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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Help around the house

14 replies

tartetatin · 28/10/2006 18:56

What should I reasonably expect my children to help with around the house? I have a 14yr old boy and 12yr old girl (teenager in everyway except her age); my partner -not their dad- thinks they are lazy and should help more. We have a 3month old baby together and he is threatening to move back to his old place if things don't change. Thing is, is he expecting too much? example - on mondays the wheelie bin is put out for the bin men. The kids are home before anyone else; every monday they walk past the bin without thinking of putting it back where it lives. If I ask them, they will move it, but don't do it off their own back. Sounds silly, but would your kids walk past the bin too??

OP posts:

webcrone · 28/10/2006 19:12

Do you want them to do more? What do they do already? At 12 & 14 I expect taking responsibility for self (cleaning own room for example) and some general support about the house. If they're not doing much already, don't expect them to go from doing very little to doing a lot in one giant leap, and get used to giving reminders and saying thank you for any cooperation whatsoever (dull and repetitive but necessary!). Also, how much does your partner do about the house, because your kids will follow his example (I had to train both partner and kids!). Better done sooner than later and help around the house is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

Milliways · 28/10/2006 19:42

My DS (11) bought the bin back down the drive last week - & it was still FULL! He didn't think to look & when we noticed had missed the collection! He will do whatever asked, but doesn't volunteer. DD (15) does a lot more, but she also has a LOT of homework to contend with, so only ask her to muck in when things are bad & visitors due. If her friends are coming she cleans whole house on her own without being asked!

brimfull · 28/10/2006 19:46

ime they need to be told to do something,my dd will do anything I ask but will sneak off if I forget to ask her to do it.She does the dishes every night without me asking though as that's her job.She will sometimes swap to bath her 4 yr old db instead.
She would probably walk past the bin too unless I stipulated that I expected her to do it.

Original poster

tartetatin · 28/10/2006 19:51

Webcrone - thanks for your response. Yes, I would like them to do more. At the moment they will do jobs they're asked to do, but they don't ever just take the initiative. They will do as little as possible. Another example - the dishwasher. If I ask them to unstack it they will, but if they come across it full, clean and waiting to be unstacked they will just leave their dirty stuff on the side. I find it very frustrating so I imagine that my other half must find it doubly so. He ,by the way, cooks, tidies the kitchen up puts on washing, puts it on the line etc so he isn't a bad role model for them. As for their bedrooms - well I leave them too it. I never touch them and tell them that if they are happy to live in a pigsty, so be it. My boy is better than my girl. She 'humphs' whenever she is asked to do something, but will do it- in her own time. I do thank them for doing chores, but what I find so boring is the fact that they do have to be tasked with everything

OP posts:

fairyjay · 28/10/2006 20:05

tartetatin
You're not alone. My 13 yo dd and 14 yo ds have to be asked to do anything. They will grudgingly lay the table, bring in the bin, empty the dishwasher - but have to be prompted for everything.
To be honest, I can't remember being much better though!
Irritates like mad, doesn't it!!

webcrone · 28/10/2006 20:15

Hi tartetatin - I'm delighted to hear there's a good role model, it surely helps. I have no answer to the constant reminder approach except consistent constant reminders, as others have said. I've met very few early teenagers who demonstrate much initiative when it comes to chores, although they do eventually get it. It is frustrating, and it can be sooooo boring, but it sounds like you're doing OK on the whole if they do stuff, even if there is some puffing and panting - is your partner serious about moving?

We had the wheelie bin thing too if it's any consolation.

Original poster

tartetatin · 28/10/2006 20:48

Well, I'm glad that I am not alone. Your responses have been pretty much what I expected and my children seem to be pretty typical. So, next step, how do I convince dp that they are normal? Brief history: split up with kids dad @10yrs ago. Been with dp for years but kept own houses; me scared to take plunge again and he liked independence of having his own place. This time last year found we'd had a little accident - gorgeous ds arrived in July - all thrilled (including big kids.) Dp moved in with us full time in March and rented his place out. Huge changes for him- has known the kids forever but not the same as permamently living with them and he has become a new dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

tartetatin · 28/10/2006 20:48

OP posts:

7up · 28/10/2006 20:51

when my kitchen bin bag isfull i tie it up and put it outside the front door on the drive till myself or ds goes out to put it in the bin. he will step over the rubbish to go to school!

hes 12 and until a year ago was a great help,no more now hes turning into a teenager

hollyhobbie · 28/10/2006 21:13

I didn't get my pocket money unless I'd done my chores. Could you use an 'incentive' like that to persude them?
(Me and my sisters had to wash or dry the dishes each night, or make the sandwiches for next day's lunches - 3 jobs for 3 sisters) On Saturdays we each had a bit of the house that was our responsibility to clean, as well as being responsible for our own rooms.)

3littlefrogs · 29/10/2006 10:54

Teenagers are hopeless at taking the initiative - they are so self absorbed. however, mine will happily join in with sharing a task when i am doing something, such as putting furniture together, cooking, clearing up, decorating etc. I play on the fact that i am not strong enough to lift whatever it is or not tall enough to reach etc - that brings out the "big strong man" in them! I am quite shameless about doing this - it is the only way sometimes.
I no longer do my sons' washing - they very quickly got to grips with it. Anything they leave lying about, I put in a bin bag and dump on their beds. I don't clean their rooms either. I work, and have a younger child, my husband works very long hours. their rooms are usually a tip, but i just close the door on it. they will be moving away from home soon enough, and I will miss them terribly.

bloodyhowler · 29/10/2006 10:58

My ds is 12 and does nothing unless asked/nagged He is a sweet boy in every other way though so I forgive him!I think he just has too much other stuff going on that is way more interesting than housework.He walks past stuff and just doesn't notice it

webcrone · 29/10/2006 22:22

tartetatin - huge changes for all of you! It sounds like you're doing brilliantly. My advice is that you, and dp, put your attention on all the things that are working in your lives whilst you continue to make the inevitable transitions.

fortyplus · 30/10/2006 01:07

My 2 are 11 & nearly 13. We've recently introduced pocket money in exchange for a list of jobs. I printed them each off a list with boxes to tick when they've done each job every week. They both seem to like it - they used to ignore the bin/have untidy rooms/never tidy their shoes away/etc etc. Now they have a list and know what's expected of them so they will do the jobs that they used to be totally blind to - it just never occurred to them.

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