14yo DS is friendless

[Lindt70Percent]

My DS got very upset last night and told me he feels very stressed out because he doesn't feel he has any friends. It's true, he doesn't really have any friends.

I think he's feeling it at the moment because on the last day of term they always break up at midday and then people go off in groups into town etc. I happened to be in town at the time they broke up and saw him with a group of people and then 20 mins later he was phoning me asking to be taken home. At the time he said it was because the group he was with wanted to go to McDonalds and he didn't so he left them to it.

Last night he said he felt upset because no one ever asks him if he'd like to join in with what they're doing. So when I saw him with the group he'd just sort of tagged along with them, whereas everyone else had been invited along. He said he just drifted away from them when they got to McDonalds.

We live a distance from school (25 min drive) so it's not easy for him to get together with other people although I'm always happy to drive him but it's not the same as being able to make your own arrangements without parents being involved.

I've suggested he decides what he'd like to do and then invite others to join him rather than waiting to be asked but he didn't seem to think that would work. He says that he doesn't really enjoy doing the things they seem to want to do, which is hanging around in town and going round the shops.

The thing is, he is a bit different and intense and I can see why they might not want him around. He's a very negative person and I've noticed that when he's with other people he's often criticising other people they know. He's very sporty and takes it all very seriously and can be quite scathing about those who aren't as serious and also resentful of others who are getting recognition for how good they are. It's part frustration and jealousy. I can see the other kids purposely moving away from him.

He could invite people out to play sport but he plays team games - rugby, hockey, cricket so it's not easy to do with one other person. In the summer he could meet friends to do nets but he does take it all very seriously so it would need to be someone who takes it seriously too and he tends not to like those people!

He's not good at compromising and doing things that others want to do. His conversation can be quite one-sided where he knows what he wants to say but isn't listening to the other person's response or picking up that they're not interested etc.

We've tried to help him be more positive. I've told him not to slag off people in front of others but to just tell us how he's feeling when he gets home if he needs to get it out of his system. His reply is that he doesn't do this but he definitely does!

He's much better one-to-one than in a group. He has a friend down the road who he went to primary school with. They get on quite well but mainly because this boy is fairly laid back and happy to go with the flow to a certain extent. This boy isn't very reliable though and often unavailable (maybe self-preservation!).

Is there any way I can help him or should I just let him get on with it and hope he works it out for himself? He's really sensitive about it all so I can't spell out what I think the problem is as I think he'd be hurt and angry and then would never risk talking to me about it again.

I feel your pain both of my teenage boys are like this. They never meet up with friends after school or in the holidays. I'm not sure what you can do - you can't force it. Mine do have activities out of school but again it doesn't seem to give them much of a social life

Sounds very difficult and upsetting.

Is your ds an only child? Asking because dc without siblings often have difficulty compromising, fitting in to a group dynamic etc. They have to be taught those things more than a child with siblings who learns through daily interactions at home.

I also wonder if your ds has simply chosen the 'wrong' group of boys to pursue socially. Maybe he'd have more success with other boys who are not so socially dominant?

poisonedbypen - Such a relief to hear he's not the only one. Thanks!

Earlybird - He's not an only child. He has an 11 year old sister too, who he thinks I prefer. Being the eldest I think she's had to fit in a lot with him and he hasn't had to bend so much to fit in with her.

He probably is chasing the wrong boys for friends. He'd like to part of the popular crowd but he never will be and anyway, he doesn't much like them or want to do what they're doing!

13 year old DS is in a similar situation - very sad to watch and hard to know how to help.

I think it might be time for the 'what it means to be a friend' and 'what it means to have a friend' and 'how friends should treat each other' chat.

By gently helping your ds realise he is, perhaps, chasing the wrong group (who are sending all sorts of direct/indirect signals), he could focus elsewhere and have different results. It is time for your ds to recognise the signals, and accept them. Have him give some thought to other boys - outside this group - who might treat him better, and be more responsive. it will help his self esteem, and in the long run, be better for him.

LongHardStare - seems it's not uncommon then! Sorry you're son's going through this too.

Earlybird - that's very good advice. Will give that a try.

Got to go as she's just come home.

I'd agree with encouraging him to look a bit wider for his social circle, including outside of his year group - I'd imagine there are lots of boys who are equally serious about sport, it's just a question of finding them. DD has friends from the years above and below her, she's very into books and drama, and likes to hang out with people with similar interests.

Earlybird, can I point out (as an only child) that you're massively stereotyping. Being an only can just as well make you much better socially, as you have to make your own friends everywhere - no automatic playmates on holiday, for example.

No real advice but DS14 has always struggled with friendships. Always one that people think of as 'popular' and can chat to lots of people but doesn't actually have close reliable long term friends. He also has an 11yo sibling who he thinks I love more than him. I don't but very hard to make him see that.

You/he are not alone, I think being a teen is really hard.

Feeling your pain. My DS 13 is also having problems. Always feels on the outside and gets bullied a lot as dyspraxic. You sound a lovely Mum. It's so hard to know how to help them, isn't it.

There is a boy who lives in my road who was like this...he changed though, and I presume school helped him, and he had some sort of training on interacting with others. I could see initially he was considering what he was going to say, and now saying positive things comes more naturally to him. Sorry, I don't know what help this lad had, just wanted to say there is hope. Maybe talk to the school?

