Weekend parties - are we being too harsh on ds1?

[temporadabaja]

Ds1 is in yr 10 but a summer birthday so still 14. He has recently got a girlfriend and has been spending quite a bit of time with her, having previously been pretty content to be at home. They got together at a party where there was a lot of drinking and from which he came home telling us how girls were falling over in the street and he had to help them to the bus stop etc. It all sounded fairly rowdy and out of control, so much so that the party was shut down early.

Now his girlfriend wants him to go to a party with her at the weekend. It is for a girl he doesn't know who is at a different school. We have said fine but we will pick him up afterwards and can give his girlfriend a lift home as well. We live in London so this will not be the case for a lot of the kids who will make their own way home. His girlfriend has said she does not want a lift with us. We have said ds1 can only go if we pick him up.

Our thinking is that even if ds1 doesn't drink there is an awful lot that can go wrong quite quickly among 14/15 years on public transport on a Saturday night. I don't think he would drink (can't be sure obviously) but I don't want him responsible for teens who have and by all accounts his girlfriend will.

Then again, they are in year 10 and some of them are heading fast for 16 so it does feel a bit as though we are being harsh on ds1 because he is still 14. But then again he is 14! This is all new to us because he is our eldest and until now he is been perfectly happy at home so we are having to work out what is reasonable pretty quickly. It seems as though a lot of his friends have very much more liberal parents.

If anyone could let me know what they do with similar aged children who might expect to be out and about in the evening on their own I would really appreciate it.

First of all I wouldn't let a 14 year old go to a party where there was alcohol and I certainly wouldn't let him come home on his own. My experience of parenting teens is that once you have said yes to something it becomes very much harder to say no next time. You have set the boundaries so to speak.

My situation is slightly different in that we live in the sticks so there is never any alternative to lifts from parents. In a city I appreciate that 14 is old enough to be out and about during the day but as you say yourself, late on a Saturday night is a different matter.

Mine went to the odd party at 14 but always where I vaguely knew the parents and knew that they would not be going out. Alcohol didn't feature until they were 16. At that point I let them take one bottle of beer or cider.

Year 10 I'd be picking up from parties. At 16 possibly not, but would require texts etc to keep me in the loop.

I let my DS go to parties too at 14, they were kids in his year and he has known most of them since reception. We live in London too and I would pick up at 14. I would offer lifts but most of the kids wanted to make their own way home. I know they were drinking, but all seemed in control.

He is 17 now and I let him stay out and do pretty much what he wants. Which is mainly drinking beer with his mates in the garden at home.

Thanks very much everyone for the replies. It is really helpful to hear that we are not out of line. We will definitely stick with the picking him up plan.

Now I just need to worry about the fact that he apparently has a girlfriend who is allowed a lot of freedom!

I agree with those saying pick up. DS1 is in year 10 and 15 and there's no way he would go to a party where he wasn't picked up. His friends' parents and I usually take it in turns to do drop offs and pick ups. I also wouldn't be comfortable with him drinking at parties.

Pick him up.

A) any form of public transport is grim/treacherous at night for adults let alone teenagers!

B) the the fact his GF doesn't want a lift speaks to me as she want to get up to some form of mischief at the party or come home later than maybe deemed appropriate. I'm not judging I'd of been the same I was a rascal.

C) you don't know this girl/ her parents or the other guests to be attending and how old they will be. It would certainly be as useful for you to be picking him up Incase the party gets shut down by the police. Or some random older saddo knob head who always turns up to these things gets lary and things go sour.

D) London's a big old place and I've got on/off The wrong bus/ train many a time in smaller places and so it might be a wee bit confusing for the lad especially if he's in an area he doesn't know.

I think what you propose is fine. He only gets to go if you pick him up at a pre arranged time.

Ds (14 soon) goes to some parties but I pick him up. Alcohol is not involved, not to my knowledge, I do suspect there is some but I never suspected he drank (he probably did but not enough to show) and if I would know there is alcohol offered I would not agree openly about it so I would not allow him to go.

I know it is better to know than not know but I feel that if I would openly say yes to a party where alcohol is involved I would give him a green light to drink. Like this I feel that if he does drink, he is at least careful not to get drunk for fear of me going crazy over it.

At 16 I will reconsider my position of course.

Yes, I would pick him up and I would just as you have done would offer Girlfriend a lift too, perhaps even phone her parents to offer.

My Ds is the came age but has no interest in girls or parties thank goodness just playing Civilisations.....

I would do the same as you - pick him up and if the GF changes her mind on the night and wants a lift the offer is there. You sound very fair and reasonable to me.

You didn't say how far away the party is?
I found this was a very difficult age with DS. However he would rarely allow us to pick him up, and has always been very independent like this. If your Ds is ok with telling you his plans and lets you pick up then good.
14 seemed so young to me and I remember DS having friends who were allowed loads of freedom, and no curfews. We had loads of conflict about freedom and curfews at that age.
I'm afraid this is one for your family to negotiate.
Re drinking - keep up the communication and explain clearly about different drinks - cider versus vodka for example. And talk about weed too, lots of teens prefer weed to alcohol.

That's the thing, 14 is so young although it is sometimes difficult to remember this when the 14 year old in question is 6ft.

The party is a bus ride away (not sure how direct because he hasn't given us exact address yet) or a couple of stops on the tube. But it is in an area that ds doesn't know really well and which isn't as safe as where we live. If it were round us in the area he knows inside out and he could walk I would be more amenable to him making his own way back at a given time. Actually I think that would be fine as long as he wasn't out much past 10.30pm.

We do talk a lot about alcohol and drugs and ds is very sensible so I don't think he will be dabbling in either for the time being. I guess for him alcohol is more likely than weed because it is extremely important to him to be clever and academic and he is very disparaging about friends who smoke weed and are not "on it" mentally. I'm actually quite shocked though by how prevalent both alcohol and weed seem to be in this age group.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. It is so useful to hear all your experiences as I'm not really close friends with anyone with children this age.

I think you are completely doing the right thing.
I have a 14 yr old ds.
I would collect if he actually went out.
As far as the GF.
When I was 14 I had freedom to do as I pleased.
I had a baby by 16!!!!

i think at this age the more you can communicate, and listen to him without judgement the better. DS became very secretive at this age, for fear that anything he said we would over react to , or try to speak friends' parents. Rarely would he tell us where he was going, and he never ever returned from parties with anything to say. Like you I didn't have friends with similar teens and we felt very much in the dark.
And he never believed the link with weed and attainment. He was pretty happy to disprove my concerns when he got excellent gcse results after 3 years of smoking the stuff.
Is there any way you can get to know some of the other parents ? This can be very helpful, to have a network.

temporadabaja It is so useful to hear all your experiences as I'm not really close friends with anyone with children this age.

Same here. I discovered MN 7 years ago when DS1 was 12. I have had the most wonderful, valuable advice from this section and the education section over the years.