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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please tell me when they become human again - preferably with a date and time.

51 replies

OccamsLadyshave · 06/03/2015 09:46

It's so that I can set an alarm and emerge from the bunker I'm building under the house.

She went horrible within a week of her 13th birthday. That was 4 months ago. I think I could cope if I knew when it would end.

Alternatively - how much is boarding school?

(I would put lighthearted in the title, only I'm not sure it is!)

OP posts:
Feelinghelpless2 · 13/03/2015 08:16

My DS was lovely until he can't back from uni at 21. I think he's had his independence and now he doesn't want to live within our few rules at home. It's such hard work :(( I hope it'll change again very soon.....

Fleurdelise · 13/03/2015 09:04

Thank you all! I do think we have boundaries, he says I am too strict and treat him like a baby.

He has no phone/technology after 9 pm and can go to bed at 9,30 (Sunday to Thursday) if he does something else than technology related activities in the last half hour. He choses to go to bed at 9 because "what is there to do other than play on the PS or be on the chat with friends?!"

Apparently friends are allowed to go to bed when they wish (!!).

And I am being told constantly that it could be worse, he could be drinking, smoking and so on, and I should lower my expectations.

But I don't want to lower my expectations, I want him to raise to his full ability, is it that bad?

Fleurdelise · 13/03/2015 09:09

Fortunately he is still doing ok at school, choosing his options at the moment, he will still be allowed to take triple science, will do French, Geography so not all doom and gloom. But teachers' feedback is always the same "he could get excellent grades if he pulls himself together but he doesn't seem to want to put any effort". All he achieved is based only on class work, no effort at home, homework lacks effort.

All he says is that I pick on him, he doesn't see that I do it for him, not me.

Sorry for the long posts but I feel down about it all and I have no one to talk to except my DH who is even more disappointed than I am.

unlucky83 · 13/03/2015 09:24

Ha I get the 'this is the worst age to be, parents expect us to behave like adults but we can't because they treat us like children' So...a little experiment
Her laptop switches off at 9pm (on school nights) and she can keep her phone till 10pm. Which we agreed. If I don't wrestle it off her she will still be on it at 3am....
So to 'treat her like an adult' I've not been taking her phone off her this week until I go to bed ...so gone 11pm - last night 11.45pm and she has been struggling to get up in the morning...
Tonight I'm going to drop the bomb shell that she has had the opportunity to behave like an adult and hasn't chosen to take it -so unfortunately I will be taking her phone off her again next week at 10pm...
I foresee all kinds of nonsense that she is only on it so long cos she knows I will take it off her etc etc...but I know she knows that is rubbish...(maybe even be slightly grateful - ha ha ha ...I wish Hmm)
And I do think at 14 they have to start being responsible for themselves ...grow up a little . If he screws it all up it will be him that suffers not you ...you need to make that clear to him...

Fleurdelise · 13/03/2015 09:41

Yes you are right but if he does screw it all up it won't be just him suffering would it? It would be also us as parents having to support with further development to find a path in life when he wakes up from fairyland "I don't care" attitude.

Last night I said to him he can go to sleep later, let's say 10pm on school nights but the technology thing (none after 9 pm) will stay in place. He had the occasion to say "fine I'll do that and for the last hour I can read a book, watch some to with mum and dad" I don't know, anything.

But no, we had the "what else is there to do then?!" So he'd rather turn the lights off at 9 and go to sleep than do something not involving phone/PS.

What did we use to do as teenagers without Internet and mobile phones?!?

I know I sound like an old person saying that but I don't think is that much to ask.

Fleurdelise · 13/03/2015 09:47

I tried to explain him last night that if he doesn't want to see my face again ever all he needs to do is study and get himself independent, go to Uni and get a good enough job to provide for himself and then he can only see me if and when he feels like it.

I offered my support, I have been kind, fierce, shouted, talking calm, I seem to talk to the walls.

Next day I get "can I have a new x or y?"

He is now frustrated that he wants a new skateboard and I said he needs to save for it. Apparently I am mean because I have the money but not getting it.

