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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I really want to tell DD what I really think of her but probably shouldnt.

19 replies

300Bananas · 09/04/2015 08:24

I have quite a list of things I would like to tell DD (almost 16) but I know its probably not a good idea at the moment as things have been quite strained in our house and it would almost certainly make things worse. I just cannot come to terms with just how utterly selfish and uncaring and lazy and untidy she is, amongst other things.

Do I bite my tongue and quietly seethe inside? I am telling myself to leave it until after the GCSE's are over as I dont want to cause more dramas at this important time but I will probably explode before then! Ooh then I have big ideas about what I am going to do - cancel phone contract, stop doing her washing, no more lifts anywhere etc - but will I have the balls to do it?

Arrrgh ................

OP posts:

PeppermintCrayon · 09/04/2015 08:26

Or you could read The Teenage Brain and undrstand WHY she's like that?

ThingummyJigg · 09/04/2015 08:36

Say nothing. Close your eyes and imagine the hideous outfit you will wear to pick her up from school on her last day. Then imagine all the sweets you'll give to her children and how you'll tell her she was potty trained at 9 months and slept through from birth so she must be doing it wrong.

And remember what matters is she gets great GCSE results so she can go on to A Levels and a degree, get a decent job and leave home!

Post GCSEs, yes stop doing the washing and the lifts until she can reciprocate in the form of helpfulness and kindness and a bit of courtesy. Prepare to hear her say to her friends 'omg my mum is such a bitch, she won't pick up my clothes from the floor where I've dumped them, wash and iron and put them all away, so I know where they are when I need to try them all on before I go out, then when they're clean, ironed, and dumped on the floor she bloody leaves them there and how can I wear them then? IT'S SO UNFAIR'

ChocolateCherry · 09/04/2015 08:43

Tough age 16. I think it would probably be better to ride it out and just be there for her. Seething and planning retribution after her exams seems rather sad to me. She will come through all this. When she does she'll either remember your support or not.

My dd is 16. She's all over the place. Some days her funny old self, others we're on eggshells round her. Her room isn't always too great (and sometimes I just pop in and sort out the worst of it myself) but I think cutting her a large amount of slack just now, being constant, telling her we love her and she's doing great and that we're proud of how she's managing the GCSE hell is better than biting back.

ggirl · 09/04/2015 08:46

Please don't tell her she is 'utterly selfish and uncaring and lazy and untidy she is, amongst other things.'
If you need to make a point tell her how her actions make you feel rather than labelling her .

UnclearBlue · 09/04/2015 09:10

No, don't. I can still remember some of the things my mum said to me at that age, and it still hurts. Teenagers are so vulnerable emotionally even if they seem hard as nails.

Original poster

300Bananas · 09/04/2015 14:23

Thing is she is not going to get great GCSE results as she is doing sod all revision for them these holidays. More concerned with going out and having a good time.

Of course I am not going to say these things to her as it will not have any benefit but I am seething and simmering away inside!

OP posts:

averythinline · 09/04/2015 14:37

I left home at 16 partly because my mum was always telling what she thought....not sure that was the result you were thinking of.....

I wouldn't facilitate her going out and about though - no lifts, no phone contract, no cash and would maybe try and have a conversation about what her plans are after her exams- or if you can find someone else to have the conversation with her....are there any role models either other kids or famous people that have a positive message for her as a way to get through them

a friend was so nervous about failing her exams that she did a complete ostrich and was always looking for ways to fail/avoid studying could it be that? we were a really bad pair as I was a crap reviser and just crammed the day before unfortunately for her I did ok with that approach and got the results I needed she did not and took years to get over it-so maybe find out what her peers are actually doing rather than what she says they are doing...

though I'm dreading this ...as will have to be such a hypocrite to my DS

ragged · 12/04/2015 12:25

Just imagine what she really thinks of you, OP. Are you ready to hear it?
A bit of compromise, tolerance & tongue-biting on both sides is better, maybe?

ILoveOnionRings · 12/04/2015 12:47

I wouldn't say anything, if you can hold it in for the next 2 months. I would still encourage the house rules, eg have you got any washing, is it your turn to do the dishes/empty the dishwasher etc but the actual explosion which will probably be over the most minor of incidents because you have bit your tongue over the major ones should really be put on hold.

We were talking of the pressure for this cohort of Year 11's and I think it is going to immense. The length of the exam period (6-8 weeks including the half term break), length of exams, there is no resit in 3 months like the last few years in maths, English and science.

