Obese DD - help :-(

[Glassofwhiteplease]

Can anyone offer any advice? My lovely DD, 16, has always been on the chubby side as a child. My over the years she's got bigger, particularly when she started high school when she could eat what she wanted without my knowledge. I knew that she ate friends food, bought sweets and biscuits on way to school with little money she might have been given once or twice a week for school dinners, normal teenage behaviour I suppose. She seems to eat and do same things as her friends but she just eats more! Now I'm in the situation where she's a size 20-22 and I just don't know how I can help her. I am slim, exercise regularly (DD has gym membership but struggles to come with me due to confidence issues), I make healthy family dinners and we all eat together for main meals the majority of the time, I'm encouraging, I try and encourage healthy food choices, all in all I try to set a good example rather than discuss her weight directly.

She has problems with her joints, her periods have stopped or are very rare, and any other health issues have been down to her weight, and losing weight would improve the situation. She was overweight but now I think she's obese. She struggles in the summer when it's hot and my heart breaks to see my beautiful daughter in this situation. What can I do to help her or support her other than what I'm already doing? Anyone else experienced this?

I kind of feel that I should let her be, shes not oblivious to what's going and telling her the obvious might be very harmful to her and our relationship? I could be generally supportive and hope that one day she'll decide to lose weight herself. But I just don't know whether this is the right thing to do and if I should be harsher? Tbh I thought the appointment at the hospital telling her she had PCOS would give her a shock about her health, but it didn't really.

Any ideas? It's so hard to know what to do with such a sensitive topic. Our relationship is good but this is a prickly subject! ??

Sorry for such a long post! I also just wanted to say that my DD doesn't seem to care too much about her weight, she says she's not bothered but I am. I try to encourage her to be healthy and look after her body but what she's putting in it. Just don't know what to do for the best!

Thank you, we have a dog and very occasionally I can get her come out with me. Unfortunately she thinks walking boring! She didn't try and couple of classes at the gym, inc spinning. She was elated afterwards but has now lost her confidence as she didn't go for a while. I'm try to encourage her every week but don't want to nag or force.

...and sorry for the typos. First time posting on here and phone a bit wonky! So she HAS tried gym but lost momentum. I could try the walking approach instead though, a bit more anyway!

I'm wondering if some counselling about her probable self-esteem issues? There is probably reasons why she has comfort eaten etc. perhaps getting to the bottom of those will help her shift her mental attitude towards herself and want to be healthier.

Have you looked at slimming world ?

I don't mean to take your daughter along and force her to join, but maybe you could incorporate some of its philosophy into your meals at home.

You wouldn't necessarily need to talk about diets or anything, but just change a few things at home and see if it helps?

Excercise will not help unless she changes her eating habits completly. What about visiting a nutritionist? No pocket money just sending her snacks (fruit) from home?
You are right to be concerned, she will thank you in the long run.

i would suggest a GP app to make sure theres nothing underlying like pcos or underactive thyroid

No no no to SW! Absolutely yes to working on self esteem and letting her know she is loved and fine just as she is. At 16, she has to find the desire to look after herself, trying to persuade her into it will only be interpreted as telling her she isn't good enough. Don't take this as a criticsm but when you say you are slim and exercise regularly, how careful (on a scale of 1-10) are you about this and what is your own history with food and weight? How would you describe your relationship with each other?

IME, women with PCOS are particularly sensitive to sugar and also to dairy. A period of elimination (3-4 weeks) of each, separately, to see what changes might happen in terms of symptoms and food cravings might be useful.

What is she good at and what does she enjoy Glass?

Thanks everyone, she certainly has had 'issues' in the past so I'm wondering if this is emotional comfort eating. She doesn't have great relationship with her dad, but is in a generally happy and stable family with step dad and stepsisters (older). She's had counseling in the past, for self harming. So that could be linked to it. However at the same time the counsellors@ CAMHS didn't really find anything to cause the issues with self harming. That was a few years ago now and no signs of it anymore. She's been hard work as a teen, normal stuff really !! But getting much
much better. She's also just got her first part time job At KFC and although I'm worried about the free food I think having a job will give her a big boost in confidence. I think I will try and incorporate walking but in a more creative way but hoping her being on her feet all day at work might help too.

Emotional issues are a bit like an onion, you peel some off but there's more underneath. She's older now moved on and perhaps ready to deal with the next layer?

