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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

At the end of my tether with DS1 (16) and his lying....

29 replies

velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 16:49

Just posted in chat, but thought Id post here instead in hope of further replies!

Feeling really, really fed up with him, and disappointed in him.

He is in Yr 12 at school. Had a rocky start, it's a new school and much more academic than his previous one, but also a much better school all round. School were very supportive, and I thought he'd turned it around.

He did ok in his January mocks, got BCD which was better than he'd been predicted. His B wasn't technically a mock but goes towards his final mark, so we were really pleased with that. Teachers were happy enough with his grades but thought he might do better and push his D up to a C in the next set of mocks this week.

So, this week he's been telling me about his mocks, how he did. Other stuff about school. And it's all lies. I've had the school call me at work (interrupting a meeting I was) to say he's not been in (well, he's been in school but not in most lessons, and none of his mocks).

I am livid. I called DS1 who firstly lied and said he'd only missed one. He then later admitted it was all of them, and that he'd missed classes too.

I've said he loses his Xbox for a week and his phone while he's in the house.

I'm so cross with him. He's got such a good chance to do well at this school and go to uni and he's messing it up because he's lazy and thinks he can just skip exams and get away wth it (I said all this to him. He had nothing to say in response, which annoyed me further).

Have I gone far enough with his punshiment? I find this stuff really hard to gauge...I'm a single parent so find all the dscipline stuff difficult, easier if you have two parents and one can always be the stern disciplinarian...my Ex is useless though so no point in even contacting him to discuss it, he'd just shrug waste of space

OP posts:
Callooh · 06/03/2015 16:52

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DontDrinkandFacebook · 06/03/2015 16:56

Why is he in a new school and how long has he been there?

Georgethesecond · 06/03/2015 17:10

I would not go in too hard until I had talked to him. Why is he doing it? Has he lost confidence? Is he panicking? Does he want to do these exams? Is there another option? I have a sixteen year old DS and this would be massively out of character for him, is it for yours?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 17:13

He has to stay in education until 18, he's only 16. So he can't go and get a job. He could do an apprenticeship (although he wouldn't get anything at this time of year and would have to wait til Sept) but really he's not interested in skilled work. He wants to get a degree. As far as school are concerned that's achieveable if he does the work.

He changed schools after yr 11, as his old school wasn't great, and never sends more than 1 or 2 sixth formers a year to uni. He's been at the new school since September.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 17:16

I did try and talk to him on the phone earlier. He had nothing to say for himself as to why he thought it was ok to lie to me repeatedly.

As to why he missed the exams, he didn't think he'd do very well. So for some reason not bothering at all seemed the better option.

He'll be lucky if the school don't kick him put over this. And then he'll have no chance of uni because no other school will take him Sad

OP posts:
BabyGanoush · 06/03/2015 17:18

I would want to get to the bottom of "why", does he lie about other things too or just this?

Not sure it is about disciplinarian action

Georgethesecond · 06/03/2015 17:20

Can you start again when you see him? Try not to be angry but ask him what is going on, why he did it, what he wants to do? I just wonder whether he panicked about it all, they do tend to at this age.

eyebags63 · 06/03/2015 17:20

he didn't think he'd do very well. So for some reason not bothering at all seemed the better option.
Anxiety and lack of self-confidence?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 17:29

I'll try and talk to him when I get home, but I expect I'll just get silence as a response or I don't know.

He's lied about going to school before back when he first started but the teachers spoke to him and sorted it out. It was made very clear he needed to speak to them if he was behind or struggling. And he just hasn't bothered and lied. Again.

OP posts:
DontDrinkandFacebook · 06/03/2015 17:32

It's very odd to move a child part way through their GCSE syllabus. Are you sure there was not a bit more to it than just 'his old school was not so great'?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 17:39

He's not moved part of the way through GCSEs, he moved after yr 11, to start 6th form at his current school. That's fairly standard, of his year of 180, about 75% went to other 6th forms or to college.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 06/03/2015 18:09

We've just had a very unproductive discussion.

