Social media - total ban anyone?

[Slippersmum]

After countless unpleasant incidents on snapchat etc we have decided to stop our dd using social media at all. We have found out she is being bullied at school and sadly hid it all from us. So last night we went through all her messages and my there is alot of nastiness on there. Not just relating to our dd but between lots of people. So we have decided that for a while at least to give it all a break. Has anyone else chosen to do this? How has it worked?

It seems quite unfair to me that she's being bullied but she's the one being punished by not being allowed to use social media.
Can you not speak to the school about the bullying and just block those kids who are being nasty?

Exactly what itsbetter just said.

I have had a week of this with my own dd but I recognise that banning her completely actually makes her more of a target because it's the norm nowadays and without it she becomes the "weird" kid. However I closely monitor it to the point of knowing all passwords etc and we discuss what's going on and have blocked certain people and have even sent screen shots of particularly nasty exchanges to her teacher.

I think banning them is a bit like cutting off their right arm with the way things are now.

Thanks for your messages I can see your points of view. Over the last few months We have had countless fall outs and arguments fought over the internet and this is another in a long, long stream of problems. She is such a young 13 and gets drawn into arguments so easily. When I went through the messages they were so viscous! Can you expand on how you manage monitoring. Snapchat is where some of the real nastiness goes on and those images can just stay on screen for 3 seconds. I have also had parents get in touch with me saying she has sent mean messages which clearly is not acceptable. Do you monitor daily? We did think if she had 6 months off that may give her a bit of time to well, mature? Let me know your thoughts. Thanks

I've got four teens and, although we've never had any problems with social networking, I just wanted to say that not all of their friends use it and there doesn't seem to be any social repercussions - friends know that those people have to be contacted by text to make arrangements and honestly their lives don't seem to be poorer for it.

Having said that, they are people who made the decision themselves so they obviously aren't interested in teen drama. If your DD likes to know what's going on I expect she'll find it very difficult to stay away. I can think of two children who were banned by their parents - they found new apps and/or set up new accounts to get around it.

Personally I always said I wanted to know all passwords, be their friend on things like facebook and snapchat and just put the fear of God into them about presenting a good impression to the world.

I guess all you can do is try a ban with a view to a managed/supervised reintroduction if she proves herself responsible. The fact that you followed through on a ban might make her conduct herself better as and when you let her back on.

sending mean messages would have resulted in an immediate ban from me, but if she is being bullied that's tricky.

we had problems at 13. she was 6 weeks into being groomed, and lost her phone for 6 months while CID investigated. she's now 15.

now, the WiFi is set to turn off automatically on the providers server. no devices in rooms overnight, I monitor and check history regularly, I even look at private messages as she was threatening people privately. refusal to comply will be a ban.

she says I am too harsh, but she still breaks the rules in place to keep her safe, so that's the way it is for now.

and yes, I fucking hate social media and what it has done to our children's brains. I would chuck all screens out now if I were brave enough.

Well dd is 12 and she isn't allowed snap chat. I think Facebook and instagram are okay as long as you have their passwords and help them to set it up to ensure its private - the amount of girls in dds class that have totally public profiles is awful. She can only add people she actually knows. She knows I check regularly and if anyone is sending nasty messages it's an instant block and I will report them to the teacher. (As has just happened).

She is not allowed any devices in her bedroom at all. Ever. (She has a simple mp3 player for music). The way our living room is set up means I can mostly look over and see what she's up to.

I may be a bit harsh compared to some but I try to balance allowing her to be on it with some monitoring.

Hi do not post very often so be gentle...wanted to give support to the OP, we did the same. Also to gymbob - would put a bomb under all screens and social media if I could. We were/are lucky in the respect of no bullying, in fact her friends alerted the school who alerted us - ours was all the posting of self loathing, suicide wishes, cutting/harming etc. - to a certain extent it's 'trendy' but my god scared me *hitless. School jumped on the counseling the next day which was lucky, but its very difficult to counsel someone who does not want to communicate. We honestly have a happy family life..sits with us of an evening, we laugh and joke etc - then I find this awful awful negative suicidal stuff posted on Instagram - and how much we hate her - I mean WTF?? DD is 13 by the way.....so now only has Facebook and Instagram, OoVoo (as far as we know) - oh and multiple id's on Instagram which did not help have all passwords and she knows I check as we had another 'incident' last week....so tired of it all

big hugs to you little. like your username says, pass me the , is it time yet?

have also been through the cutting thing with her I find social media can just exacerbate it, they can find encouragement to cut if they wish, rather than support

Thanks souch got your posts. All my close friends have Ds rather than Ds's so feel rather alone. Thanks little for sharing especially as you said you don't often post and gymbob. So much goes on we don't know about doesn't it. I have just been through her room to find her diary and it's all about the things people have done and said and her thoughts of killing herself. She seems so unhappy. I don't want to send her into school on Monday?? It's my job to protect her isn't it and I feel like I am sending her into the lions den!

from past experience a ban just pushes them to make a secret account that they will block you on so you will never find it and things will carry on for normal for them

I need to find some way to manage this I guess. Fb etc is not a problem. But snapchat does worry me. How are people monitoring that?

