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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Is my daughter gay?

21 replies

prettyodd · 07/03/2015 23:20

My dd is 13. She is not interested in boys, but feels she understands girls more and thinks she might be gay. I wonder what age people know whether they are gay or not?

OP posts:

truthwithin · 07/03/2015 23:40

At 13 she may not be interested in boys. She may also not be interested in girls. I wouldn't worry too much & just hope that any prospective date doesn't make her a moody, impossible teen. ( We can all wish).

MyballsareSandy · 08/03/2015 08:16

At 13 I would think most kids would have an idea if they were gay. However, it's not uncommon to not be interested in boys at that age, and very common to have same sex crushes and feel you get on better with same sex friends.

AnnieMoor · 08/03/2015 08:19

I would say she is far too young for you to be questioning it.

I have a 16 year old ds who is not remotely interested in girls. Not gay, just not ready.

TittingAbout · 08/03/2015 08:24

It's funny how, if a child says she thinks she might be gay, so many people say, 'it's probably just a phase' or 'she's probably just not ready to be in a relationship with boys yet' etc etc.
Nobody says these things if the daughter says 'I think I like boys'.

Yes, she's probably gay. She says she is.
Why go ask Mumsnet if she is gay or not when she has told you herself?

SanityClause · 08/03/2015 08:24

The best thing to do is reassure her that her sexual preferences are fine, whatever they are.

I suspect that if she thinks she is gay, she probably is, or perhaps bi.

DD1 is 15 and has friends at school in same sex relationships.

MissMarplesBloomers · 08/03/2015 08:25

Just encourage her to have friends, & lots of different social experiences with both sexes and see how she develops. Reassure her of your love & support either way & she will be her true self whatever that is.

I think nowadays kids fall for the person not the gender, & it's great they are less hung up about it than we were!

Some kids DO know from an early age, I mean when did you know you were straight?!

PeruvianFoodLover · 08/03/2015 08:25

I found the FFLAG website very helpful - your DD obviously has a great relationship with you to be able to share her questioning; there are lots of resources out there for you to support her.

AbCdEfGh123 · 08/03/2015 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause · 08/03/2015 08:30

If her DD hasn't said anything, how does the OP know she thinks she might be gay, AbCd?

Reiltin · 08/03/2015 08:31

No way to know if she's gay - she may or may not know herself. Best thing is just to be open to it, make sure she knows it wouldn't be a problem, and leave her to figure it out in her own time

TittingAbout · 08/03/2015 08:32

abc the op says her daughter thinks she might be gay. She must have said that.

...And that was exactly my point - why does nobody say it's a phase when someone thinks they are straight.

ragged · 08/03/2015 08:32

^What SanityClause said. Just show an interest in supporting whatever identity she thinks might fit.

Original poster

prettyodd · 08/03/2015 09:06

Thanks for all your replies. My daughter is not sure, that's why I asked the question. If she said she was gay, then that would be fine. I will always love and support her whatever and just want her to be happy. She herself is confused. I shall check out the FFLAG site peruvianfoodlover suggested x thanks

OP posts:

Gunpowder · 08/03/2015 09:23

I think sexuality is a spectrum rather than an either/or. I've got friends who knew they were gay from age 6! Others who weren't sure, ended up as bisexual, or gay, or straight and others who I am sure never entertained being anything other than straight! I think it's fine not to be sure for a long time yet.

AbCdEfGh123 · 08/03/2015 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackieharris · 08/03/2015 09:37

If it was my dd I'd tell her that there's no need to feel that she has to label herself straight, gay, bisexual at such an early stage of puberty.

If she fancies a boy that's fine. If she fancies a girl that's fine. I wouldn't want her pressurised to be put in a box when she is still figuring out her feelings.

For some people sexuality I'd more about the person than the sex of that person. I've known too many people who were with one partner from their teens for a very long time then met someone of the opposite sex later in life to think that sexuality is 100% fixed for everyone from a young age.

OinkBalloon · 08/03/2015 15:12

At 13 I did not have any interest in boys.

Throughout my teens I felt the odd flutter, but could not relate to any of the sexual issues around me.

At 21 I felt painfully different to everyone else because I still did not have any feelings for anyone, and no romantic relationships.

When I realised that heterosexuality was not necessarily the rule, I wondered whether my problem was that I was trying to be what I was not. But even by 21 I still had not discovered what I was sexuality-wise.

Once I realised that I did not have the same feelings as my peers, I would have liked the reassurance NOT that it was OK to be gay, but that it was OK to be different. That I did not have to define my sexuality, but just give myself the time to explore it when I was ready, not when society expected me to be ready.

Do IMO, OP, your dd's sexuality does not matter at all. Having satisfying social relationships is far more important. I think it will help her (and you) to believe that she does not have to concede to social expectations and 'be' something, and that she can address any thoughts of sexuality when she herself is ready.

Original poster

prettyodd · 08/03/2015 15:54

Thanks Oinkballoon for your comments, they make sense to me. And thanks for everyone else's comments. It was so long ago when I was her age, I didn't like the boys much at my school! But I didn't feel attracted to girls either, which she does. So, we shall relax and wait and see, thanks again x

OP posts:

MackerelOfFact · 08/03/2015 16:14

Just reassure her that it's fine to be whatever she is, whatever that happens to be. There is no pressure - ever - to 'decide' what you are. She's still very young and has endless time to experiment and learn about herself. The best thing is just to be open-minded and accepting and not to worry.

Original poster

prettyodd · 08/03/2015 16:17

Thank you.
I'm off now to nag her to tidy her room!

OP posts:

18yearstooold · 08/03/2015 16:29

Dd picked up on a very good saying which I think she stole from Andy Warhol

'Labels are for soup cans, not people'

She doesn't define herself as anything but says she finds personalities attractive and doesn't attach gender to personality (she can be very wise for a 13 year old)

I know she's had close friendships with both boys and girls but she's not been in a relationship, in fact she can be quite scornful of her peers that are as 'how can you declare your love for someone when you don't really know who you are or what that means yet?'

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