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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it wrong to want to know who your dc's friends are - I snooped

15 replies

sillygiraffe · 07/03/2015 19:27

Ok so I knew it was wrong but I snooped. DD15 tells me nothing. Things have been a bit fraught at home lately and a new group of older boys have come on the scene. I know of 2 of them as ds went to school with them but the other I did not know, only his christian name was mentioned and its really easy to find things out these days. I just looked on facebook. So now I know who dd is hanging around with and thats fine. DD found out about it as i opened my big gob and she went ballistic and stormed out of the house.

Am I the only person who has ever done this? Its not as if I have read her diaries. I wouldnt/couldnt read her texts and have no access to her facebook or twitter accounts as she wont accept me as a friend and I dont know her twitter name. Tbh I dont want to know what she puts on there as I probably wouldnt like it.

I just thought what if something happens and I dont even know the names of the people she is out with, especially as they are riding around in cars. She wont tell me so I will find out and that will ease my mind a bit, which it did.

So now she hates me even more and I feel ashamed. How do I make amends?

You dont have to tell me it was wrong, coz I know that. Dont be too hard on me. I did it because I care and worry and want to keep her safe.

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 07/03/2015 19:47

I am definitely not going to say it's wrong. I don't blame you and it's not like she left her facebook account logged in and you read it (although if she had I still wouldn't be blaming you for having a sneaky look).

I would be saying to my DD that if she was more open with you then you wouldn't have to be checking.

The stupid thing was to open your big gob but do not and I say again do not feel ashamed. There is nothing shameful about caring.

chocoluvva · 07/03/2015 20:00

Tell her that you know of someone (me) who googled her 16YO DD's new friend, found his twitter account and read his tweets as well as going on his page. It felt very weird and snooping but otoh - he had chosen to make his twitter account public! FB is only as public if you
want it to be too! He had a car - you bet I wanted to find out about him.

FWIW - DD brought him home a couple of times, I thought he was lovely then a few weeks later she fell out with him and blocked him from her phone, instagram and fb and I've never set eyes on him again.

Does your DD know the car statistics for young drivers? - IIRC 20% of young drivers are involved in an accident within the first six months of passing their test. Biggest factor in accidents is having passengers in the back. Sorry I don't mean to be alarmist but there's potentially a world of difference between going in people's cars and having the odd illicit drink or smoke.

circular · 07/03/2015 21:57

I don't see anything wrong with it at all. Also Google new friends and check public and friend of friend stuff on FB. Totally different to hacking into their accounts. Potential employers do it too.
The car statistics are terrifying, lucky here that most of 17yo DDs friends not interested, or not bothering to get cars. Looking like she will be one of the first to get on the road if she passes soon.
Chocoluvva funny, DD also cooled off towards her boyfriend once she knew how lovely we thought he was. Almost as if they want yo to disapprove lol.

Original poster
sillygiraffe · 08/03/2015 10:46

Had a bit of a conversation by text with dd last night where I apologised and explained why I snooped. She thinks I dont trust her etc but has calmed down. Perhaps this is the way to go - text conversations - as face to face discussions just dont work out as she wont listen and gets annoyed too easily.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 08/03/2015 11:41

Yup. You don't trust her.
But this is because she is being secretive and not open with you.

If she isn't happy for you to know a bit about her friends, then what is she trying to hide about them?

greenfolder · 08/03/2015 11:48

DD( screaming ) WHY DONT YOU TRUST ME?

me- because you are untrustworthy.

DD- I HATE YOU

Now,my dd at 15 was inherently untrustworthy. you name it, she did it and lied to my face about it. i had no problem at all looking at facebook, twitter and happily texted her friends to find out where she was.

i stopped the day she left school.

Original poster
sillygiraffe · 08/03/2015 11:57

Yes I suppose I dont trust her. She wont tell me things in case I dont approve. I suspect this latest friend she has is older than she says and she doesnt want me to know in case I go mad.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 08/03/2015 12:15

I think you are doing the right thing. I don't understand why you apologised. She is 15, she is your responsibility, and as she isn't open with you about friends, you need to establish who she is hanging out with. Perfectly reasonable. My dds are much younger, but my friends with teens all keep an eye on their friends and snoop if needs be.

chocoluvva · 08/03/2015 13:04

It's so hard for her to understand though. Very difficult. She presumably either thinks she is safe or is willing to risk her safety (for whatever reason)- if the latter then she can't possibly tell you that as you'd obviously worry.

She wants to be the one to decide.... so difficult.

I remember being offended when my DM questioned my judgement. I suppose you have to try to give her the impression that you do trust her but that remind her that it's your responsibility as her parent to make doubly sure that she is safe/remind her/check up etc. It's not her, it's your job. IYSWIM

Claybury · 08/03/2015 13:51

I would do what you did.
I have often looked up my DC's friends on facebook. I think it's hilarious they think it is 'snooping' and in any way wrong. Anyone who puts stuff online that is so easy for me to see should realise that it's public information.

chocoluvva · 08/03/2015 14:23

That's what I think too - but they absolutely hate you looking. It beats me why they're not more careful about their privacy settings.

Mrsjayy · 10/03/2015 08:54

Imo it is our job to make sure they are safe if they are acting cagey or a bit shady then I was on them Llike a ninja Grin when Dd 1 it was bebo and Msn and I did snoop and ccheck up on it and I found out some things she needed help with and protecting from. I don't see it as an abuse of trust I see It as a part of parenting these days I also checked d2. Fb and Twitter regularly op your dd will come round I used to lie sometimes and say it's other people I don't trust

gymboywalton · 10/03/2015 08:59

she wouldn't be allowed to have facebook and twitter without me being a friend and having the passwords.
that is the condition i put on my 15 year old son and i reserve the right to check it whenever i want-including messages.

it is our job to keep them safe.

chocoluvva · 10/03/2015 11:25

Just a word of caution though gymboy - it's possible that your DS has accounts you don't know about.
Also there's whatsapp for group chats. At least they are more private than twitter and fb - although you can make your twitter private. (and screen shots of texts and instagram pics regularly appear on twitter).

Mrsjayy · 10/03/2015 12:16

Yea I tried that with dd1 she just had secret accounts we all are socialilising on the internet I wouldn't ban them just make them aware I can and did look at their stuff if I wanted

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