At risk 17 year old

[breathslowly]

My dd (17) is going through a really bad patch - very low, no confidence, self harming, self medicating etc. We have CAMHS involved. This week she has met a 29 year old man who she arranged to meet in town and is meeting again today. He has a history of depression. So far they are 'just friends' but I'm not stupid. She is more cheerful than she's been in weeks. She is also talking at last about how she feels and, after initially pretending she was out with a friend is now being honest. We've talked about the risks, agreed she will call at first sign of worry but she wouldn't agree not to go to his house. She is 17. CAMHS worker is concerned but feels it's better to talk than come down heavy. What do people think I should do? I'm not sleeping and I can feel my heart pounding constantly. Have name changed.

I wouldn't allow my 17 year old to meet a 29 year old. full stop.

sorry that sounded unhelpful, but my 16 year old is a v immature 16 yr old, and I fear she would be taken advantage of.

I would stop her from going to see him, I know you'll be the devil, but she's not an adult yet and I don't think it's in her best interests to meet him. tricky as she could see him behind your back if she really wants to

I know I was torn up with anxiety when my DD started a relationship when she was struggling with MH issues, but it has helped her self esteem hugely. The age gap wasn't as wide though. Have you met him? It may help if you did.

Agree with not coming down heavy. I Don't think you can really stop her at 17, when is she 18? I'd play the long game. Talk, explain your concerns, but don't try & ban her from this 'friend'- I think that would push her closer to him.

I have thought about stopping her but short of giving up work and watching her 24 hours a day how could I make sure she didn't see him? I know I would have ignored my mum at that age and I wasn't even particularly rebellious. I have talked through my concerns and I'm just hoping she will be able to tell me if anything happens which she's not happy with. I know I should meet him - that would probably scare him off if he's a real predator but right now I think I might punch him in the face if I met him. Also, I think she would run a mile if I suggested it too soon. One part of me just wants to come down hard and ban the whole thing and the other part thinks I should tread very carefully. How are you supposed to know what's right? The awful thing is that she seems really happy at the minute.

Well I think you sound like a brilliant mum, kind & caring. She is lucky to have you.

Think all you can do is be there for her enotionally, giving advice but not laying down the law.

I think meeting him would be a good idea too, just fake civility if possible.

She is legally an adult soon so can do what she likes really, as hard as that might be to watch.

I would definitely get his phone number from her, ring him up and insist that he meets you so that you can 'get to know him'. I would not leave any member of my family no matter what age to deal with outside relationships alone and in isolation. It's just not what families do is it?
Get him to come to your home. This will allow you and your DD to find out what he's made of. If he makes excuses and doesn't want to meet you that will tell you a lot about his intentions - he's not a family person, but a chancer maybe. If he does come, he will understand that this is a serious relationship and not a fly by night encounter with a young girl.
I agree that young adults can decide for themselves, but that doesn't mean that an older family member shouldn't advocate for them when they are out of their depth from inexperience. Your DD may resent this and you may feel bad that she's unhappy, but in the long run, you'll still be her Mum even when all the boyfriends have been and gone.

Yes - I'm thinking along exactly those lines.