I need some advice regarding my 14 year old daughter

[jmg1]

I have not posted on mumsnet for about 10 years.
I have just discovered that my daughter has been telling me many lies about where she was going and who with, I think this started at the beginning of the Easter break. To cut a long story short she has been meeting up with a 16 year old boy. I am concerned about the potential problems that could occur and I am not sure how best to try to deal with the situation.
Any advice would be appreciated.

I have a 15 year old that did same. I had to admit to myself that the child created a 'distance' from me so as to feel comfortable indulging herself in unsafe and exciting activities. She tried hard not to lie by avoiding any confrontation.

Sound familiar?

It is hard and reaching out for help is best you can do.

I imposed daylight kerfew. (Sp?) But felt if I stopped all independence then I would lose my battle.

At 14 it should be easier.

Is she out after dark?

Honestly, 14 year old girls obsessing over 16 year old boys is the most NORMAL thing in the world.

Talk to her, try to not freak out or over-react, foster a sense of confidence and honesty, if she needs to talk about the possibility of sex then listen and advise in a calm way, don't bury your head in the sand and be in denial about what she's trying to tell you. It may be all very innocent still or she might be having sex already - who knows? But one thing's for sure, running around reciting 'you are 14 he is 16 therefore this relationship can't happen AT ALL' is going to get you precisely nowhere.

Realistically can you completely ground her and prevent her from finding the odd 20 minutes here or there to see him?

Coz I couldn't manage that, so I'd be thinking about sitting down with her to talk thru why the sneaking around was a problem. I'd want to convince not compel her to do things differently. Seeing the 16yo could be fine. Why can't she bring him around and tell truth about seeing him? If she's sneaking around it would make me think they were up to sex or god knows what else she isn't legally old enough for (and he's the one who would go on the SOR if they get found out, she's protecting him if she keeps this not serious and not too sexual).

If she thinks she's old enough for a 16yo boyfriend then she's old enough to think about how to make good decisions to protect him, too.

My DD is now 18 but at 14 she went out with a 16 year old boy for a few months. We always said he was welcome to come to our house which he did a few times, mainly to pick her up. We asked him to have her home at a certain time and left the decision to them to be on time. (they always were)
Try and keep any negative feelings about him to yourself the more you say no the more exciting he will become and the chances are that at 16 he is not that interesting.
My DD's boyfriend had to leave her when his parents moved countries and I am glad that we had been open with her as she was devastated, first love and all that
Why don't you suggest that he picks her up from your house just so that you can meet him, promise to be on your best behaviour and he doesn't even have to come in the house but stay on the doorstep if he wants.

Last night my dd was honest enough to ask if she could go out to meet the lad. I said yes as i was glad she had approached me that way as opposed to either lying or just disappearing out and turning up well after dark at like 11pm. I do feel dd is too young but as some say the more i disagree the more dd would want to see the lad, the more interesting he becomes.
Obviously i hope no sex is not involved but other than grounding her which didnt work so far cause she went out anyway.
Thank you for your comments.

Maybe slightly controversial but as a midwife who's seen a fair share of pregnant 14yos if my dd was sneaking out, coming back that late and seeing a 16yo Id take her down the GP and get a contraceptive implant fitted.

Id obviously also give her a talk that Id hope she wasn't having sex so young and if she did she must still tell him to use a condom.

How is it dealt with legally in this Country if a girl under 16 has sex with someone over 16 years old?
This is a reality check, guess I've been lucky so far with three teenagers who I raised on my own since they were babies.

I believe that with this age gap although it would be illegal per se, nobody would be prosecuted.
I have the opposite problem in that dd16 is seeing a 14 year old boy.....

People are prosecuted for this. There was something in the paper only last week where he was 16, she was 15 and he's now on the sex offenders register.

I do not think anyone is prosecuted with this age gap if both partners are willing.

here

He was 17, not 16.

oh dear....

Looks like CPS were looking for a rape conviction as well. Technically depending on the age gap it can be rape even if both are willing.

Yes but they looked at CCTV and she lied. Which is the most deplorable thing in the world. When I was 14, I was going out with a 17 year old. I lost my virginity to him, and his (much older) sibling found out we had sex, I can't remember how. I remember her screaming at me that I could get him arrested, and thats how I landed the nickname Jailbait. Completely regret it, but the only people who (really) go for prosecution are parents, but I consented, and although in the eyes of the law, I couldn't consent, I knew exactly what i was doing and took precautions, and thats all you can say to DD. When there's a will, there's a way. The lad's parents at the time thought I was 16. It really didn't go down too well.
However, I think a teenage romance where both of them are ready to do it, i don't really think there should be any prosecution, especially when there's only 2 years between them. my own opinion though.
DD came to you, which means she's starting to trust you a bit. Keep it up because she will tell you things. I know I did. My mum was on her knees crying.

Thought I'd give a bit of insight, I don't have teens and it wasn't long ago when I was DD's age.

i think if both parties consent, and are resonable about it, it shouldn't be called statutory rape - the lads don't deserve to be on the sex offender's register for a teen romance, and like the judge said in that case, it's stupid that it went to the CPS in the first place!

good luck.

dd doesn't open up to anyone much but we have had a couple of more positive chats in the last few days which is good news. Like most parents the well being of my children is my main concern. My dp, mother of our three children, died when they were ages one. two and three. I subsequently started to suffer form insomnia and depression and had some extremely difficult and challenging years raising them on my own but life is better now.
For anyone who may be going though difficult times, try to keep the thought in your mind that things can and most usually do get better.

I agree with Viva. Bring her to the GP. This isn't meant to condone sex and you can make sure she understands that, but just to make sure she won't suffer the consequence of pregnancy at 14 if sex becomes part of the relationship.

It is time to have a serious talk about sex and relationships if you haven't yet had it. Or to find someone she trusts and respects to have a long chat with if you think she would be more receptive to someone else.

You need to get to know the boyfriend too, and his parents.

I don't have any advice to add but just wanted to say welcome back to jmg. :)

I'm glad things are better for you now.

Hi coppertop, I was wandering who would still be using mumsnet. I'm not the same person I was but things are much better now than they were, thanks.

Hi jmg1, I don't post much nowadays but I remember you, even went to a meet-up long, long ago that you were at.

I was just scouring this board as my dd is now 15 - different worries to you (so far) but worries beginning nonetheless...