I just wanted to join in this discussion to add my total loathing for social media. My sensitive dd is 17 and she has self harmed and taken overdoses after several bouts of cyber bullying over the last few years. She seems much better now, is on medication for depression, and I feel light is at the end of the tunnel. However I can never fully relax knowing that snapchat, twitter or whatever else may send her over the edge again. Kids don't think about and perhaps don't care what they post on line. Once her fb account was hacked and the stuff put on it, as if it was put on by her, was just vile and her private messages were forwarded to a wide circle of people. Thankfully I was on my fb account at the time and saw this stuff coming through and was able to find her and support her. We went to the police, but although they were kind, they wouldn't get involved unless it continued to happen.

Unfortunately our experience doesn't appear to be so rare and I worry about the mental health of teens in general, and of course even younger kids, with social media adding to the pressures of life these days.

Anyway, rant over!

Thanks Clara66. It really is a nightmare isn't it. My dd fb account was also hacked and they sent really vile messages to other people who thought they were coming from her and it caused so much trouble. She is also in the habit of letting 'friends' use her phone and things have happened when she does this. To all those who monitor their dc use on social media how do you do it? I am friends with my dd of fb and check her messages but can't she delete the ones she doesn't want to share and how can anyone monitor snapchat? Thanks for advice, suggestions and support so far.

do you not have her passwords, so you can log on as her? I do , its one of the conditions of her having social media. she doesn't like it, but it sure makes her keep her top on for all those pics that fly around

My DD has never used social media. You don't have to be on there to be a teenager, it's not obligatory....

I don't use it either, but I'm 51

Yippee, it may not be 'obligatory' for a teen to use social media, but I would say it's pretty unusual for them not to use it. How old is your teen?

When DD was younger we had her passwords, but at 17 there's no chance. I know friends of my DD who have had secret accounts hidden from their parents.... And unfortunately I'm sure this would happen to us if I obtained DD's passwords.

Slippers mum, I'm friends with DD on FB hence I was able to step in when DD's account was hacked. I am able to track her twitter, but, like u say, snapchat is impossible. The only thing we do is remove her phone at bedtime as it seems to me that this is when most fall outs happen.

On a positive note, social media has also been an important source of support for my DD when she has been struggling. Friends have been quick to rally round and she has been able to reach out to them when she has felt the need.

I do have her passwords but how does that work with snapchat? We are friends of fb and that is one I am
not so worried about. But with snapchat the messages only appear for the amount of time the sender sets. So unless you screen shot and you have to think fast if the time set is minimal eg seconds its gone. And how often do you check as things can just be deleted from anywhere. The stuff on their is so mean 'you ugly bitch, why don't you just go kill yourself and make everyone happy' it's so upsetting to read that sent to you dd. I really want to challenge this bullying culture which is present within schools. Thanks again for all your helpful comments.

Just seen your message Yippe. Who made that decision. Was it you or your dd?

Also just noticed your comment Clara. So we are agreed it is impossible to monitor snapchat? I wondered if there was some magic formula everyone else was using. So thanks for that!

There's a product called mSpy which allows monitoring of snapchat - it's not cheap though - but you could maybe do it for a month to get a full picture and then decide whether to remove it totally or allow her to keep it..
www.mspy.co.uk/

Gosh thanks Blue. This forum
is full of knowledgeable people! When you say expensive? I don't want to stalk my own dd but I do need exactly as you say a full picture. The thought of someone telling her to kill herself is so upsetting and I feel helpless. Thank you.

For anyone experiencing bullying or social network problems these whiteboard animations are excellent and very beneficial . Hope they help.

www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/whiteboard-animations/social-network-smart/

www.jw.org/en/bible-teachings/family/teenagers/whiteboard-animations/beat-a-bully-without-using-your-fists/

My youngest DD is in a class where everyone chats on various sites, but she has never had an account anywhere. After a friend of hers got involved in a huge blow up with another friend at about age 10, and tried to drag DD4 into the fray, I privately decided that DD4 wouldn't have any SM account for many years.

I was very lucky in that apparently the experience put DD off the whole thing too -- so far she has not asked to join anything but Pinterest, which she enjoys a lot. The fight was really very much a shock for her. She liked both of the friends who were involved and never suspected they were such a pair of little horrors. She has dropped both of them. One left the school subsequently and one turned in to a total princess. DD has always kept clear of the cliques in her class. She doesn't have any stomach for the drama. She doesn't feel bad about being left out and will not put up with anything just to feel 'in'.

One of her current friends has a FB account but her other friend is the only other girl in the class who has no chat-type account. If DD ever wants an account anywhere it will be under supervision and with the most extreme privacy settings available.

DD3 (16) had a FB when she was 13 but stopped using it and now only uses Pinterest too.. Many of her friends have no SM accounts and they text each other to get in touch. I don't worry about her or snoop. She is a very studious, nerdy girl who wants to do engineering and most of her friends are similarly inclined. Mostly what they text about is maths and physics.

I don't really know what to advise but FWIW neither of my slightly older teens had FB until they were 15 - voluntarily.

Yes, we have a total ban on social media, ds is 14. It's more dh's ban than mine tbh but he spends a lot of time at work dealing with fully grown men and FB fall outs so I can see his point.