Sorry sleepwhenidie - posted before I saw your message. I see your point about loving her 'as she is' and the desire to lose weight needs to come from her. You're completely right. Not sure what you mean by asking about how slim I am and level of exercise. I'm a 10-12 and exercise most evenings. I run too. I feel I'm setting a good example with my food choices,all well balanced healthy choices but we do have treats to balance it out. Thankyou for info re pcos-haven't really considered looking at what might affect/impact that. Maybe doing more together which includes walking or a little bit of exercise might be a good start

Sorry sleepwhenidie - posted before I saw your message. I see your point about loving her 'as she is' and the desire to lose weight needs to come from her. You're completely right. Not sure what you mean by asking about how slim I am and level of exercise. I'm a 10-12 and exercise most evenings. I run too. I feel I'm setting a good example with my food choices,all well balanced healthy choices but we do have treats to balance it out. Thankyou for info re pcos-haven't really considered looking at what might affect/impact that. Maybe doing more together which includes walking or a little bit of exercise might be a good start

Oops sorry for double posting! But to further answer I've generally had a steady weight most of my life. DD not sporty at all but likes sedentary type activities! Like watching films, playing games online with friends, reading, shopping. She might be interested in something non sporty though like martial arts, even maybe something a bit aggressive to destress like kick boxing!

I love kickboxing and think it can be amazing but I'm thinking more of things that aren't fitness related, something creative would be best - photography, music, art, interior design, cooking...let her find a talent or passion she never knew she had. Persuading her into a sport is good and yes, get her being more active, but risks coming across as trying to change her rather than let her be her. I ask about you and your relationship with food/ body/exercise because it is hugely influential and I agree with your approach but if she may see it as an in achievable ideal so has given up, it may be a way of rebelling (testing if you love her even though she doesn't fit your 'model'). It may be that you don't realise if too much importance is put on weight generally in your family...it may be none of this and she 'just' needs to learn how to deal with her emotions

Sorry for typos!

That should have read 'unachievable ideal', bloody autocorrect!

PCOS can make it very difficult to lose weight as you become insulin resistant. Not too different from being diabetic. Ther are medications like metformin that can really help - she should explore these with someone if she hasn't already.

Is there a chance she has an eating disorder? Is she bingeing at all?

I'm not sure what else you can do, other than not get too hung up on the weight issues, but also not ignore it. Perhaps her self esteem is very low and that could be underlying her lack of interest in changing anything or taking control. Therapy could help with that, but with the right therapist of course...

If her weight is affecting her health then you have to talk to her about it and support her to improve it.

If it was the opposite and she was starving herself you wouldn't sit back and watch.

Over eating to the point your health is affected need some medical intervention. She may not be bothered in the same what an anorexic teen doesn't want to change either. Drag her to the GP and ask that she is referred for counselling to help her address her unhealthy relationship with food.

Did you say she has PCOS? - has this been fully investigated and officially diagnosed?
if she does shes essentially stuck with loaded dice, as the syndrome means she has a degree of insulin resistance and an oestrogen/progesterone imbalance. No matter how much you try and support her in healthy eating etc she may still struggle as if she has PCOS her physiology will be working against her.
It might be worth speaking to her GP and seeing if she can be given any PCOS specific help eg refered to a specialist in this area, possibly put on medication which can help regulate symptoms: and seeking help or suggesting she seeks help from PCOS support groups

Sorry, but I really think you should be taking this more seriously. How tall is she? My DD is 17 and is at the heavier end of healthy according to her BMI, she is a size 10-12. She would be hugely obese at size 20-22.

I've been having almost the opposite problem in that DD put on weight after reducing the number of hours she spent in dance classes last year and started restricting her eating to try to lose weight, she only stopped when it was pointed out to her by a specialist that the more you restrict, the more fat your body retains. DD didn't want to do anything about the fact that she was heading down the path of an eating disorder, like yours doesn't want to do anything about being dangerously overweight. As her mother I had to step in and save her from herself.

Can you limit the amount of junk food in the house, cut her allowance to restrict the money she has to spend on food? Does she understand what PCOS means long term, what other conditions she's making herself more vulnerable to by being so overweight? It may be she isn't experiencing much of a change in her life at the moment and doesn't realise how much of a ticking timebomb her weight is.

I have no advice as my 18 year old daughter is morbidly obese I have no control unfortunately as she is on anti psychotic medication and has been in hospital since she was 14.
All you can do is try and bolster her self esteem and serve healthy meals; she has to want to do it herself. It's hard though.