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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How much do you get involved with dds fall outs

12 replies

Slippersmum · 09/04/2015 11:52

Just wondered do you leave them to deal with it or step in sometimes? Your experiences are very welcome as I am a little lost as what to do. Thanks.

OP posts:

PenelopePitstops · 09/04/2015 11:53

How old?

Above 13 stay completely out of it unless there is severe bullying.

youngestisapyscho · 09/04/2015 11:54

I would only step in if was something continuous, serious or some form of bullying.. they are always having arguments and fallouts and then friends again the next day! This is a 12yr old DD.

Original poster

Slippersmum · 09/04/2015 12:02

She is 13. She has been excluded from her friendship group so it's them against her kind of thing. Whispering, giggling, nasty comments that kind of thing. She was wrong in the first place by doing something which had upset one of them, then let them take the blame for something but owned up quickly and apologised (know this from social media) but the damage was done and they won't forgive her. It's getting worst and worst now in terms of her upset. I know the mums but we are not friends. One seems quite down to earth but as I say I don't really know them. Should I text (cringe) or should I leave it?? I just want to say can't they all move on and just get along. If only teens were that simple I guess.

OP posts:

youngestisapyscho · 09/04/2015 14:47

I really don't know... my DD has a good group of friends IN school... but none of them include her in anything out of school. It's a horrible feeling worrying about her. Could you email her form or year tutor to have a word with her. I did this, asked the teacher to say that it was just a casual 'how you getting along' chat... not to say I had contacted them!

BackforGood · 09/04/2015 14:59

I don't get involved in dcs friendships.
If they are upset, then, listen, and maybe offer suggestions of what she could do, but wouldn't dream of intervening any more than that. It's what 'teendom' is all about, learning how to get on in the world, sorting out the important from the not, finding out there are all sorts of people in the world, learning how to negotiate your life around that. You can see from some of the threads on here that some people never learned those skills when they were in their teens.

PixieChops · 09/04/2015 15:04

Whenever I fell out with my friends as a teen my mum would always want to step in and sort it out. I was always traumatised at the very thought of her doing that! Much better to just let them work it out themselves. Yeah it'll be a bit shit for a while but it won't last forever. They'll sort themselves out soon enough and move onto someone else no doubt.
I can imagine it's hard seeing your DD upset but unless there's visible bullying going on or violence then just leave them to it. Teenage girls are bloody awful.

Redwineplease42 · 09/04/2015 15:42

I don't as much as I want to! I give DD advice she is currently being the outcast that everyones turned on it was someone else last month ! Its important for them to learn from it although I'd rather DD ditched her current "friends" so much politics with in the group it just gets evil/bordering on bullying then its all lovely again.

Poppydoll1 · 09/04/2015 23:29

I'm very new to the pages but needed somewhere to talk and get some advise.. And by the sounds I'm in the same positions as some of you. My dd has a large group of friends but is mainly in a three with two other girls. One seems quite controlling whilst my dd is fairly introverted.. Enjoys time to herself and time with us.. They had a small disagreement two weeks ago and was seemed to be resolved yet she's not been invited anywhere over the holiday. it's all getting ontop of me.. My instinct is to dive in and try to help but I know it's not the right thing to do. My own past is haunting me and I'm petrified if she falls out with these two she will be alone and friendless. It's permently on my mind and I'm getting really upset about it

Redwineplease42 · 09/04/2015 23:52

I know exactly how you feel. DDs best friend is very loud and a big personality she can be lovely but can equally treat DD like dirt and if this girl turns on DD the other girls follow her so DD ends up alone. It happens a lot I'm afraid it won't last forever though.

Original poster

Slippersmum · 10/04/2015 12:11

Thank you so much for your replies. They are so helpful. Poppy I totally agree with your point about being haunted by our own childhood. It's so difficult isn't it! I have had textes from mums in the past but reflecting on that its probably made thing worst as then I become irritated as they only see their own child's perspective whereas I work so hard to try and get my dd to see it from other people's points of views. But then I guess if I got in touch with one of them it's the same isn't it. Oh!! It's just hard when they are so upset isn't it. Thanks again everyone - what would I do without you!!!

OP posts:

ragged · 10/04/2015 12:28

I try hard to stay out. I would get involved (would tell adults at the school) if it was intimidation-type or harassment behaviour, for instance.

Mum of one of DD's mates phoned to say that Dd was making her DD feel bad. DD got onto all their mutual friends who then harangued the mate for being a hypocrite (accusing Dd of behaviour that the mate actively encouraged and also did herself). The mate lied to her mom about her own behaviour; must confess I had a moment of smuggery thinking my kid is not perfect but at least I know more about what she's really up to and her life is really like.

I think my role is becoming more like a friend, trying hard to help DD develop skills to solve her own problems. Like knowing when to find new friends.

shadypines · 13/04/2015 14:28

She has done the right thing by apologising etc now they should be moving on but it sounds like they are now bullying her with their nasty behaviour. Is it at school or home OP (or both?). If at school I would find it easier to step in by ringing school and saying there is nastiness/ bullying going on but if it was my DD I would have to discuss this tactic first if as she is same age as yours and I think at this age you can't just 'take over' with everything.

The main thing is that you are there for DD to listen and give advice perhaps, sometimes these things take a bit of time. If any of them are decent friends they will come around.

Poppydoll1 I am sorry you are upset for your DD, perhaps things will iron out when she's back at school? MY DD doesn't get invited anywhere either and as far as I know she hasn't had any fall outs recently!

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