Drinking- what age?

[Fleurdelise]

Hello,

Found a text onto my Ds' phone (reading his texts, I know it is bad, but I just want him to be safe) from a friend of his saying he was drinking vodka and Ds should try it too. Ds replied with an excuse (my mum is home) which I know is a lie because I wasn't home at that time. While it felt good that he found an excuse I am now worried they are drinking behind my back, that this is not just a one off occasion and they may be drinking while outside. Alcohol was never a big thing in our household, we drink only the occasional glass of wine, in more recent months allowed him to have half a glass on occasions such as Christmas or special dinners.

They are 14 yo.

So what do I do? Of course I can't tell him I found the text, just wondering what would you do?

14/15 sounds about right to start trying weaker alcopop type drinks to me.

What is not ok is drinking outside, in parks etc.

Having them over with snacks and a couple of bottles of WKD each is a nice intro into drinking safely.

Also, stop reading his texts. Really, stop.

'Wanting him to be safe' isn't a good excuse at all.

Thanks for your answer. In fact I haven't been reading his texts ever until last night when I have seen him putting his code in and even though I generally trust him I felt the need to check he is ok. It is not something that I do on regular basis, I know it is not an excuse but surely all parents worry about what their Dcs are up to at this this age.

I am proud of him that he did find an excuse not to drink (at that point in time) but not sure if he does it when he is out.

And also not sure why he would drink behind our back when we never had a completely against attitude about it. I just imagined that being open about it would keep him away from drinking in hiding.

It's tricky because they will be exposed to alcohol and need to know how to deal with either drinking it or saying no. We always talked about it a lot. The dangers of drinking too much, too fast, the loss of inhibition and the fact that some people turn nasty.
Mine were allowed a cider or beer at home on special occasions from about 15. Certainly never with friends at 14.
Once they were 16 alcohol seemed to be drunk at parties, so I let them take a bottle of fruit cider.

Going against what others say - no I wouldn't allow or approve of my 14 year old having alcohol. I think that it's too young.

I'll have to re-think when they're 16, but won't be rushing off to the off licence then either.

Well done to your son for being sensible and not succumbing to peer pressure.

My dad is/was a dead alcoholic....

he died because of alcohol when my girls were 8 and 9, and prior to that they saw the state he got into (from a distance) - it has so far made them think twice.

Thank you for your answers they make sense and while I am happy he found an excuse I am now wondering where to go from here. I will for sure not run to buy him alcohol to chat over it but somehow I'll have to discuss this (again) with him without giving myself away about the text reading issue.

Somewhere my dad was an alcoholic and died at the age of 46 because of it. Never met his grandchildren. Ds knows this but as he wasn't around he hasn't seen it all so it is for him more of a story I tell from time to time rather than an experience he went through.

The boy texting him is a very close friend of his, I used to think he was a good influence but now I will worry forever. Ds has sleepovers around his from time to time also...

The answer I give when mine asks about anything like drugs, drink, sexual activity etc is "Please do as little as possible, as old as possible". If I thought "Just Say No" had any impact I might take that approach but I don't.

Not allowing your teens to do something you are not particulaly happy with will, in my experience, drive it underground and you won't find out till it's too late.

Yes it's illegal, yes none of us really want our children experimenting at such a young age but...

I would rather know and be able to supervise/advise.

So my answer is;
I allow my 15yo DS to drink but I HAVE to know what/when/where.
If it's a party we will supply the drink he takes with him
If it's at home we know what is in the house

eg...A few months ago we discovered he had necked 2 bottles (little ones, not the litre ones) in around an hour so we spoke to him about not guzzling it like lemonade and to be responsible with his drinking.

This approach seems to have worked, allowing it and monitoring it.

The facination with booze seems to have worn off for the time being

At 14 I would offer alcohol at home if we are having some - a drop of wine or a weak g&t. Youngest will have a weak g&t sometimes ( she's 15) but doesn't like wine. DS liked a decent red wine by 14 but agsin a small glass if we were having it with a meal. Both the big ones seem to drink fairly appropriately at uni now - youngest still to young to know if this permissive strategy works for her....

If you haven't any evidence of him drinking behind your back and he's making excuses to his mate this sounds good to me. I'd have a chat about it as in " i read on mumsnet that some kids of your age are during vodka and I wondered about your friends ...."

" I read on mumsnet" is a commin conversation starter here!

I used to drink at that age. My parents had a zero tolerance attitude so I hid it from them. As a result me and my friends used to drink cheap nasty spirits in the park.

As a result, i would take a different approach when dd is older and allow her to drink weak drinks eg beer, in small amounts. I had a friend whose parents used to give him those tiny bottles of French beer, which I think is a good idea as they are very weak and basically impossible to get drunk on.

I think your ds sounds pretty sensible tbh and you need to trust him and not read his texts.

Yes it's illegal, yes none of us really want our children experimenting at such a young age but...

Drinking alcohol in your own home or another private premise is legal from age 5.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/alcohol-and-the-law/the-law-on-alcohol-and-under-18s

When my DS was 14, he phoned to me say that he could not see his tutor that evening.as he had been drinking Vodka in the park with his friends after school and did not feel well. When I got home I explained that he should not be drinking vodka on an empty stomach during the day, tbh I thought it was funny. He did not do this again. I know his friends drink spirits but he tends to stick to beer now.

He does drink more now, he is 17. From 15 onwards I would buy him beer and cider for parties and if his friends are around. I do offer him wine with meals but he does not want any.

They all experiment with drinking, just talk to him about it and be open. As a pp said they can drink at home from a young age if you as his parent allow it. They can drink in a pub or restaurant at the age of 16 if they have a meal.

Thank you all for your replies.

I guess the reason I have been a bit shocked was the fact that we do do all the above, he has a small glass of beer, a glass of wine, when we do at the weekend or the special occasion. We don't drink much, don't get drunk (I am not trying to pose as a saint, it's just that we don't) and we have a drink maybe once every other weekend. If he is downstairs with us we offer him some.

Now I am ok, proud he found a excuse but also knowing that we need to talk about it more often. And yes the discussion will start with "I have read on mumsnet"...