Does your ds have a very high IQ as l have noticed through work as a teacher that sometimes very bright kids lack social skills around friendship as inclined to think very quickly and say what comes into their head and put other kids off. They also can be total perfectionists around sport taking every rule so serious and annoying others who more want to play for fun. Saying all that my own ds was socially awkward at 14 but gradually found like minded lads and by the time he went to college at 18 he had a great bunch and l could see they were exactly right for him but how they found each other in the the midst of a big crowd is a mystery..it just sort of gradually happened. 14 is an awful age but he won't be 14 forever so just listen to him and maybe if ye watching a movie pick on one thing someone is doing which is good for friendship or talk about a friend you had in school..for a minute only as they hate listening. Don't under any circumstances make him feel you doubt his ability to make friends as he needs to feel you totally believe he can do it.

My heart broke when I read your op. I was your son till the age of 14, when I somehow managed to turn things around. I share so many of your son's traits- bit negative, better one-to-one than in a group, like to get my point across.

What helped build my confidence was acquiring friends out of school. If your ds is sporty, get him into a competitive sport outside school or a new club, to meet people that way.

It's so good he's confided in you, and as Comedancing says, don't make him think you doubt his ability to make friends, but at the same time, don't put too much pressure on him.

Hi. Thanks for all the replies and sorry to hear that many others have children who feel the same way or felt like this themselves. Very reassuring to hear about people coming through the other side.

He does a lot of out of school sport which can work quite well but DS goes to a private school and when he joins in with sport close to home then everyone else tends to go to the same school which instantly makes him different. We're just going into the cricket season and he plays cricket for a local team where he's called 'Posh Boy'. He can manage this quite well for a while but it's not easy. There's also one person there who really has it in for him and last year told DS he was going to smash his face in. We were told about this by the coaches who really told the other boy off and he didn't come back for the rest of the season but he's on the list for pre-season training and he and DS have one session together where they're the only 2 in the group. DS is counting on the other boy not turning up. I'm really proud of him that he's still planning to go but I know he's worried about it.

He also plays cricket for an adult team which he loves. They're all lovely to him but obviously it's adult-child relationships so no chance of making real friends but it's a positive social experience.

For rugby and hockey he actually moved away from local teams to teams nearer school which means there's of people from school there but they've all been playing for those teams for years and the parents all socialise together so he still feels on the outside.

comedancing Yes, he does have a very high IQ and I don't think that helps at all. He likes to know every obscure rule about the sport he's playing and likes things done properly. I think he worries about being seen as a geek so he plays down all the academic stuff, doesn't want to be top of the class or win any prizes and uses sport as a way of trying to fit in. He sometimes plays sport with the U16s and U18s at school and finds this much easier socially.

He suffered horrendous bullying at primary school from Reception to Yr 5 when I FINALLY realised it was never going to work and moved him. I feel terrible that I didn't move him sooner. I think his experience at that school has damaged him, it certainly damaged his trust in us. After one incident where he was held on the floor by one boy while everyone else in the class took turns in giving him a kick we wrote to the school about how badly we thought they'd handled the situation. His form teacher read the letter to the class (the bit describing what had happened to DS). The teacher laughed and encouraged the other children to laugh and then said to DS, "Your Dad's exaggerating isn't he" and DS had to agree with him. We didn't know anything about this for 2 years because he didn't tell us what had happened. Once I knew I removed him from the school. A year later when we were talking about it I said if I'd known that had happened at the time we'd have taken him out instantly and the teacher who have got into trouble (teacher had emigrated to NZ by the time we found out). DS looked really surprised and said he thought that we had known that the teacher would read the letter out to the class! This has meant that for years he hasn't trusted us and won't tell us anything that's going on.

I was really pleased that he told me as much as he did the other night, it's the first time he's told me anything in years.

Is there a way the school can help? Schools teach PSHE and RE and friendships and relationships will be in both. Additionally, what does the pastoral care at his school have to offer? His tutor? Learning mentor? Is there group 'counselling' for all the students affected with similar situations? Really good advice on here but I'd explore school too. I'm surprised how many specialists ours has!

Thanks BudgieLover.

I will try with the school but DS doesn't trust teachers. He particularly dislikes the teacher who does pastoral care - says she's patronising and doesn't listen. He has a very nice form teacher who I could contact. He would be very unhappy if he knew I'd contacted her and I have to say that after previous experience I get very nervous he'll find out. I've always found that teachers don't want to know what happened before when I think it explains a great deal about what's happening now. I think this teacher might be different and the good thing is that he's got her up until the end of year 11.

She might be able to arrange a seating plan, unofficially buddy him up with a boy or girl to bring out his better side and/or confidence. I'm a teacher and I would be quite happy if a parent contacted me and said, "But don't let on I spoke to you..." Children don't have to know everything. You could ask for some coordination; perhaps she can liaise with subject teachers about where to place him in all classes. I mean with whom really. That would be totally possible and an acceptable request where I work

Hi BudgieLover. Thanks for that, it's interesting to know what she may be able to do. I'll send her an email just before the start of next term.

Hi Lindt, I'm sorry to hear your son is upset and you are obviously concerned. I tune into threads like this as I have similar issues with DS 15yrs and DD 13yrs, neither have ever had many friends, school hols can be long and lonely at times. Perhaps next time you chat let your DS know he's not the only teen who has this struggle, he might feel like he is at the moment.

Your son sounds like he has been through a horrendous time and is doing well to try and find his feet again, well done to him, he sounds a strong character. Not everyone is comfortable in big groups of friends like some teens are, and it seems to be looked on as 'the thing to do' the more friends the better, 500 'friends' on Facebook . Actually, the quality is more important than the quantity isn't it? And if your son is better one to one he just needs time to find that quality, easier said than done. However he is going the right way about it by looking at the things he is interested in, the sports etc, rather than hanging around McDonalds.

You've already had some good advice and the only things I would say are to channel/encourage his interests and there will be a good chance he'll meet nice like-minded people and if there is anyone you trust who can help at school?

You sound like a great mum btw and very caring, hope you find some help.