Step Mum in turmoil!!

[hrob2015]

Hi
I met my husband 3 years ago, we have been married for a little over a year and we have one 22 month son and another baby on the way.

My husband has a 13 year old daughter and a 14 year old son who has asd. When i first met them 3 years ago, we got on relatively well for the first 6 months, the ex wife was always in the background trying to cause issues but we maintained a healthy relationship at this stage.

When we announced our engagement and i fell pregnant, the ex wife up'd the anti and suddenly i found myself on the worlds most hated step mum list.

The ex wife and step children ruined my whole entire pregnancy and caused me severe depression. Baby scans and the day i gave birth were interupted by them, when there was nothing wrong. They would create a problem just to cause upset and ruin what was sposed to be a special time for me and my hudband.

Things didnt get any better and my husband eventually blocked mobile number, email addresses and had to involve the police to stop the harassment.

My husband now only sees his children once a month and they no longer stay with us. He also calls them twice a week.

When we cannot make a date for visiting the kids kick off, especially if its an event with my family or me.

They have also demanded me not to come once a month and for my son to go with there dad to visit. I refuse to do this as I should be with my son and do not want him being effected by this horrendous situation.

The ex has also threatened me with a solicitor over me being with my bio son when visiting the step kids.

Im at my wits end and half way through my
Second pregnancy. My husband wants ne to be with him when he visits the kids, but i feel completely uncomfortable being around them now and do not trust them after their compulsive lies and attempts to ruin things for me and their dad.

Anyones advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

The kids only see their dad one day a month so I'd really try not to have other events planned for that day, or you go to the family event with your son and your husband sees his kids. On that point I can understand them kicking off.

I'm not sure why things have got to this point. Or how.

Your husband wants you to go with him, his kids don't want you there. I'm not sure anyone would enjoy that time if you were there and his kids were being hostile. I also think they have the right to see their sibling, I think maybe your husband can suggest to them that if they want the little one along then you need to be around too, even if you are only there for a sort while with your son and then come away.

This is something your husband needs to deal with and you all need to start making compromises and building bridges. Your husband is stuck in the middle and so is your son.

I'd suggest a gradual build up of contact with them, maybe one of them at a time so they aren't egging each other on to be horrible.

I totally agree. You mentioned that his son has ASD which means he will have difficulty understanding very normal social situations. So your situation will be way too complex for him and he will get how to act very wrong. You can't take offence at how he's acting as he doesn't understand.
It's only once a month. I imagine it would be hard to seethe kids seperatly. I'd just keep happy ignore the nastiness and keep doing nice things with them. They will then realise that their dad and you are ok. They won't say it but over time it will become easier.

As hard as it is you need to stay out of this situation. Its one day in a month they should be spending that day having quality time with their dad. Its a bit off to rearrange if its only one day a month and no over nights so i can see why they'd kick off and im sure your son will be fine with his dad once a month.
Just take yourself out of the equasion therefore stress will go your DH must put his kids first as you would want him to with your DCs. Teenagers are hard work !

Teenagers need their dads just as much as 22 month olds.
Fast forward a few years and think about how you would feel if you were apart from your DH and he only saw your child once a month. That day would be very important to your son and you can imagine how upset he would be if it was cancelled.
You might be better posting on Step Families.

Agree with secret in this case.

If they only see their dad once a month then I really don't understand why dad can't take their younger brother. What harm is going to come to your ds if their dad is there? I would find it encouraging they wanted to see their brother.

And honestly surely it is not hard for your oh not to make plans for the one day he sees his kids

Make a stand if you need to protect the infant (say from shouting, aggressive moods, swearing, being in a hostile environment.). Tell hubby that currently, because you would be less torn between the children, baby needs you to be there for get togethers like this, so baby feels safe.At this developmental stage baby is like a sponge for language and behaviours, and developing a secure nature. You cant go to ex w house it seems, so the teens come to you, or you meet out.

The teens are old enough and could visit you any time, couldn't they? Sounds like dad visits them. Perhaps you can open your doors a bit more freely, on your terms. Invite them back and plan to build up to overnights again? Do a buffet (make pizza with them all, or my teens LOVE steak night) and once it's served slip away with baby, leaving them with Dad. Whatever helps you cope.

You can't control anyone else. Only yourself.

Let go of the necks of the ex w and the horrid teens, because you are not breathing calmly yourself.

Do what you can to accept and respect the good in the teens. They will eventually be adult and will have hopefully turned a corner. And they don't understand scan days and other things. But if you talk to them they can learn about it. It might be scary but you can find an in road and talk to them like young adults and share intimate thoughts ("actually, pregnancy is a big thing...What do you think about you brother... I'm a bit worried about Dad..I want to plan something with you for Father's Day...")

Engage for a bit and then let them get on with it. If you have other mum friends from toddler group, say, could they help by inviting you over for a bit of the time when the teens are around at yours?

One day you will find things have got easier. My step parenting has got easier with time, even with selfish teens around. You can't go on accepting this treatment so you are entitled to draw a line in the sand and stick to what's best for you. But box clever.Your hubby has done a lot to protect you as a couple and is heroically trying to keep contact with his teens. Butter him up with words of admiration (he will need this voiced. Critisism will knock him down) and be clear about what you will and won't accept. Fight hubby's corner too. He needs to know you admire and support him. Don't feel powerless. You can control your own attitude. Try to be more positive.

Try to forgive the teens and search for good in them. Cut the ex w out of your the anxiety as you can. Things can get better. You're coping with a lot already and so enjoy those successes. Most importantly...Take care of yourself!

At the end of the day you chose a partner who already had kids. If you didn't want all this then you should have procreated with a childless man. You sound quite self centred, the kids can't stay etc, they still need there dad and they were here first, before hour ds. Try and be an adult about this and think how his kids fee!, very rejected I should imagine. Would you want your husband to treat your kids like this? Once month isn't enough IMO, it sounds like you have had a very negative impact in their relationship with their dad, nothing to be proud of.

I think it's easy to under estimate the stress ex wives and husbands and indeed, step children can put you through.

Of course these step children are suffering and struggling to come to terms with their dads new life, however, it sounds like their mother is the one creating the problems for them by forcing them to push out some of their dads life.

Obviously the step mum is powerless to control that.

Personally I wouldn't allow my 22 month old to go, maybe when he/she is a bit older but it depends on how you feel your husband would handle it. You are that child's mum and enabling the step children's wish to push you out isn't the answer.

The step kids needs support and love from their dad and op but that doesn't mean they get to call the shots.

Look after yourself first and foremost and support your husband, time may well make things easier.

Good luck with your pregnancy.