So she's broken and purposely defaced her laptop but apparently *I'm* to blame

[Itchyandscratchy]

13 yo has kept her laptop out of sight for a while now but I asked for it today as I thought dd2 could play on it if dd1 wasn't going to make good use of it. She's broken the lid by holding it by the screen (I assume) - she doesn't seem to remember how it happened but I don't believe her. She's also made deep scratches just under the keyboard which she admits to doing 'but ages ago'. She apologised and made some lame offer to pay for it but when I grounded her and took her phone off her she flew at me: she hates living here; crying; shouting, etc. and has shut herself in her room.

Dh went to see her a while ago but she hadn't calmed down and was still ranting, obviously on the attack as she knows she's in the wrong. I'm to blame, she said; I'm twisting her words and had the nerve to be angry at the damage to something that cost a lot of money.

I'm too annoyed to speak to her at the moment but I'm also slightly worried as she's self-harmed a couple of times last year and she might use this to punish us/me as I've taken her phone away and she'll be wanting to rant to her friends right now.

Do we leave her to stew or try to get her to come down for dinner?
Is grounding appropriate do you think? A week? I'm a bit unsure what next steps should be. God I'm crap at this!

I don't know. It sounds to me like she probably broke it by mistake, but has been too afraid to tell you. With good reason, as it appears. Why do you assume that she broke it on purpose?

Also - self-harm isn't really about punishing other people. It is about punishing yourself. Amongst other things.

She sound very angry about something. I don't think I'd ground her. Try and find out what the problem is. It's quite possible it has got broken by mistake. The self harm sounds far more worrying than a broken laptop.

Would you prefer she cut the laptop or herself?
Neither is to punish you.

13yo s break technology, by ignorance, accident or sheer bloody mindedness. She is being punished by having no laptop. You have to learn to communicate with each other about when a replacement will be got, who pays what share and the ground rules that may prevent a similar occurrence.

How lame was the offer to pay something towards the repair?
(It's a much better offer than I would get from my self-centred 13yo)

Is the laptop actually unusable? For what purpose and using what money was it purchased?

If it is still useable but just tatty, then she can use that till it breaks totally.

Don't ground her but keep her phone till tomorrow morning that is monumental punishment for a teen

Ask her to come down when she is ready to talk to you & try & discuss it with her, she is pushing the boundaries for sure but if she is self harming she needs support & discussion not punishment- are CAMHS involved? A neutral person to vent to who is not a parent might help a bit.

Sounds like the broken lid was an accident. I think you are being a bit harsh on her.

Accidents happen.

I'm aware I sound harsh. The lid was quite possibly accidental; could also have been chucked in a temper. But you're right: I don't know so I have to assume it was accidental. Gouging scratches in it is not accidental though. I don't think that's ok, actually. It's a disrespect for something that cost a lot of money and its quite spoilt I think.

The self harm has been/is being dealt with via school/GP and a CAHMS referral but is likely to take a number more months. Her marks have faded and she was a lot happier but this has been the biggest upset we've had for a long time. I'll go and see her now.

Thanks for words of advice.

Hmmm. She really doesn't care that much about the damage to the laptop - I don't think she's ever really liked it or used it as we thought she would, consequently she wasn't too arsed at the thought it was broken/damaged.

She seemed much more upset about a falling out she had with a friend this afternoon. I said sorry about shouting but she just said 'okay' and anything else was like trying to open up a clam. She was very cold. We had a hug but she was definitely withholding and punishing me. I asked her what she would do in my place and she just shrugged and said 'You're the mum, not me.'

We can't make her remorseful so well just have to accept her (half) apology and get back to normal tomorrow. She'll be grounded tomorrow after school then that'll be it.

I suspect part of the problem may be the time lag between the damage and you finding out. If the damage happened some time ago, whether it was deliberate or not it will feel remote to her now, and far less important than her problem with her friend; and then not only does she have to deal with an unexpected extra stress as you found out about the laptop, but also she loses her phone and is isolated from the friend stuff that seems far more important and relevant to her at that time. If I were her I'd have found having the phone removed a very hard thing to deal with. As a PP said, the consequence of damaging the laptop is having a damaged laptop. If it still works, I'd just leave her with it. If it doesn't work and she needs one for school, then I would find some way of giving her the use of one without replacing it until the next natural big change in her education - say starting GCSEs - when it could be a new start. Particularly if she is showing signs of self harming, I would worry that she needs support more than discipline. More is at stake here; you want to be the parent she trusts with her problems, not someone she is scared to tell if she's messed up, surely?