Kind of groomed?

[siotra1234]

I'm new here, and need some advice, I'm a single parent to one daughter age 16.

Last week dd had a male friend (of the same age she's known for several years as part of her friendship group) over for a few hours while I was out with friends.

It's not often she has friends over, and usually there's 2 or 3, but she did text and ask beforehand and I agreed.

I know she likes him as a friend, but I kind of had suspicions that they were alone as usually they are part of a group and it looked like my bed sheets had been messed up.

We had a chat and I asked her seriously if she had anything to tell me, so she said she likes him and he put his arm around her as they were watching a movie.

So today I checked her messages, which I do every few months despite knowing it could break down our trust and is an invasion of her privacy, I just want to keep her safe and know she is not making inappropriate decisions when so young and have usually let things go as youthful exuberance, posturing, banter etc.

Anyway reading the thread of messages they had started messaging furiously after they had kissed after a party (all quite innocent and a typical teenage experience) since then the boy has been making some quite leading discussions over want he wants to do to her.

So she says stuff like being shy and not wanting to be seen as promiscuous, she likes him and maybe they could start dating etc.

As the chat goes on it's clear he is suggesting 'friends with benefits' and doesn't like romance and 'girly namby pamy stuff', 'don't you want a piece of me' etc.

References also to dubious images exchanged on snapchat, whether complicit or not I read that she's looking for a BF rather than something casual.

So the they talk about the time spent alone when I was out, and although seemingly they didn't go all the way it's clear they nearly did, and oral sex took place, and they are trying to arrange empty house time to go further next time.

TBh i'm f**king livid and want to strangle him and ground dd.

Her 17 year old mate has recently had an abortion and we have had several chats about sex, responsibilities and relationships, are teens so shallow and stupid? She's always been so sensible and diligent.

If I confront her over content of messages the trust is probably gone and she changes passwords, if I talk to her as if I don't know then she will probably lie again, so what should I do?

Your daughter is 16.
She hasn't been groomed by her "friend"
By all means talk to her about safe sex and waiting until she is ready but don't go through her phone.
Don't tell her you've read the messages, she will change her password or delete in future.

That's not grooming.

That is someone of legal age beginning to have a sex life - albeit a casual one, if she so choses.

Sorry Mum.

I can understand your concern, although at 16 she is entitled to a private life and you really shouldn't be checking her phone. They are not doing anything wrong as such, but it does sound as though your daughter might be being put under pressure to do things she is not ready for. And of course there is the risk of unwanted pregnancy and std's.

If I were you I would say to her that you are aware she has been seeing this boy alone (ie not as part of the normal group), and you don't want to pry but you need to make sure she is safe and happy. Talk to her about contraception and also about self-respect and having the courage to say no if necessary.

But really, really stop checking her messages. It will do huge damage to your relationship if she finds out.

Well I hope you have already talked sensibly to your DD about contraception and consent at some point in the past, if not it is probably too late now.

But as for 'grooming', really??? They are consenting adults in the eyes of the law. Not only that but they are of equal age so presumably similarly experienced so I can't see anything morally wrong here either.

You really need to butt out and stop reading her private messages, it is a massive breach of trust and sounds like you have control issues letting go tbh. If you confront her over messages trust is DEFINITELY gone and she will never come to you if she needs to.