Share your tips for getting teens to do chores with minimal fuss

[Bifflepants]

My 14 year old DD2 is basically a great young person, works hard and does well at school, has good friends and communicates well with me. However, she is also very lazy, never offers any help around the home, does no physical activity at all, has no interest in sports, likes sedentary activities and is unbelievably messy. Her room usually looks like it's been the scene of recent violent crime. So far, so normal I guess, for a teenager.

We expect her to do what I consider to be a small amount of daily chores. These are to empty the dishwasher whenever it needs doing, make her own packed lunches for school and wash up the containers from the previous day's lunch, clean up any mess she directly makes in the kitchen, feed the chickens 3 days a week and wipe the kitchen surfaces 2 days a week. I also expect her to put her washing in the wash basket. Some weekends I ask for help with the cleaning - e.g. clean the bathroom. That is IT.

Getting her to do these chores is HELL. Depending on her mood she may cheerily agree first time, but then never appear, cheerily agree, appear and then disappear to the toilet and never come back, cheerily agree, start chore, but become immediately distracted and stop, sulk and whine and refuse to chores, argue vociferously and articulately about why chores are unfair, do chores badly and sulkily, breaking items or do so badly it needs doing again.

I have tried punitive methods: removing devices, refusing lifts etc. I have resorted to undignified yelling matches. I have also tried reasonable conversations where we try to establish why chores are fair and to be expected. I have tried rewards (she loves chocolate) and also money.

Have any of you found a successful way to get your teens to pull their weight around the house?

My teens receive a monthly allowance by standing order that is dependant on them doing chores. If cajoling doesn't work effectively I head for the pc to cancel that month's standing order.

Mostly this galvanises them but there have been odd times when it's been cancelled - I think this shows them the link between work and reward, shows them I'll follow through on any punishments, and stops me feeling like a mug. Then I get to laugh at them and say 'it's your own fault' when they spend the next few weeks moaning about not being able to go out or buy anything.

I agree, it's about the consequences as well as the expectation.
With DD, we have a running shopping list that people put stuff on, and I shop once a week. So when she was a teenager, if jobs didn't get done after a couple of reminders, I'd just go and cross bacon off the list. Then croissants. Then... I'm vegetarian, I don't care if we have bacon or not.
By the time she was 15, the problem was solved, they were small household jobs and they became part of her routine.
DS wasn't a problem, did his jobs and he got his pocket money.

I don't cajole or yell. I ask once. If it's not done there is a natural consequence, which is usually that as I am so busy doing xxxxx chore, I do not have time to give lift etc. if they don't make their lunch, they go hungry. If they don't bring washing down, they have no clean clothes ( I occasionally spill squash into their dorothy baskets so stuff can't be pulled our!). Things still don't get done by them, but I feel a lot less stressed about it! I think if you take the emotional response out of it, it's much better. Once you yell or nag you have lost.

I find the jobs you describe can cause a lot of strees for minimum reward. I tend to just do those myself. I find that my children do a lot better at one big job rather than little ones / cleaning out a food of toiletries cupboard for example. If I set them up to succeed, they can then generally be more helpful too!

I switch the router off or go out taking the router with me and when the jobs have been done router goes back on.

I would never ask my two to clean the bathroom, but that's just me, I am a bit fussy about it.

Change the WiFi password daily and they don't get the new password until the chores are done - payment for chores as you pay for the wifi

Oh, I'd forgotten that bit.
It was a decade ago...

I'm not too hot on chores but I don't work full time. If I was at work all day I admit I would expect more. I also have issues from being made to do most of the housework when I was 14.
As it is my tactic is to make sure they can do any chore in the house but not to make a rigid duty list. Also I never pay them. I don't link their allowances to doing jobs. No one pays me to load the washing machine it's just life.

Some things they always do automatically
Lay table and clear it after meals.
Serve up meals
Get their own lunch.
Put dirty clothes in laundry.

Jobs they will do when asked - which isn't every day.
Fetch in coal and logs
Empty bins and put out recycling
Mow lawn
Make beds
Clean bathroom
Iron their own clothes (I rarely iron anything).
DS1 will cook a family meal, but he is 19 and would not have done that at 14.

So I think it depends how much it matters to you that she does this. It seems clear that few teenagers will do chores happily and without bribe or consequences. Is it worth the rows? I don't think so.

