Sink to their level or be a mug?

[Number42]

Most weekday mornings my dd14 asks me for a cup of tea when I am making one for myself as she is sincerely convinced that she has no time to make one for herself. I don't mind that, but I do mind that she is a typical lazy slobbish teenager who never clears up and never does anything for anyone else in the family. So I am torn between which of two important lessons to teach:
a) When you do something nice for me, maybe I'll feel more like doing something for you but until then no I won't make the tea.
b) We should be nice to people without expectation of reward so yes I will.

Can you not make a teapot and have it as a sort of "communal" drink? Same amount of effort really and might foster a nicer atmosphere?

I do quite a lot for for my DC but do remind them frequently they should treat others as they want to be treated. They have their moments. I am disabled so they do quite a lot for me too, it's always nicer when it's "unasked" though.

I'm the most lazy and slobbish member of our family

I make a pot of tea every morning. Sometimes they have a cup and sometimes they don't. If the DDs are boiling a kettle in the afternoon they usually ask me if I want a cuppa. What goes around comes around.

DD1 sometimes makes me a coffee! I don't think it is that teens are lazy (although definitely slobs) but that they have different standards and priorities. DD1 was up at 8.30am yesterday and revised all day so worked very hard - but when I poked me head into the room last night (after she had gone to bed) the table was covered in study material ....and mugs, plates etc. I refuse to clear these up but I know she will have to put them in the dishwasher this morning before she can study again.

I didn't say I've raised my DD to be better than other people, I said I've raised her to not be slobbish and lazy and that I know of lots of others who are the same. I wasn't being smug, I was simply agreeing with a PP about demonising teens.

But feel free to twist my words any way you like formerdiva

I'd make her one if I was making one but would sometimes ask at other times if she would make one for both of us and expect her to do so when asked.

Thanks everyone - have enjoyed the debate. Like the idea of asking her when she's making one to do one for me. Funnily enough I have found it easier to make her tea in the morning when she doesn't ask than when she does.
As to whose fault it is that she is lazy and slobbish (she is definitely currently both of those two things), well:

• She wasn't either of those before she was a teenager.
• Her younger sister aged 12 isn't either.
• My guess is dd14 won't be either as an adult.

So I highly doubt that it is my deficient parenting that is responsible.

Sounds disorganised, teenagers tend to be disorganised and easily overwhelmed for bio-physical specifically teenage reasons beyond their control.

There's a c) option, along lines of "My role is to gently cajole you into less self-centred behaviour, it's a very long-term project though."