DD on self destruct any advice....

[givemestrength38]

DD is 14.Until about two years ago things were good she tried at school(always struggled academically but tried her best which is all I ask), was polite, helped out a bit around the house and was very cheerful. Fast forward till now and my patience is beginning to run out I just do not know where to go or how I can persuade her to engage.
She is completely lazy to the point I find the most unsavoury things in her clothes drawers! Asking her to so something requires blood sweat and tears.
She has given up at school and is very defiant and does no work.
She will not engage with hobbies anymore.
She has turned so negative I hate so say it but it can be depressing to speak with her as it is always involving "Hate this/them/that" seems to get enjoyment from nothing !
Is addicted to her phone that seems to be her only interest
Is verbally very aggressive and always brewing !
She will no longer engage with CAMHS as she "doesn't need it" if I make her attend she just sits silently sulking and won't engage. (she sees them for behavioural and emotional issues)

It is an all round lack of any engagement in every aspect of her life she has become really pessimistic and seems to get little joy from anything (although sounds much sunnier when chatting to friends). I have tried sanctions to no avail. I have tried rewards to no avail .Same at school not bothered by detentions being on report etc. neither bothered by rewards. She will not engage with professionals (CAMHS , Gp). Had a very challenging week last week about going back to school she wants to be home schooled but wont do any work. Whilst I feel awful for her at times that wears thin as she will not accept advice or help and stands defiant. She is clearly depressed and anxious but won't try medication or therapy. When out of the house at school or out with friends she spends 90% of the time on the phone to me if I don't answer she gets more and more irate it is so painful seeing her like this but failing to help.
Has anyone been through similar experiences?!

DD is very similar except in relation to when she's out with friends, when I rarely hear from her. She wants to be out as often as possible, for as long as possible.

I have never managed to persuade my dd to do anything constructive in relation to hobbies, sport, anything really. In fact everything I have ever said to her in relation to this or in relation to her studies has been counter-productive, and I wish I hadn't wasted my breath.

I also wish I hadn't been so vocally exasperated with her apathy because actually in verbalising my thoughts to her she has taken every single comment as criticism of her as a person, rather than as criticism of her behaviour or encouragement of her to take charge of her life and start to work towards adult independence.

In truth after 4 years I simply wish I'd kept my mouth shut, kept hold of myself, and focused on trying to find some way of showing her love and affection. I should have tried harder to hide my my feelings of disappointment and anxiety about her future, which have dogged me every second of the day since this whole nightmare started.

She will either emerge from it when she is no longer a teenager, or stay mired in apathy, but I know now that nothing I do or DH does will change her - she has to want to change and to take charge of herself. No amount of disapproval, pleading, nagging, punishment or bribery will help.

The other thing I wish I'd done is set some standards in stone and refuse to budge. These would be: no internet after 11pm and no internet during the day at the weekend if school work and chores haven't been done. That would have been easy to control, but we haven't done it for various reasons, not all of my choosing (DH is reluctant to do it).

I also wish I'd not listened to people on here about allowing her to live in a squalid bedroom, on the basis that she should take control of her own environment as a teenager. What's ended up happening is that she feels neglected, her room is a health hazard, and her problems with organisation and school work have been compounded by the fact that she lives in filth. In fact my chore next week is to blitz her room from top to bottom and keep it blitzed until she moves out.

Oh yes DD won't talk to in the house but the second she's out she is on the phone I think its an anxiety thing!
Does your DD have a diagnosis or engage with CAMHS ?
I need to get out of this non-engagement rut but no idea how I think I have tried loads. Getting her into school requires so much energy and stress I have kind of given up a bit in terms of chores. Which maybe lazy parenting but I jus don't have the energy to battle 24/7 . She is happy to take the sanction route. Our relationship has suffered as a result of me trying to motivate her but I can't just give up!

I hope someone comes along with some tips givemestrength. We are in a very similar position. Re CAHMS, DD won't engage... first appointment she said 'I don't know' to nearly everything & they suggested a processing disorder. She can take everything in just fine when she wants to, but at this stage she just doesn't want to do anything.

Unfortunately she decides when she goes to school as we can't use force or anything to get her out of the house, and loss of phone/internet doesn't bother her. She doesn't go out with friends anymore and has given up all activities.

We've been looking for a way in for a very long time and it's really hard to see any light at the end. I'm quite interested in how you get your DD to school. Ours will either lock herself in the bathroom until the bus passes or turn to violence and some shocking threats if we insist that school is very important and she needs to go. The school just gives her a lecture when she returns and she has said that this just allows her some time out of class...

She is ok in regards to school at the moment but has previously been a nightmare. I just refuse to have friends over and no phone which she does thankfully respond to. Although she does very little work wise once there!
My DD also say don't know to every question asked which gives no one any idea how to help!
The worst bit is she is quite adamant that she is cooperative and polite (which couldn't be further from truth most of the time). Its everyone else with the issue!