Hmm, yes, a friend in real life suggested I just stop expecting her to do chores and I was horrified, as I have a deeply ingrained belief that teens should help round the house a bit (not do all the housework, just a bit!). But maybe I need to revisit this belief. It's just, it's not like she has loads of active hobbies and extra curricular activities. I would have to put up with her slumping on the sofa whilst I run around trying to fit the extra jobs in. Could I stay calm and do this? I don't know. I work and am generally very busy.

I have tried docking pocket money, removing devices etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but it leads to a whole world of other hassle and bad feeling.

Maybe I need to get better at the natural consequences. She tends to do all her chores if she is going to need a lift somewhere though. And the washing gets dumped in the wash basket eventually - just gives me 3 weeks of washing in one go - grrr.

I agree it's important that they are equipped to look after themselves and do their own chores when they leave home but I personally would hate the constant battle and stress of forcing them to do stuff day in day out. Plus I feel that on an ad hoc basis they are much more willing to help and they never complain or argue.

Docking pocket money? Turning off wi fi? Hmm life's too short.

Easy to say though when I am not struggling to do it myself.

DS1 is now at uni and manages the necessary cooking, laundry and shopping not too much cleaning though.

aren't they infuriating

I gave her 8 hangers of ironed clothes to hang in her wardrobe, and she couldn't even be bothered to do that. I found them on the floor the next day having been walked over dozens of times. right I said that's it you are doing your own ironing from now on. I meant it, but now I haven't had any washing from her all week, so there is no ironing to do is there

lazy lazy lazy lazy aaaaarrrrggghhhhh

I have a board up with prices paid for jobs, they can't be bothered so get a basic fiver a week and that's it.

Ha Gymbob I feel your pain. The laziness is killing me. I can't remember if I was this lazy .... I think I was. I can't wait for the end of it.

Feel all the pain regarding this one, things are slowly improving now they are 13yr and nearly 16yrs but I stress slowly, I'm talking a a tortoise on morphine.

Gymbob I LOVE your name

If she is 14 you should have started 13 years ago. Sorry, not helpful, but true.

I don't know how you "get" then to do stuff around the house.
I have a 17, 16 and 11 year old.

They do stuff in the house because we all live here and therefore we all contribute to the running of the house- this has been the case since they were old enough to carry things :)
There's a list of things that need to be done day to day as well as things that they need to do for themselves eg lunch, school uniform etc.
there are 2 dogs that need walking, dinner to be cooked, laundry to be washed dried and put away, dishwasher to be loaded.
Everyone just does what needs to be done- some things are done before school, some after school, whoever gets home first starts dinner.

I do not think it is ever easy to “make” the kids do the chores, but it seems to help to have a list of what needs to be done, when and who does it. I have three kids, 17, 14 and 11 and each has something to do. Some things they share, eg. My some puts away the cups as they are in the highest cupboard, older daughter puts away plates and the youngest, cutlery, every day and they do this in the morning before school. I have made a schedule for dusting and vacuuming as I cannot find time to do it regularly any more and I tell them usually couple of days in advance what is happening and who does what.

My Ds (16) is lazy too. Never brings down his washing to be done. Never hangs the clean stuff. Leaves rubbish lying around his room. Does nothing basically. I remember drying the spoons at age 2 and having to wash up, dust the skirting boards, vacuum the carpets etc from age 6/7. I learned to iron the easy stuff age 7 too and cook/bake. I also did the washing in Mums old twin tub at around 9.

I think I've given my Ds an easy ride. Dd (8) can be much better at jobs; I hope I'm still saying this in a few years time!

It shouldn't be about doing chores or helping mum. It should be about living in a community where everyone needs to eat, to have clean clothes to wear, where animals and younger children need to be cared for. It's about living together.

I agree hakluyt, it is about mutual respect and communal living, and should have been on the menu from early childhood.

Looking after yourself and the community you live in is not linked to payment, or to rewards, besides the 'we are a team who work together and have clean clothes, decently prepared food and a clean hygienic house to live and work in together.'

Elf n safety innit with a bit of team work.

Fwiw being dirty and smelly and not minding or taking care of themselves is a sign of mental health issues.
Your self described lazy, filthy teenagers sound clinicallydepressed. Could they be? Have they had a medical check up? It would be a shame to let that go undiagnosed. Are they exercising at all?

Laziness could be remedied with earlier bedtimes: I've read that beacuse of excessive screen time, bedtimes are too late for most teens and they (and, by the sounds of it) all of you are suffering for it. Teens need a lot more sleep than adults, but tend to stay up later than their parents. Something to watch.