Where is the line between what's normal for a teenager or when I should step in?

[fartmeistergeneral]

My dh says this is completely normal for a teenager (ds 16) and I see that he's probably right but it's still hard to live with!

School - failing drastically, school have been very involved, we've tried everything to help, either determined to fail for the perceived glorification from his friends ('you're an absolute legend') or is so delusional he CAN'T understand the consequences

Eating - been a fussy eater for years which I've never pandered to. If he doesn't finish his dinner he gets nothing til tomorrow. Of course now he can just go out and buy what he wants. He lives on sweets, coke, crisps and chippy stuff. His dinner one day may well be a big bag of Haribos.

Phone - the bane of my life. He's on it 24/7. Nothing matters to him apart from that phone. He can't study because of the phone (although obv there are other reasons for not studying too), messages come in constantly. He goes to sleep at god knows what time because he's on his phone. I can't even turn off the wifi now because he has unlimited (which he pays for).

Hobbies - did have a really good one (won't say in case I'm exposed!) but dropped it and now has nothing. He comes home from school and sits on his phone til we go to bed and I presume long after that. He is literally lying on his bed messaging folk for hours. He works one day at weekends and the other day he'll get up about lunchtime and get breakfast then lie on his bed on his phone til bedtime.

He goes out on Friday and Saturday nights and seems absolutely fine when he's with his friends. Jolly and happy.

Should I just grit my teeth and wait for him to grow up? He will definitely fail his exam in the meantime. He's staying on til final year at school but has no ambition, no idea what to do after that.

How is he funding the phone, the haribo, the nights out - purely from his one day of work? Does he do any household chores - who does his laundry?

I see your dh's point about 'normal' - I think a lot of teenagers can be like this.

However.

If he fails his exams (when probably all his friends will pass and he'll feel betrayed because of course they all boast about doing no work but actually he's likely in the minority in that he's not secretly studying) then you'll be the ones picking up the pieces.

Even if you don't fund him at all, what do you have as bargaining power?

All absolutely normal apart from the exams. Good for him working and paying for his phone and social life.

As ThingummyJigg says there is a lot of bluster about not working but most of them will be doing what's necessary.
Does he know what will happen if he fails his GCSEs? His friends will all be off to college to do their A levels and he will be left having to retake his GCSEs, no glory in that.
Would a bribe an incentive work?

He has 2 jobs at the moment and pays for stuff from that. I give him lunch money for school. I've told him that all his friends will be studying even if they say they aren't but of course he doesn't believe me and says NO ONE is revising.

School for me is a losing battle, there's nothing else I can do with that. I've tried everything over the last couple of years.

It's the total lack of motivation that gets me. I feel really angry about it, weirdly. I find it really pathetic if that's not too strong a word, I feel I don't have any respect for him at the moment. Get a hobby! Show some get up and go!! Live life!!!

Hobbies are pretty low on the list of priorities though I'd say? Very common for these to be dropped in teens and taken up again when older.

He has two jobs, that's more motivation than many teenage boys.
He goes out twice a week - not too excessive.
Fussy eater - annoying but at 16 you can't do much about that.
On his phone all day - yes they all are but I would insist on a phone curfew until exams are over.
So the school work is the main most important issue IMO.

Yes I didnt mean to emphasise the lack of hobbies as a huge deal, it's just the doing NOTHING that gets to me!!

As for the school thing, really there is nothing you can suggest here that I haven't already tried. I've said to put phone to one side a million times to no avail.

And yes, chuffed about his jobs. I've told him I'm proud that he's working. I just wish he had a bit more lust for life.

He's got some get up and go if he has a paid job. My DS says none of his mates have jobs ( they are 17) which I know is untrue and he refuses to get a job himself other than a little babysitting. DS also has dropped all hobbies.
Sadly it is easy for them to waste their days away online.
Teens are annoying as you describe. If yours is like mine you won't change him no matter how much you try.
They aren't all like this but what you describe certainly isn't unusual.

Oh God... the doing nothing. It's a nightmare isn't it. My DS (15) is constantly glued to a screen - whether his computer or his phone, and he's just bought himself a PS4 with his Christmas and Birthday money.

It drives me mad that this boy who used to do football, rugby, tennis, volleyball at some stage can now spend so much time doing nothing. His social life is almost exclusively screen-based, he hardly ever goes out.

Luckily he's started to pull his finger out at school and his grades aren't too bad. He realises if he fails his GCSEs his options will be very limited.

I do have a curfew on his phone - he can't take it to bed with him and he doesn't stay up on his screen after we've all gone to bed. I know a lot of his friends do though but that is the hardline in this house. However I do realise if he decided to rebel against that there would be little I could do about it other than staying up all night to check on him.

What is your DS's peer group like? IME it tends to be 'falling in with a bad lot' that can lead to a complete lack of interest in school. I would be thankful that he has the gumption to get up and do a job.

Teens - it was so much easier when you could just say "Because I said so"

Yes I loved the 'I told you so' days!!

He has quite a range of friends but the closest ones are long term friends who are all heading to uni. May be that he feels he's not up to their standard and refuses to try but again I've said a million times that he's an intelligent boy who could sail through to uni with a wee bit of work and the school have said this too.

I used to take his phone off him at night but now that would involve a violent physical fight with a 5' 10" teenager. I'm not going there.

What are his plans for September, plus how did he do in his mocks?

Random thoughts:

Have you any leverage at all if you say you must look at next step down courses, in case you don't do as well as you hope?

It would be tempting to work to rule, no washing done etc unless there is a compromise regarding school work and phone. But I guess it might backfire.

Is school any help?

Is his phone a contract? I know he pays for it, but presumably as a minor it's not his name on the contract?? Does that mean you could (threaten to) cancel it unless he cooperates?

Can you talk to his friends and get them to admit that of course yes they are working?

Bribery? For instance if you get a C in maths English and science ill pay for x,y or z? For a B and ywo other subjects at C you get X,Y or Z and Q.

Thats if your in thw position to of course and you shouldn't have to but it might work!