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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16yo missing school bus & school.

22 replies

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 13:16

On Wednesday DS1 missed the school bus. The last (and only time) this had happened before, three years ago, I took him in the car and was an hour late to work.

This time I really needed to be at work so couldn't take him. So he didn't go.

Stupidly I thought that would teach him a lesson on leaving the house on time...he's been leaving at the very last minute, despite being up and ready in plenty of time.

Then again, the same thing happened on Friday! I had no idea, as I forgot to take my phone to work, and missed the text from school. If I had known, I could have taken him as I didn't have so much on at work.

I haven't yet contacted the school to give a reason why he wasn't in. If I'm honest will it be an unauthorized absence? The last thing I need is a fine.

DS1 will be accompanied by either DH or I on to the bus for the foreseeable future.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 28/02/2015 13:40

It probably won't be a fine for a couple of days, especially if you explain to the school that you didn't know about the truancy on Friday.

I'd be pretty cross that on Friday he was off school and didn't let you know. Just because you didn't have your phone didn't mean he couldn't email or contact the office. Presumably he has other means of getting in contact with you or DH? I would support the school if they decide to put sanctions in place for truancy as he missed the bus (deliberately?) and then made no effort to contact you as you could possibly rectify the situation.

How far do you live from the school? Could he have walked or taken public transport? You escorting a 16 year old to the bus stop every day would be ridiculous. He needs to get the bus himself or suffer the consequences (a long walk, making you late for work and incurring extra chores to make up for it etc).

Callooh · 28/02/2015 13:43

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Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 14:56

What consequence would other people give? DS really doesn't have anything we could take off him....he asks for nothing. I tend to let consequences be a natural thing, and in this case it will be lower GCSE grades, and me accompanying him to the bus stop.

It totally wouldn't have occurred to DS1 to let me know he wasn't at school, in fact I may well have still been at home when he came back, so presumed I knew, as I didn't leave for work for 20 mins after the bus.

If he really had wanted to go to school he could have asked a grandparent to take him (I would have if I'd known about the Friday) School is 13 miles away, and public transport there is strangely dire, so that would have taken about three hours, but he could have done it on his bike in much less time if he wanted, in fact he would probably have been almost on time!

DS is already staying after school most days to catch up with course work, or practice GCSE papers, as well as working at lunch times, so a detention would be pointless.

So I should be honest with the school? I do have a good relationship with his tutor and head of year.

OP posts:

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/02/2015 15:02

So why on earth doesn't he ride his bike to school if he misses the bus then?

I have a 16 year old and a 17 year old that go to school in a different borough to where we live.

I cannot imagine accompanying them to the train station every morning- I would expect them to work out that if they miss the train they find an altermative route to school- not just stay at home

TantrumsAndBalloons · 28/02/2015 15:03

And sorry but "it wouldn't occur to him" to tell you he isn't at school?

Really?

noblegiraffe · 28/02/2015 15:12

Truancy at my school wouldn't get a detention, it would get a day's internal isolation. Truancy should be treated bloody seriously and I can't imagine being quite so blasé about my DS bunking off.

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 15:47

Please don't think I am being blase, I am actually quite shaken by this. I think DS1 is close refusing to go to school at all.

I'm trying to figure out the best plan of action.

Internal isolation wouldn't be a punishment for DS. He really wouldn't care.

OP posts:

claraschu · 28/02/2015 15:56

I think it is very important to get to the root of the problem, which seems to me to be that he doesn't want to go to school and doesn't see the value of it. Why is he so unhappy in school that he is close to refusing to go?

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 16:10

I honestly don't know claraschu. He seems happy enough at school - much happier than he is at home. He went in to school for three days during half term to catch up with course work.

The best situation here is he genuinely missed the bus on Wednesday both days, just by leaving the house a few minutes late. I can deal with that. He will be taken to the bus stop, put on the bus, and told to buck up his ideas.