I'd asked him to write a letter to his academic mentor to explain why he hasn't been at school. He's not done it because he was doing homework. Despite telling me earlier he had no homework. I've had enough.

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 06/03/2015 19:26

Maybe if he won't tell you what is going on in his head, his mentor might be able to get it out of him?

Callooh · 06/03/2015 20:54

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MagersfonteinLugg · 06/03/2015 21:07

Have you actually pointed out to him that if he doesn't do his exams then he won't be going to uni?
Tell him he'll end up working in a chicken factory if he doesn't get his act together. Taking his x box off him is not the answer.... this is his whole future he's going to mess up. You need to make him aware of this.
Ask him if he really does want to get a decent degree or not.

JugglingChaotically · 07/03/2015 06:45

Fear of failure?
So if I don't do the homework or don't sit the exam then I can't get bad marks
If I skip school and don't sit then I don't get bad marks because I am thick or not upto it, just because I wasn't at school enough or in the exam?
My comments on that is if you don't try you will likely fail
If you don't sit, you will def fail
And we don't expect straight As - just that you do your best
And finally - the only person you let down by this is you
Hard though

JugglingChaotically · 07/03/2015 06:47

I too though chicken factory type examples in.
But then try and end with : what are YOU going to do to turn this round.
We will all support, offer suggestions but ultimately it's your life and it's upto YOU.

JugglingChaotically · 07/03/2015 06:48

Oops. Throw in not though

Quiero · 07/03/2015 06:57

He's obviously not happy/not coping. If you want to punish him make sure he knows you are punishing the lies not the school stuff. A-Levels aren't for everyone, they're a big jump up from GCSE's and many students struggle with them. Even academic students.

In terms of other options. There are apprenticeships available now and it is also the best time to start looking for options for September. Even if he completes this year, will he want to continue? Would he be suited to a more vocational course at a college? This is something else you should look into for Sept. He can still go to Uni (if that's what he wants) he might just need to take a different route.

Springcleanish · 07/03/2015 07:05

He's obviously a reasonably intelligent young man, he knows he is throwing his education away without you keep telling him too. Kids don't just miss exams because they can't be bothered, they miss exams because they can't cop with the pressure, they are scared of failure and it's consequences, it puts them in charge, "I failed because I chose not to go" rather than a teacher telling them they have failed the exam, even when they might have done their best.
It's simply his flight or fight mechanism kicking in, and the same is happening when you keep asking does he know why he did it. Of course he does, but he doesn't have to share that, and why would he share such personal, sensitive information with someone who is clearly angry at him.
He's obviously not ready to talk, give him time and space. Book a time you can sit and chat, maybe outside the house, go for lunch or a coffee or a walk on Sunday, tell him the event is happening, but don't force him to talk about the issue. He will know this slot is there to talk if he is ready.
Perhaps ALevels are just the wrong route to Uni for him, perhaps he would be happier with a BTEC, a more vocational route, and wants to start year 12 again. Sixth forms and colleges will take him if he drops out, they accept people make the wrong decisions and need to move on, and they want his funding.
You might find that something completely different is the cause of his upset, friends, girls, all these things play a massively influential role in a sixteen year olds head.
Be patient, calm and caring, he's a child who has made a mistake and knows it, he needs time to come to terms with that, as you would.

JugglingChaotically · 07/03/2015 07:28

Give him a change.
My view with DCs is sit and do your best.
Results will be fine and if not we'll work through it.
But don't not try - that way you fail for sure and will never know what might have been
Fear or failure paralyses you in life
And life's too short.
Encourage him to try but make it clear that you will support him whatever.

JugglingChaotically · 07/03/2015 07:33

Too many typos in haste. Sorry.
That should have been
Give him a chanCe
And fear OF failure
A levels are a huge jump. Too soon to bail, time for a deep breath and to jump in.

hesterton · 07/03/2015 07:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 07/03/2015 08:37

He's not moved part of the way through GCSEs, he moved after yr 11, to start 6th form

Oh I see, sorry I misunderstood. I thought he was in year 11.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 07/03/2015 08:37

My son has just done his mock GCSE's so I saw the word mocks and immediately had GCSEs on the brain!