cannabis smoking

[Startingover231]

Hi. Sorry if this is long but feel I need to give some background to 'paint the picture'.
DD is 16 (just), She has never been particularly easy and has done all the things I would have preferred my child not to try but wasn't surprised she had IFSWIM. smoking, self harming, alcohol, poor school attendance etc. etc etc. but all this was before last year when her dad left me after 24 years of what I had thought was a happy marraige for OW. It was an extremely traumatic time for us all and I will be the first to admit I didn't cope well and was an emotional wreck in front of DD when I probably shouldn't have been. Since then her behaviour has rather spiralled more and I am struggling to cope. In Feb she took an overdose and ended up in hospital. At least as a result of that she is now getting the help/support she needs. She was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and prescribed anti-depressants and I have to say the Psychiatrist has been brilliant with her, she has opened up to him and openly admitted she had tried all sorts of hard drugs etc. She says she no longer does those but she is regularly smoking weed and I am really worried about the effect this is having on her. I have read all the information I can and I know all about it's links to long term mental health problems etc but the Psychiatrist seems quite blasé about it, telling her she should try to cut down but not exactly telling her she shouldn't smoke it. She uses her allowance to buy it but I don't feel I can stop her allowance as I feel like I am walking on egg shells since the overdose, I am so scared she will do it again. She is in her GCSE year/months (!) and I am fairly sure she probably won't pass any of them, I struggle to get her to School and she seems unbothered by anything remotely educational. I think what I really want to know is am I overreacting about the cannabis smoking? Should I just be laid back about it and hope she grows out of it. I I feel so alone trying to cope with this. Her dad is uninterested in supporting me although she does see him from time to time, he never broaches the subject of the overdose or Psychiatrist appointments.
Anyone else out there going through the same? I am farily sure she is smoking it daily.....

You know what I think?

That right now boundaries are exactly what she needs. Her life was in turmoil, you've pandered too long. Now it's time to stop the allowance and be firm.

I have discussed stopping her allowance, she only gets £10 a week, it's not a vast sum, but she just says the DR T says it's ok to smoke it! So I feel I have no one to back me up! I know it sounds like I am being weak and I suppose I am, but the overdose hangs over me like a black cloud. I feel afraid to rock the boat. and if I stop her allowance she will still smoke it with her friends who seem happy to share! For example when she had to use her allowance to buy her sister a birthday present, it didn't stop her access to it? I want to be the strong parent but it feels so difficult on my own to stand up to her!

Cannabis in moderation may be OK for adults that are otherwise healthy. BUT regular use in young people, especially those already with MH problems, is not a good thing. I find it very hard to believe the doctor has told her it is OK to smoke it.

I understand your anxiety but you are not responsible for her actions in regards to overdosing and ultimately you cannot control this aspect of things.

I think that stopping her allowance until she can prove she isn't going to spend it on drugs is not a bad idea. You can always buy her necessities or treats like clothes, etc., just limit the access to cash. Maybe it will motivate her enough to get a job to pay for her own habit. Not ideal but at least something good will come out of it.

Perhaps her psychiatrist considers smoking weed to be the least of her problems at this time? Obviously stopping the hard drugs is brilliant. Exams can be taken/ retaken at a later stage in her life. Getting her mentally well is the most important issue. I would post this on the mental health forum for further advice. Is she seeing her psychiatrist again? Could you email him / her your concerns? I am sure they won't discuss this with you but you could at least highlight to them that your daughter believes that she they have said it is fine to smoke weed ( I am sure they haven't !)
I have a 19 year old with MH issues and understand how stressful and worrying this is. I personally would maintain her allowance for the time being and do you best to keep the lines of communicationopen.

Sorry.... try and get as much information about the dangers of smoking weed especially with MH issues so that you/ she are well informed. Good luck

I do not think you are over reacting about the cannabis if she is smoking daily. I am no expert but I would be very upset if one of my DC thought a doctor /psychiatrist had suggested it is ok. Do you know that is true or is it just what she says ?
My DS smokes weed and I have learnt over the years that nothing you can do will stop them if that's what they want to do. You can forbid her to smoke at home, that's about it. Maybe you should consider stopping her cash allowance and instead buying her things she needs. I did this for a while for my DS. But he still found a way to smoke. Like you say, friends share or they do some low level dealing to fund it. DS even had mates who grew it.
Do you talk to her about it ? Maybe now she's turned a corner re the other drugs now is a good time to keep talking and support her. Keep reminding her that you don't want her to smoke, and you are giving her an allowance for other things.
Good luck it sounds like you have had a tough time.

Hi startingover, I can't really add to what's already been said, but i did want to say how I understand the black cloud/afraid to rock the boat/walking on eggshells etc after an overdose. We were there a few months ago and I am still afraid to upset dd (even when she deserves a right telling off!) although the passing of time helps. She too is (was?) clinically depressed and is on medication. There was also a time when I thought dd was trying weed, but I don't know for sure whether she was, but I know I felt really scared by it. I believe you should ring the psychiatrist and ask for his advice. As others have said I can't believe he has condoned it, maybe he feels it the least of her worries at the moment, but maybe he doesn't know the extent of the problem.

Good luck!

Thank you! I don't think the Psychiatrist condones it, but it is the case that he said it wasn't the worst thing she could do and if she could keep it to moderation it would be better for her! I know he said that because I was there! I feel so 'old' and out of touch, we do talk about it often and she just says all my friends are doing it and it isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be! Even my other older DD (very sensible , wouldn't do it herself!) says lots of her friends do or did when they were younger and it didn't affect them and I should just try not to worry!
It is just so hard not to, I feel so helpless parenting her, she manipulates and controls me and even when I say no to something she seems to get her way in the end and I just look up and think how did that happen? she makes me feel very inadequate as a parent! and yet I don't think i am a bad parent! I just want to feel in control again!

If your daughter is smoking daily and even when she is on her own you must do something to try to stop it. The combination of MH problems and weed is a real problem. I say this as a mother of a 23 year old who smoked as a form of self medication from the age of 16 and it got out of hand. In hindsight I wish I had taken if more seriously. He was and is under a psychiatrist who was always trying to get him to stop. Even after a manic/psychotic episode he went back on it after a few weeks. She must not be given money to buy weed. Buy her what she needs but no cash. You cannot let her think it is ok to use your money for this.
It may sound harsh after what you and her have been through and you feel you don't want to make things worse for her. I've been there and I wish I'd dealt with it differently.

BTW my son would tell me about stopping the hard drugs etc. but often the reason is that they don't actually help with the anxiety and depression they are feeling but the weed does.