The worse case scenario is that he decides it's all pointless, he's going to do badly in his GCSEs anyway, and he will only go to school on days he wants to, or absolutely refuses to go. (He used to school refuse years ago in Primary school, but never has at secondary).

I suspect we're somewhere in the middle.

There are so many possible reasons for ...he wasn't to go to a local school for 6th form, DH and I would prefer him to stay at the school he's at because their pastoral care is much better, but we've supported his application to the local school, and if he really wants to go there then it's up to him - he doesn't need to make a big point by missing the bus. But I'm just guessing, and DS won't/can't talk about it.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 28/02/2015 16:14

Id be telling him if he cant get himself to the bus stop and onto the school bus in time, that for a whole week id be walking him there myself and sitting next to him on the bus the whole way there. Try and shame him into sorting himself out.

noblegiraffe · 28/02/2015 16:16

How badly is he going to do in his GCSEs? Spending lunchtimes and after school working every day sounds quite stressful, especially if he can't see the point. A lot of my Y11s are getting stressed at the moment as the exams loom closer and a countdown has started.

If you think he has deliberately avoided school or may start, then I would definitely contact the school and ask for someone to talk to him about it if he won't talk to you.

ragged · 28/02/2015 16:18

Be honest with the school. I take away iPad or computer keyboard if DS skips school.

There is a MN thread going for school refusers & truants (technically school refusal = an anxiety condition). Kids who skip school because they're gits = truants.
It takes a lot worse than 2 days for anyone to kick off the paperwork to getting you fined, especially this close to end of yr11 (he is in yr11?)

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 16:36

If he actually finishes his coursework he should do OK in his GCSE. He was predicted B's in everything - his mocks ranged from A's to unclassified (in a subject he is capable of getting an A). I have no idea why he got so behind on his coursework, as it's all done in lesson time, but he says it's his fault that he just didn't work during lessons.

Also he does no homework at home. None whatsoever at all. So I don't think he is over worked. I can't tell whether he is secretly very stressed, or not at all stressed and really doesn't care.

I have already mentioned to school I think he may start to refuse if the pressure gets too much.

I'm wondering if it's a pushing the boundaries thing....to see how far he can push us before we react and parent him more firmly. He's always been a boundaries pusher, IYKWIM.

To be honest, the way I reacted on Wednesday was very out of character for me, and DH also didn't say much to DS about it. I think I messed up there, and it's confused DS.

OP posts:

Callooh · 28/02/2015 17:10

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curlyhair500 · 28/02/2015 17:16

I'm really too soft but I give dd a lift to school as I dont want her to get into trouble as she's about to do her GCSE's as well. She does no homework at home either but if yours is anything like our school then all they are doing now in lessons is revision. I am trying not to worry too much about it!

ragged · 28/02/2015 17:24

Why is he missing the bus, could you drive him to the bus stop? We drive DS to train when we feel we have to (sigh).

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 18:27

On the face of it he's missing the bus because he's leaving the house too late.....he goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth and have a massive poo at the last minute, which he could have done a few minutes earlier. He's been cutting it fine since September...apparently DS2 has been asking the bus driver to wait some days, but the bus driver obviously can't wait too long.

DS2 quite often gets a lift to the bus stop with DH who is leaving for work at the same time, but DS1 always declines. The lift won't be optional from now on.

OP posts:

ragged · 28/02/2015 18:43

mandatory lift sounds very good

Original poster

ChocolateFace · 28/02/2015 19:21

So, you're all sure it won't be a fine? I do want to be honest with the school.

OP posts:

ragged · 28/02/2015 19:39

We can't promise what your LEA will do.
My LEA policy is not to find unless attendance drops below 85% in a single half term (that's 4.5 days unauthorised) and even then there's a lot of discretion.

Callooh · 28/02/2015 19:58

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ragged · 28/02/2015 20:09

ime, the support school offers will be non-existent. But be honest with them and keep trying to get him to talk about what would make him feel better about going to school.

Lift in morning for sure.

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