On the other teen thread, lost of posters said they were surprised how their teens were doing so well in school as they seem to never do work at home. A lot of schools will be preparing them in school for the exams but I agree it is more reassuring for yourself to actually see them doing some with revision with your own eyes.

They need plenty of support, lots of love, good food, lots of sleep whilst you will need long walks and lots of wine - or I did

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/04/2015 12:57

You said she is selfish and uncaring.
All teens are, on occasion. Can you be more specific about what she does you feel is so unreasonable? Is it typical teen behaviour, or something more than that?
My dd can be lazy and unappreciative of my efforts to make her life easier and happier. However, she is also kind, funny, clever and lovely. Can you try to see through the teenage crap and recognise any good qualities?

Storing up resentment and planning revenge is really unhealthy, for both of you.

Original poster

300Bananas · 13/04/2015 15:20

I struggle with her attitude as DS is nothing like her and they were both brought up the same.

I am trying really hard to be a good parent but sometimes I know I say the wrong things in the heat of the moment and feel as if I havent got a clue what I am doing. I get drawn into arguments too easily by her as she knows how to wind me up.

I dont know what I am trying to say really but my initial post was made when I was feeling annoyed and upset and I should have taken a deep breath and had some wine :)

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/04/2015 15:35

In his book 'Divas and Doorslammers', Charlie Taylor says that teenagers' brains are physically changing during adolescence - if I recall correctly, he described it as being almost a mild, but temporary, form of brain damage, and as a result they can lose some abilities, such as empathy, impulse control and temper control.

The good news is that the changes do settle down, and most or all of these abilities do come back.

I have been through three lots of teenage angst - ds1 and ds2 were not too bad, but ds3 was pretty hard work at times - there were days when I was not sure if we'd both make it to the end of his adolescence alive unscathed! But we have, and he is maturing into a pretty decent person who is doing well at school, gives voluntary hugs (as long as none of his mates are watching, of course ), and he's much better at controlling his temper. He's not perfect, but he is really getting there.

And if you can vent here, to us, that will help you bite your lip and stay calm when dealing with her in the future. And remember, you are doing so well, to stay calm during this stressful time.

HormonalHeap · 13/04/2015 18:36

I don't know. If I bite my tongue and tiptoe round my selfish, rude teen, how will she learn to respect me and also learn that if you treat people poorly, they react? I get that year 11 is a hugely stressful time, and did cut mine slack for that. But surely there comes a time when you have to say 'enough'?

TheWordFactory · 13/04/2015 18:48

Park it for now, OP.

However, once GCSEs are out of the way, I don't see why yu souldn't try to address some of the problems. Maybe concentrate on a couple of behaviours that are really intolerable and explain to her why they're unreasonable.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/04/2015 18:53

I didn't let ds3 get away with his behaviour, but I did pick my battles, and try to change the way I dealt with him, so that I used an approach that worked a bit better.

I do think it helps to understand why they are acting the way they are.

Beloved72 · 14/04/2015 12:38

"You said she is selfish and uncaring.
All teens are, on occasion."

What about those of us whose teens are like this ALL THE TIME, and have been for years? Who will never lift a finger to help and haven't done for years? Who never do anything constructive (and I mean 'never' - not exaggerating - never)?

I'm really struggling with this at the moment. DD never helps. Ever. She does almost no school work (year 11, GCSEs start in a few weeks), never says anything kind or takes an interest in anyone in the family, has tantrums involving swearing and shouting if you don't give her what she wants (lifts, money mostly) and is all round, just deeply unpleasant, rude, selfish, bullying and nasty. And miserable because nasty, selfish and bullying behaviour makes you unhappy as well as grows from unhappiness.

When can we put her behaviour down to her personality rather than the fact that she's a teenager? 18? 21?

OP - I hear you.

My advice - try to distract yourself. Say nothing.

Maybe keep a secret calender where you can tick the days off until she moves out of home.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/04/2015 13:01

That sounds utterly draining and exhausting, Beloved. I hope this thread gives you a safe space to vent a bit - and some reassurance that you aren't on your own in this struggle.

DixieNormas · 14/04/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sillygiraffe · 18/04/2015 22:30

Just try and bite your tongue and keep it to yourself (or vent on here). Its hard and I know that sometimes I let slip how "awful" I feel my DD is, which only serves to create more distance between us.

Beloved my DD is much the same and it really makes me sad to think that this is her personality and that she will never change. I suspect it is though :(

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