Fleurdelise · 13/03/2015 09:56

Reading back my posts I realise I sound like I moan about nothing. I know, I really know it would be much worse. He could be depressed, have physical health problems, he could be smoking weed, drinking or even become a teenage father. I know!

But knowing that doesn't help to make me feel better because it could always be worse, couldn't it? But it could also be better...

chocoluvva · 13/03/2015 10:10

Recently I was struck by the phrase 'We all just want the best for our kids'. It had never occurred to me to think how ambitious that is and yet how we feel it goes without saying. We all want them to behave perfectly really, don't we? We fret about their laziness, messiness, rudeness, carelessness, stubbornness...... It's almost as if we feel our love can be measured by the amount of worrying or battling. As if love and acceptance are different things.

Hmm - I'm off to ponder on finding a balance.

As usual. Sigh.

chocoluvva · 13/03/2015 10:11

I have moaned about the tiniest of things on here!

FastForward2 · 13/03/2015 20:10

Fleur youu are not alone www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/25/secrets-of-the-teenage-brain
I spoke to lots of blokes who say they did no work at school and now my son is the same. They need bribery as their brains dont see the logic that ours do. We see - no work - bad grades- no job etc. They dont connect these things. You stand more chance ifyou use short term motivation, commonly known as bribery. Chocolate or money for doing some revision or for getting good grades.

Claybury · 14/03/2015 08:26

Fleur - we found at that age watching a box set of something that appeals to our DC's together in the evening, starting at say 8pm when the youngest was in bed, was a good way to spend an evening. We had to enforce a no gadget rule while watching, but it's a good way to wind down and do something together.
Funny, our generation were often criticised for watching too much tv. Now we encourage concentrating on a show to get away from gadgets. It's really hard for teens to put aside phones etc for the duration of a film.

chocoluvva · 14/03/2015 13:27

That's a great idea - 'Breaking Bad' anyone? 'Scrubs?'

CalicoBlue · 14/03/2015 15:31

Fleur I had exactly the same with my DS. The time from 13 was awful. GCSE's were painful and extremely stressful. It was very hard, but I stopped the shouting and fighting, tried to give him rewards and treats if he did study. Made a point of saying something positive to him each day. Shouting and telling just made him study less.

I ended up getting him a tutor for the three months prior to the exams, just to make sure he got C's with his science's. It is very frustrating when you know with a little effort he could get A's but is just scrapping by with C's.

He ended up with grades just good enough to do his A levels, but had to negotiate with the college on the subjects. He is now much better, my attitude is 'your life so up to you'. He is still getting by with doing the minimum, but has a focus on what he wants to do after A levels. He knows he needs to pass his exams so is sort of working towards them.

All you can do is support and encourage, when he lets you.

butterfly2015 · 14/03/2015 15:46

My funny, sweet, angelic daughter turned into a horrible, rude, sweaty, messy girl the year she went to high school. (In Scotland so aged 12. She was so disrespectful, obnoxious, smelled horrible and just didn't care about anything. We moved when she was 13 and it continued (her bedroom looked like a jumble sale) until last year when she started to care about things again. She no longer needs to be told to shower, her room is still messy but you can see the floor and I have my girl back. Almost. She passed 7 gcses last year and is doing the dreaded a levels now. She's 16.

One thing I did say was I don't care what time she goes to bed, but she is getting up and going to school, tired or not. She learned the hard way but now has the sense to go to bed at a reasonable time. We discuss drinking, boyfriends, her friends and other things I didn't think she would discuss with me. I feel lucky
Dd 2 is 9 and a horror. I'm going to bud a bunker before the hormones start on her.

Catsrus · 14/03/2015 17:56

It does end, really it does! My three are all in their 20's and away at Uni / travelling. Today I got a moon pig Mother's Day card in the post, thanking me for all I do for them and one of dd2s friends arrived with a bottle of my favourite wine which they'd asked her to get for me. . I could tell you some tales about their teens that would make your toes curl. Yes I'm very grey too!

jonicomelately · 14/03/2015 18:01

Occams Where is this bunker of which you speak and is there room in it for me?

Fleurdelise · 14/03/2015 19:44

Is the bunker to lock them in or for ourselves? Grin

As soon as he'll be out of these terrible years (if ever) I have dd only 7 at the moment joining the horrible years. I do hope she learns something from what she is witnessing at the moment though.

