Son seems to have no friends - knows he is unpopular

[Bambambini]

He's nearly 13 and seems to have real problems making friends. He has one boy he sees as I'm friends with his mum so I make an effort to get them together so not sure if they are really friends or it's just circumstance.

This has been evident for over a year or such. Just don't know what to do. I just don't know how serious it is. He really feels it and I don't want to make too much of it but don't know what to do, how to deal with it.

He's older now and I can't make other kids like him and I really don't know what is going on. I just want him to have a few nice friends that he can call and do things with. I just don't undrstand it or what the problem is.

Was in tears tonight as there is a party and he thinks he's the only one not going.

Does he have to stay at that school?

You both have my sympathy. When ds1 was about the same age he had very similar problems. He used to sit in our front room all weekend while his ex-friends from primary would walk past our house. He looked so lonely and we even found on our internet history that he'd been searching for stuff like 'how do I make friends?' He did bring friends home but he didn't seem to click with anyone. What really made things change was that he moved football teams and suddenly found a lot of kids that he got along with. He ended up moving to the school most of them went to in year 9.
Looking back I can see the problem wasn't in him, it was just bad luck he couldn't find anyone he gelled with. I would encourage your son to do activities outside of school. He is more likely to find people he has things in common with. Btw if you search on mumsnet you'll find this is a very common problem. Teenage years are so hard.

Thanks for the replies. It helps if others have similar worries and experiences.

I've felt things haven't been right since primary really but almost scared to look too closely in case there is something deeper going on or my beautiful son has something that makes people back off. He was a bit down about it a while back even seemed keen on a move abroad we were dallying with. Then he seemed fairly happy at school and recently says he doesn't want to move but likes school. I don't want to make too much of it in case I put any of my worries onto him and end up making it more of an issue than it Is. I casually ask everyday how school is and he always seems ok about it. And he mostly goes off each morning fairly happy. He could move school but I don't think he would want to and what if he carried this problem with him.

It's a shame for when he started high school over a year ago be loved it (had had a few problems at primary), seemed to be making friends and enjoying the buzz with lots of new kids. It all seemed to tail off and where we live there aren't that many kids about and we live out of catchment. No one calls for him, no one texts or seems to include him.

He has always done a lot of after school activities and team sports and I can see that he is never the most popular which is fine - he isn't an alpa male. He doesn't have to be, he doesn't have to be that popular but surely most kids have at least one or some friends.

My heart just aches for him and worries that this will continue.

Is there anybody, apart from your friend's DS, that he could invite round at the weekend? To do something specific, such as go to the cinema or play computer games.

I understand how you feel. My eldest feels dreadfully lonely and isolated and would give anything for some mates. He's 15 and has autism and he's the kindest, sweetest, nicest person but most kids can't see past his autism and won't give him a chance. He'd be an amazing friend.

It is heartbreaking. And I don't know if you're like me, but I feel angry. I want to go to them and shake them and say WHY can't you see what a great person this is?!

Are there other sorts of clubs and groups your son can join? What are his interests?

Hi Babbamini, I'm so sorry to hear of your upset and I can totally empathise, he sounds very like my DS, who's now 15yrs and has only had one friend at home over the years and even he doesn't really live nearby. My DD is even worse on that score, there is no one for her to hang around with, it's heartbreaking to see them lonely at times isn't it? I truly think that a lot of the problem thesedays is that children do not play outside so much, they just don't meet other children as they are indoors!

The thing that has helped them both is a sports club that they got into a few years ago, it gave them some confidence. Is your DS interested in any hobbies, clubs he could join? It's hard but yes I don't think you want to show him how worried you feel. As you can see from these posts he is by no means the only one in this 'predicament' , do you think it would help him to know this if you are chatting about this issue? He may think he's the only one and I think you always feel better when you know there's others in the same boat.

Is there any pastoral care at school that can possibly help get him into an activity with like- minded children?

Hugs and best wishes to all mums on here, lets all support each as much as we can.

I have a 14 year old that is the same - we are now thinking of seing whether an assessment for Aspergers might be useful in at least him being aware that it isn't necessarily just him, that there is a reason etc. He goes to things and gets involved in clubs etc but can't seem to speak to people, he seems lonely and unhappy but has had periods where he has had friends but seems unable to sustain it or be included by them as he wont put himself forward iyswim - i think if he said to them to do something they may include him but he wont.

Does your son have any communication issues or is it just that he doesn't share interests?

I also had a teenage boy like this, and things did get a bit better as he grew older and got into a more senior sports team. And better still once he could drive. It's very tough. I think just encouraging them to pursue interests eventually gets them to where they can meet like minds.

I didn't really have any 'proper' and 'nice' friends at secondary school. Thought it must have been me. Got to uni and surely clicked with lots of people, same when starting work and moving cities. It wasn't anything wrong with me, it was just I didn't click with the people I was with at school.

So no real advice, other than to try not to show it bothers you. Keep taking him to various activities, and facilitate gladly when he does get invited to stuff.

what does he like?

He may find like minded people at activities he's into (be that tech, sport or scouts etc.)

It is hard, isn't it? It often is just bad luck, and doesn't mean it will eb like that for life!

The other thing that cheered me up was about 18 months ago when my son, then nearly 16, lost his rather geeky hairstyle and started taking more care over his appearance. I took him with me to my daughter's school to help deliver something and I realised that a whole load of girls had come to a stop and were looking at him. Admiringly. He is actually quite striking and we hadn't really caught up with how his looks had developed. He's also quite nice to talk to as he's not always bigging himself up or being over-macho. I think a bit of feminine admiration has bucked up his self-confidence. I mean, who cares if BOYS in your year don't like you, when girls are eyeing you up. ;) Your son may be a few years away from this, OP, but just wait! If your son is a nice lad it may be that he will be very welcome as a friend by the girls in a little while.