had a good day together