Better day yesterday and today, we actually had a cuddle and spent some time watching tv hugging (funny isn't it how we spend their childhood telling them "enough tv" and now we are happy if they are watching some with us). He did joke about it saying this was my whole portion for the year so should not expect it again until 2016.

Today dd asked for a kinder egg for herself and one for her brother. I said something in the region of "not sure he still wants a kinder egg" to which he replied "but I do, I am still a child you know". This made me think how hard it must be to feel like a child but also like an adult, to want adult stuff but secretly want a kinder egg...

Thank you all for holding my hand! Much appreciated, it feels so good to know that I am not alone.

I will stop looking at the bigger picture and concentrate on small bits, small progress with small rewards (bribery Grin ).

CalicoBlue · 14/03/2015 21:22

DH has some of his mates round tonight. I know all they want to do is drink beer, but I set the kitchen table with crisps, home made brownies, chocolate rice crispies cakes and cocktail sausages - I got a thank you. At 17 he is getting there.

Lifecanonlygetbetter · 21/03/2015 17:47

Our daughter will be 16 next month and has been difficult since she was born and horrible since she was ten. She has ADHD and self harms. We have had the police round to the house after she has attacked us, CAMHS involved (totally useless) and I have no idea what will happen after August when it is very likely that she will not get into 6th form. We have tried everything.
I feel that she has destroyed my happiness, her older brother has been badly affected by her behaviour as he has seen her trying to seriously hurt me , to the extent that he was too depressed to go to uni last year. All I want is for her to leave home. I know that this sounds appalling, but there is nothing we can say or do to change her.

shadypines · 23/03/2015 14:25

OP I'm suffering with you, DS1 15yrs and DD2 13yrs.

I'm coming in the bunker with you or I want the gin on tap, forget a bottle FFS!!!

unlucky83 · 23/03/2015 17:45

My DD1 (14) as I said up thread recently diagnosed with ADHD. At the moment we are trying to manage without her taking medication...
Yesterday Blush I would quite happily given her anything - never mind ritalin - valium/sleeping tablets/you name it ....at one point I came close to begging her to go back to her room Blush
She didn't want to go or do anything. Instead of her normal sitting in her room glued to her laptop she decided to grace the rest of the family with her presence...she spent the day at the kitchen table ...glued to her laptop. Completely and utterly under my feet (trying to do 6 loads of washing and we don't have an Utility) eg deciding to make garlic bread when I was in the middle of sorting the piles...when I told her to wait she tried to carry on.... refusing to help, making mess and then a drama at being asked to tidy up after herself. Refused to move the stuff she spread around the table so that we could eat dinner... everything a battle - exhausting and fucking infuriating.
And periodically she would start shouting at some comment on some website/youtube vlog... Hmm or just jump up and start bouncing around for no apparent reason...just being sooooooooo LOUD.......and soooooo bouncy ....and then occasionally teasing her little sister ....all the time complaining she is sooooooooo BORED.....
Well do something then... help with the washing....tidy your room...meet up with friends, run around the garden, read a book ...actually do some homework maybe?
Thank God for school today ....

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 23/03/2015 23:55

It took from 12 to about 16.5 for us. She tried her very best to destroy our marriage, went weeks without washing, all sorts. BUT: during that period she also comforted her dying grandmother, ironed to military standards, very nearly learned to fly, developed delicious recipes and was unfailingly kind to her younger cousins.

Now (19) she's hilarious, kind and having lost 8 stone in weight is absolutely joyous.

mumeeee · 24/03/2015 19:24

DD2 didn't start getting normal again until she went to uni at nearly 19. Mind you she didn't really start having teenage strops until 15 and was worse from 17. She was worse one.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 24/03/2015 19:25

17.5 she is really luffly now (19)

operaha · 24/03/2015 19:48

somewhere down thread I said how lovely ds 15 still is.
just reminding myself after tonight's pathetic episode Angry Envy Grin ffs I'm sure they'd be so much happier if they just chilled the fuck out totally know they're messaging each other about what a bitch I am and how I should do the same