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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teen Son and My Mum

7 replies

queeneileen · 08/03/2015 21:34

My 13yr old and my mum have had an almighty row (they clash at the best of times) and are now not talking to each other. He screamed at her and told her to shut up (she was trying to fix his phone and he snatched it back) and she told him he was acting like a dickhead. According to her, he was rude and obnoxious, according to him she was telling him he was stupid and that she was going to break his phone. I can see both sides and can imagine both sides doing what they've accused each other of (mum and I argued like this for years).

I work full-time and she makes his breakfast, snack when he's home from school, drops him at rugby practice once a week, and makes sure he's on the bus to his dad's on a Friday. I'm already planning to see if I can swap my shifts round to lessen the contact between them, but unless I can do something to make them see how pigheaded the pair of them are being, it's going to fester.

It's actually making me feel sick to my stomach. I can't afford to reduce my hours (single parent) and I just want to knock their heads together.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 08/03/2015 21:56

Do you all live together? If not, reduce contact for a while. At 13 he can get his own breakfast and snack, and get on a bus to his dad's.

SanityClause · 08/03/2015 22:02

Is there any reason he needs adult supervision for those things? My 10yo gets his own breakfast and snack, and walks to his weekly drama class (he has other events we have to take him to, though).

TheFairyCaravan · 08/03/2015 22:05

Why can't a 13yo make his own breakfast and snack?

I wouldn't be happy with him screaming at her and telling her to shut up. It's completely disrespectful.

Fleurdelise · 08/03/2015 22:07

I agree, at 13 he should manage on his own. My Ds is 13, goes all the way into London with friends (we live outside London so he needs to go by train), walks or takes the bus everywhere around our town, gets his own snacks and also lets himself in after school and is home alone for an hour after school.

queeneileen · 08/03/2015 22:07

She's next door. Spose it's just habit, really. He's really lackadaisical and she chivvies him out of the house on time - I leave for work before he goes to school. Rugby is a good couple of miles away but I can hopefully change my shift for that one.

I'm just disappointed at the pair of them, I think. I feel like I'm constantly in the middle.

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BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 08/03/2015 22:52

I can imagine what a horrible situation this must be for you - who ever wants to be piggy in the middle.
However what struck me from your post is - really? Who's the adult here?
I would be cracking down on Ds' behaviour and wouldn't be happy but he's 13 and is a child - a stroppy hormonal teen maybe but still a child who is likely to behave...childishly.
What's your mother's excuse? If you argued like this for years then it's normal for you but, even if she didn't actually this time, the fact you think it's perfectly possible she called him stupid, threatened to break his phone and called him a dickhead - that's really quite pathetic behaviour from a grown adult. Pigheaded? She needs to grow up.
I agree with pp's he can do more for himself, if he's a dawdler and misses Rugby? Then next time he'll get himself there. Would his dad be on board with helping you with this growing independence? with his bus journeys?

It reads like he's having a spat with his sister not his grandmother. If it were me I'd punish Ds, get him started with doing a bit more himself (which might help ease some frustration and butting heads with you) and leave my mother to have contact when she only has to be social and they can enjoy each other. I wouldn't necessarily want to start a rift, which might be how it ended up so I'd take away opportunities for situations to arise where she can model the exact behaviour I'm busting my ass to stop in my teen.
You're his mother, his behaviour is your job, her support has probably much valued in the past but she should have done this enough times to know the drill, so is it actually any help to you if she decides to step in and then causes a situation like this? You clearly feel crap about it and it's fallen on you to mediate - she's a grown up!
None of that has any further judgment on how nice, supportive or loving she is in general I hasten to add. Just that in this particular sphere, is she doing you any favours at all?

queeneileen · 09/03/2015 07:18

Thank you. He's been soundly told off for his own part but you're right about my mum.
His dad can't help as he lives about 15miles away and he's a whole different buttpain.

Thank you all. I'll get the ball rolling on what you've suggested.

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