16 year old won't do a thing - Father encourages him with misinformation

[TeenagerDispair]

Hi, I am at my wits end as to what to do next. My 16 year old refuses to do a thing I say or to study. I am struggling to get him to school (he is doing half days at the moment) and I am frantically trying to get him work experience, with a good employer, that will hopefully lead to an apprenticeship or a job. However, my ex (I have been a single mum for 13 years) has just come back into his life and bought him latest Xbox and is taking him to view colleges that even his school say he cannot get into because of his record of non attendance and low level disruption.
He is not an aggressive teenager, although I have had a few things thrown at me recently and smashed doors, and, when away from his mates at school, is a lovely young adult. He just loves to push the boundaries. I am working hard to get him work experience that will hopefully lead to an apprenticeship, with one day at a college, but he won't even visit the college now - as his dad says its crap. It is the only college he will get into and the work experience is a really good position but he is now ignoring all I say and his Dad is giving him unrealistic and false hope about the other colleges. I realise he is happy to have his dad back in his life but in the process of trying to please him he will be throwing every chance away by not having the right information. His dad is play acting (as was his problem in the past) and will not stick around to see the damage caused.
What do I do?

I cannot disconnect the internet as I also need to work from home (desperately trying to keep my job and keep an eye on him) and my 19 year old also needs it in the evenings/weekends for course work.When I do take away cable (which I leave at work) then the house gets damaged in retaliation.

Sorry you are having such a tough time. I can't advise but have a coffee .

I am sorry to hear about your problems with your DS. Firstly it sounds like you have been doing a great job trying to find apprentice and work experience opportunities. It must be incredibly frustrating to have his dad reappear at this point when you have struggled with school attendance etc. But if you can try and focus on the positive that your son is pleased to have him back in his life - obviously we don't know the back story so can't understand how you feel about this. If your son is enthusiastic about these other colleges and there are courses he is interested in would this be enough to motivate him over the next few months? If he is very unlikeky to get 5 A -C's for a level 3 course most good colleges should also be offering a range of Level 2 courses and also running Maths & English resits alongside these. I do think it is worth looking at all the local colleges to see what they offer - you may be surprised at their flexibility and willingness to give your son a chance.
I think another positive is that you are managing to get your son to school half days - through my work I deal with a lot of young people who refuse to attend school completely - once this happens it is so hard to get them back in and can have very long term implications.

Will your son talk to you or someone at school about what he wants to do? If he wants to go to college full time rather than an apprenticeship he will need to improve his attendance - even if its only for the next few months it could the college that he is capable of commitment. Also did he have reasonable attendance in year 10 that you could also show them?
Hoping that this is useful.

Is there any external avenues of support for example, school family support worker or ewo who can help.

Your son will sort his career out when he's ready and has grown up a bit. He's still young enough to make mistakes. I'm more worried about you than your son - you shouldn't be accepting behaviour like 'only' having a few things thrown at you recently and smashed doors - a 16 year old is not a small child and he could really injure someone/damage something. If he did this anywhere else, he'd be looking at a criminal record.

Was his dad violent/abusive? I think you need to strengthen your boundaries - it's his right to ignore all the help you're offering him but not to attack you or the house physically. You shouldn't be accepting this as though it was just one of those things.

Why don't you try contacting the colleges directly and asking them what their admissions criteria are? I've worked in a few and there are many kids who failed in their previous schools who are trying again - some fail for a second time though, and it's important that your ds is making these choices himself as the will to change has to come from him - no matter how great your ideas are, if he isn't on board, they won't work out. Do get him to think about what his alternatives are if he doesn't get a place; at 16, it's not your job to make those decisions for him, but you can help him make decisions by ensuring he has all the necessary information.

Good luck!

Maybe college would suit your son better than school. It sounds as if he doesn't want to do an apprenticeship. At 16, he is old enough to make his own choices and has time enough to recover if his plan A doesn't 't work out.