Tactics advice please!

[Allfurcoatandnoknickers]

My lovely 17yo DS has got a great group of friends, but it turns out they've been smoking dope on what I think may be a regular basis, but no one can get to the bottom of how often.. We've talked to the other parents, and we all share these concerns as it's A level/final exams etc., I'm more concerned about its de motivating someone who is already pretty unmotivated, as well as longer term effects. I've talked to my DS and I do feel that he feels pressured by his peers to smoke. The other lads are very charismatic and clearly can't see the problem with taking it.

He's very young for his age, pretty lazy and generally, talking to other mums, an average 17yo. He wants to defer his place at Uni for a gap year, but I have my reservations, on one hand it will allow him time to mature, but I'm concerned he'll just waste his time.

How did you handle this if you've had a similar situation?

Not easy, he sounds lovely though.

You haven't had a knee- jerk reaction so it sounds like you want to deal with it calmly and factually. ( I'm terrible at this myself but working on it).

Whatever you think of the drug, he is already smoking - the issue is how to handle that. And to limit the effects.

You can't alter the fact that he's had a smoke, and you may or may not be able to stop him but what you can control is how you deal with it. And also how you help him to think about it.

On facebook there's a page called Humans of New York, there was a post this week about an elderly woman who told her kids, 'you can get stoned but don't be a stoner'. ( I think she smoked with them too but that's another chapter)

The reactions to that are worth reading. Apart from a few extremists in both directions it makes for helpful reading.

Is that really the point? that a lot of us dabble in things that remain a dabble but what we worry about as parents is the slippery slope and if it gets serious we will wish we sorted it out earlier. Which is why you mention the gap year - I imagine the fear is about it passing in a haze of smoke?

It's not ideal but perhaps have a read yourself first, and if you feel comfortable show him the FB post and the thousands of different reactions to it. He can weigh up the pros and cons without it feeling like a lecture.

This post also had me thinking about my youth and hiding everything from my parents. If our kids our talking to us - whatever horrors that throws up - is that an advancement because they are acknowledging that they are out of their depth and need us?

Re the peer thing, sometimes teens want to stop something (this is from my memory of being 16) but they need an excuse. The best way to break a habit is to changes routine. Can you take him away or send him off to stay with someone. If he is keen to take up a suggestion it may suggest that he wants to stop himself.

I hope it all works out. I'll stop now - I've had a shocking morning with my 15 yo. Perhaps you'll have advice on my post!

Thanks. Just looked at the Humans of New York page - what a fantastic find! I also hid stuff from my parents and know exactly what you mean about being out of his depth and needing us. I feel sad as I like the other boys concerned, and don't want my son to lose his friendships with them - I don't think they are 'bad', just out of their depth.

We are away for a short break over the holidays, and hopefully will have some time to re-assess things.

I'm sorry if this sounds hard but stop thinking your son is following friends that's why he's smoking weed. This is one of the biggest liaisons parents fall for. My child is lead by others. He does it because he wants to. It's incredibly common Unfortunetly at their age.
As long as he's getting the grades and being a good lad try not to worry too much. Tell him your concerns. The danger of other drugs. There isn't a huge amount you can do. If he wants a gap year make him plan it not wate it. Start applying for voluntary work with him etc

I'm really not fooled for one minute that he's just 'following the crowd', but I do really believe that some friends are more charismatic than others, and that they are more likely to have an influence on him as a result. He's clearly got his own mind and enjoys what he is doing, but as you say it's incredibly common. Sadly he's not getting the grades, and his work has fallen behind. Probably would have happened anyway, but weed isn't helping.
He's just got a summer job which could lead to other work, so I'm hoping that will keep him occupied.

I think that we are resigned to the fact that we can't really stop him, just be there for him and make him aware of the risks and dangers. I work in this sort of environment with mainly men of the age 20-30 who have drug problems amongst other problems, and I have seen first hand what drugs can do to people, which is why I have been so concerned.

Where's he getting the money for this? Any kind of smoking is a huge waste of money.

He has a little part time job, and I suspect he's been using that money. His friends probably do the same or they pool their money.
Since this has raised its ugly head, things have 'settled down', will see for how long.

Oh that sounds like a hard thing to have to deal with. Does he drink much alcohol btw?

It sounds like you have reacted well to finding out about the weed so your DS will no longer have the feeling that he's rebelling against his parents by smoking, IYSWIM. So hopefully this will be a short phase of his life.

Good luck.

Thanks. Yes he does drink with friends at their houses, but thankfully not to excess. I don't think he does it necessarily in a rebellious way, just as it has become part of what the group 'do'.
The group will be going their separate ways in September with Uni etc, and we won't be out of the woods then I'm sure!!
We are just trying to make him know that we love him and be as open as possible with him as to our concerns and the dangers, but at the same time ensure that he knows we don't approve of what he is doing. Tough one!