Advice re sensitive dd not working hard etc

[nowitsenough]

Dd 13 is extremely sensitive and a total drama queen about everything. I accept this is normal at her age, however, I don't accept the way she overreacts when criticised in any way.

For example she is in her first gcse year, but does the bare minimum of homework, often handing homework in late or done to a poor standard because she wants to get on with skyping her friends or watching YouTube videos. She does no extra revision, although I have purchased Revision guides. Tonight dh and I asked her if she had any homework and when she said no we asked if she could be doing some revision. She insisted she does some regularly, although I haven't seen her pick up the revision guides (which are on the bookshelf in the dining room) once. She burst into tears and said she can never do anything right, that she is trying to do what we ask but she isn't good enough, that the stress is too much.

We really do not criticise often, nor do we ask much of her. She does no chores around the house. We did say recently it would be nice if she didn't spend all her time on the PC or iphone and she did cut down a bit and spend some time with us.

I feel like she is emotionally blackmailing us. We don't shout or punish and rarely have reason to. But I think we should be able to point out to her if something is bothering us, i.e if she isn't doing enough work, if she's spending all her time online, if she's rude etc ...

Last year she self harmed briefly (2 weeks). I spoke to my gp and the school about it, she didn't want to talk to the gp or school counselor, my gp advised keeping an eye on things and making an appointment with her if necessary.

I can't help but feel that it could all be a bit of drama, all the girls talk about self harming, they are all so dramatic, it's almost as if they think they're living in an American soap or something.

Her home life is stable, dh and I are happy and loving with each other. I work from home and try to always be there for her.

I'm trying to strike a balance between taking this seriously but also not making too big a deal about it.

I just don't know how to deal with it. How do I tell her off when necessary without her bursting into tears and making a huge deal out of it? Or do I just back off, let her make her own mistakes with regard to lack of homework and revision etc?

In the past, when you have criticised the quality of her homework or the lack of revision, has she started doing more or improving the quality?

If not, you're creating tension for nothing and I would back off.

Choose your battles or you have a long 5 years ahead of you.

The only way I would get involved with schoolwork is if she was failing tests or getting detentions for not completing it. You can't create a work ethic, she needs to find that for herself.

Teens are over sensitive to criticism and just because you think she's being silly doesn't mean she doesn't genuinely feel that you are always on her back. She has tried to explain how she feels and I think you should listen if you want to maintain your close relationship.

No in the past it has made no long term difference, in fact barely any short term either.

I don't think she's being silly. I just want her to toughen up a bit.

I really do normally "pick my battles". I don't shout, scream and nag, her schoolwork is the one thing I'd like to change.

I struggle with the response from her that she is "useless", because we've criticised her once. I want her to be happy, confident, strong, but I don't know how to "make it so"

Assuming she's is year 9 and doing three year GCSE courses I'd back right off tbh. Most kids do GCSEs over two years so you have plenty of time for her to pick up the slack.

Revision guides in year 9 seems a bit much. Really the optimal time is year 11.

Her work ethic will come when she needs it don't worry.

It seems that she doesn't respond well to criticism, and that it makes her feel 'useless', so it is unlikely to start having the desired effect.

Tough, resilient kids are made by showing them that you trust them to do the right thing and praising them to high heaven when they do it. If they are only ever 'doing the right thing' because they've been cajoled and nagged into it then any success is devalued in their eyes.

I would honestly back off about the schoolwork. Who revises in Year 9 unless there's a test coming up and revision has been set as homework?tell her you trust her judgement and know she will study when she needs to.

When you see her doing homework or revision, praise the effort. Put her in situations where she can be independent, show her that you trust her and she'll rise to the challenge.

Thanks

We bought the revision guides because school recommended them and offered them at discounted prices. Dds French teacher thinks she is struggling and should be spending some time each week in addition to homework going over stuff in the revision guide.

Yes her school has introduced doing gcses over three years.

Horses to water who won't drink and all that.
Are all her GCSE exams at end of yr11? Does she have any this May or June?
I hate the all-at-end-yr-11 System, but this is an occasion when it may work out for you. My thinking is to keep her willing to work while at school & she will probably revise when the time comes that she truly needs to.

My eldest is in y11.
I do think that pushing for 'revision' in y9 (or even y10) may be asking a bit much unless there is a specific test to aim at.

But things you could try

• lots of praise
• limit Skype/youtube until later in evening after a time at which all homework could have been completed to a good standard. e.g. after 7. So no reason to rush hw to get onto them.
• check hw done to good standard before allowing electronics
• lots of praise
• if there is a particular subject she needs help with, then on a day with little/no homework, set some specific 'extra' work which needs to be completed before the electronics
• did I mention lots of praise?

Save the big guns for y11!