Can i stop DD seeing bad friend?

[sickandtiredofitall]

Hi

I need opinions as im out of my depth to be honest.

I have a 16 year old DD who is quite a young 16 to be honest...She met a girl last year who quickly became her life!
She seemed quite nice and we encouraged the friendship we then made some discoveries.

I saw some messages with terrible language the C word F word then found out that the new friends language was frankly from the sewer!
My daughter began being very withdrawn and I spoke to her and turns out the friend is self harming and sending pics to my DD who is very upset as you can imagine, then the girl takes an overdose and messages my DD to tell her.

My DD fails all her GCSE mocks and is in a state and says she needs to help friend and that's all she can concentrate on.

I tell DD that she cant be out with friend anymore and that she needs to work and to be honest she really pulls her socks up.

Then i get a call from Friends sister asking me why im stopping my DD seeing her sister and that there is nothing wrong with her and she hasn't been diagnosed with any depression ( she told my DD she was on Anti depressants) and that i am wrong.

i see messages from friend that she is off her face in cars with boys and see pics of her drinking and drunk. she messages her that she has shown loads of boys her breasts and that its an adrenaline high for her and she is sexually active.

she is clearly going down the wrong path and my DD looks up to her and im frankly scared!

i want to stop all contact but am i wrong? i don't want my DD to mess up her future by hanging with someone who will end up god know where

HELP

I am in a very similar situation with my DD who is 15. the 14 year old friend is shagging about drinking and smoking. at the moment I have banned the sleepovers, threatened to stop her allowance if I find out she's smoking and drinking, and she has to be home by 7.

I can't prevent her from seeing her at all as they are at the same school

I don't think you're wrong though to stop all contact if you can. is the friend known to social services?

God this must be sor worrying- are they at the same school could you speak to the pastoral lead?
Do you know the friends family?
Could you encourage dd is spend time with other friends or do you have any friends with DCs similar ages where you could arrange to do things together?
Part time job? I'd focus on keeping her busy and focused elsewhere and keep an eye on her social media/phone etc

Sorry meant to add the friend clearly needs help hence why I was asking about her family but this is not your dd's sole responsibility is needs to concentrate on herself

Hi

Yes the friend is know to social services and luckily they don't go to the same school, they went to the same Police Cadets which I have stopped my daughter going to now.

The icing on the cake was the cadets sent a report to social services about my DD being upset because she was concerned about the friend and they sent me a letter to call them to explain why my DD was low!!!
I have honestly had enough, I just want my nice DD back she changes even after speaking to her on phone!

Do the cadets know about the friends self harming?

hi namechanged101, I thought she needed help but her sister says that the doctor said she is fine even after the overdose. I felt sorry for her but as I said to her sister my DD isn't her councillor and its not fair to put this pressure on her

As a child who's as forbidden from being friends with a girl who my parents perceived to be a bad influence: if you try and stop her she's very likely to sneak round behind your back and carry on spending time with her, but she'll stop confiding in you about the things that are going on with the girl.

hi yes they do know about he self harming and the cadet leader said that my DD should support her

*who was.

Also I'd contact the girls parents, especially if you have evidence of what she's been sending to your DD

Hi The boomonster, so what do I do? just let her destroy her future? she is 5 weeks from GCSE?

I have the pictures, her dad also self harms and her mother is an alcoholic so not much joy there, I spoke to her older sister and they just say its not a problem and im unreasonable.

I feel sorry for her I really do but not enough to ruin my DD

You must be worried sick OP. I think put on on is back on the cadets if you're in contact saying the same as you did to sister your dd is not responsible for that child's mental health and you will be expecting them to contact social service with their concerns and as you're dd will not be able to help from now on.
Distract dd take her away if necessary keep her busy and hope they will drift- speak to her school maybe they could keep her in a revision club etc tell them she's struggling and needs help.

Thanks Namechanged101, I have spoken to cadets and they refuse to discuss if they have contacted SS. I have taken her out of cadets now as it was more of a social club than cadets.

she is really working hard now, its only when this girl speaks to her that she becomes distracted which is why I am considering blocking her on DD social media and phone.

DD has lots of other friends and is generally a really happy positive girl until she is around this friend

I would block her friend too you're priority is your dd hopefully the cadets will step up for her friend but if not you've done everything you can.

I'm not saying leave her be and let her ruin her life, I'm saying she's almost an adult, sit down with her, talk to her, make her understand that stepping back from this girl is the best thing for her and for the girl (because if girl isn't using DD as a crutch she'll need to get proper help) and put her in a position where her giving this girl some space is a decision she's made, not one you've tried to force on end that she'll feel the need to fight against.

If she failed her mocks rather than just didn't do as well as you know she can you have bigger problems than the girl any way, with only has 5 weeks to go you need to be at the school (once thee aster holidays are over) asking about additional study support to help her prepare for the exams.

Meanwhile I'd suggest going online and finding past papers and mark schemes from her exam boards for the most important subjects. At GCSE level there are only so many questions they ask, they're just worded differently with different numbers, if you get enough papers you'll find those set question structures and you can have her do all the questions of one structure until she's getting them right and then she'll be able to answer them on the day because she'll recognise the question structure, and they mark on working out, so she needs to put every little piece of working out onto the paper for maximum points. That's how my dad did it with me and I went from Predicted E's in maths and science from my mocks to coming out with AA in Science and B in Maths despite my pretty shoddy coursework.

We have had the conversation and she agrees so PHEW!!

we have printed all the past papers and are getting ahead on the revision and she is really pulling her grades up so I think it was a case of not doing as well as she could and not total failure.

fingers crossed we can start pulling it all together and that's for all your advice

x

If you let dd see this girl still it is very likely she will end up going down the same path! I'm sorry but I was in a situation like this as a teenager and I ended up self harming etc because I really looked up to this friend. Don't make it obvious you are banning her from seeing her but just tell her she needs to revise rather than go out, don't let her on facebook to talk to her and say she needs to spend more time on her school work, after a few months she will have forgotten about this friend and realise that it's so much easier not having to play the part of her counseller, and remember the friend is not your responsibility, don't let this make you feel bad!!