Resent and hate my son

[jibberjabber55]

Hi- I'm using this as a bit of a sound off and expect to be pariahed for it but here goes....
I was with my partner for 9 years and his relationship with my kids was always a bit stand offish. He was always the one who cooked and laid down the discipline to them- I thought he was being unreasonable on many occasions and we'd often argue about it. In the end it was easier to go along with his opinions- anything for a quiet life. The kids would spend all their time in their rooms on xbox/ PC/ watching tv etc, so we've not spent loads of time together as a family in the past several years. The kids are now 18 and 16. My partner and my 16yr old would clash daily over sons attitude (churlish teenager) and xbox tantrums. Our relationship had become distant (no sex or touching for months) It came to a head last october when my mum passed away. Son stayed with his GD the night it happened so my dad wasn't alone. Next night son and partner clashed over xbox again and I exploded. It all seemed so immaterial to fall out over, but the upshot was that partner moved out but stayed local- the idea was we would rebuild our relationship without the pressure from the kids.
Now, 4 months on I'm more distant than ever from my partner and my son hates me as we are 'living in poverty' and its all my fault for ending my relationship. Me and my sons are like ships passing in the night and I feel like I don't have a meaningful relationship with them. I am paying for everything myself with large mortgage credit card debts etc.I don't want money off my ex as I can just about afford everything but there's not wads of cash to give to my son (who now has a gf to impress and wants new labelled clothes and money to go out with every week). I am at the point that I hate my 16yr old and can't wait for him to leave home (hopefully to Uni). A row over something petty ended up in a screaming match with me telling him to get out of the house. I feel like I'm alone, stressed and have totally failed as a parent. I have a new stressful job and a freezing cold money pit of a house and its all becoming really hard to handle. I could probably get back with my ex if I put some effort in but I haven't missed having him around as I think we have just grown too far apart. I don't want to compromise my integrity or lie to him for the sake of being comfortable financially but in a passionless relationship. I still care very much about him but not as a life partner any more. I'm approaching 50, I'm fat and can see myself having no relationship with my sons, being surrounded by cats and dying alone. I know I'm being overdramatic but I feel like the pit I'm currently in has a way to go before it reaches the bottom.

I've read your post twice. Why is it you hate and resent your son? You don't really say.

Well firstly a lot of this is relatively "normal" for teenagers. If he wants the latest gear and you can't afford it he needs to get off his bum and get a job. If he can spend hours playing xbox he can do something more productive instead.

If you genuinely feel he is spending too much time on the xbox you can always regain control by changing the wifi password and making him earn it back by improving his behaviour. (Saying that however I'm a bit laid back when it comes to screen time and would probably just let him get on with it as long as he was polite to me - that would be the only thing I would insist on otherwise I would come down like a ton of bricks).

I'm sorry the relationship with your ex ended. It doesn't sound very good though from what you say so I could cut your losses and go forwards. What can you do to make things better for you? New job? Meet new people? 50 isn't old in the grand scheme of life anymore.

Ah, I understand how you feel. My DS1 is 17. I'm a lone parent and the last couple of years have been pretty horrendous. Hurry up september so he toddles off to university

I have clamped down hard on the disrespectful behaviour though by sitting him down, when calm, and telling him that the rules I expect to be followed are:

You will speak to me with respect
You will treat my home with respect
You will abide by your curfew and if not you will text me and let me know when I can expect you home

There's a few other bits as well such as clearing up himself in the kitchen and bathroom and keeping his laundry "up-to-date".

These are the rules. If he cannot and will not follow them that's fine, I will help him find somewhere else to live, he can go and stay with his dad or we can look at other options, but I will not be disrespected in my own home by ANYONE, let alone a member of my family.

Since then things have been much better (it's been about 8 months since I really lost my shit), he does have the odd lapse in the kitchen/bathroom/laundry areas and he has been rude about twice - at which point I merely arched an eyebrow and he backed down immediately and apologised.

Make it clear - and mean it - that you love him and want him to live with you but there is no alternative for him other than to behave in a decent manner to you.

I would totally, totally let the x-box shite fly. I rarely spent time with my parents as a teenager, although we didn;t have computers and stuff I was always out or in my bedroom mooning about, reading or out working.

Decide what is most important to you, make the rules, stick by them.

justmuddling- I hate and resent him because I his relationship with his SD was untenable and affecting us all- we were all so stressed it caused so many arguments and atmospheres in the house. But now its his relationship with me and his brother that's untenable and I'm really at the end of my tether with him. He walks round the house not speaking to anyone with headphones in his ears, I get monosyllabillic grunts for answers if I get one at all as he's so busy on his iphone talking to friends and gf. His brother dislikes his attitude and so doesn't speak to him. He blames me for him not having enough money all the time and wants his SD to come back just for his money! His gf and I got off to a bad start when she told me at a family party (first time I'd met her) that son had told her it was ok for her to stay over- wtf! This after they'd spent the whole evening away from the other guests at the party (all family) in the front room with the door closed. Now he goes to her house and I haven't seen her since. Her mum seems to have different standards than me so I worry about teen pregnancy as her older sister is a single mum. She lives in a really rough poor area in a council house and I worry about her life aspirations and how they are being projected to my son. He is doing no revision for his GCSES and flatly refuses to as he is revising at school. All this does not a happy mother make. I feel like I've tried to do whats best and had it thrown back in my face, and I'm the one thats left alone to cope.

Fairylea- the xbox has been removed. He would come home from school and go straight on it (SD used to hide controllers until a certain time of day then let him have them but was so inconsistent and would arbitrarily decide son was banned for days unreasonably so I would side with son against SD). I wanted son to manage his time himself to learn self discipline. However the shouting and swearing got so much one day I turned off the internet to disrupt his play. He threw his ipod against the wall and smashed his mirror wardrobe door. It was his birthday the week after this and with his birthday money he went and bought a new xbox- he'd missed the point somewhat. This too was removed. I worried that he never went out and socialised - be careful what you wish for I almost look back fondly on those days as now I'm stressed about the time spent messaging friends and ignoring his family, out wandering the streets with friends and gf and getting home at a reasonable hour from gfs who is a long bus ride away in a really rough area.

You say that you thought your ex was unreasonable in his dealings with the DC at the start but you let him get on with it for an easy life. Your son must feel badly let down by that. You prioritised your relationship with your ex more than your relationship with your DC.

You handed your DS's discipline over to your ExP, often feeling that it was unfair. While a lot of your DS's behaviour sounds common for a 16yo, I think because you never backed him up in the past for a quiet life, he is now not respectful of you. You kind of sound like you are blaming your son's behaviour on your stress, financial situation and the end of your relationship. That blaming and telling him to get out is why he is spending his time elsewhere IMO.

We are a stable home with no step parent issues but I would say a lot of the teen boy behaviour you describe is just normal. You may think you've a caused it by your circumstances but adolescent boys tend to withdraw in this way. (I have a 17 yo )
'Mono syllabic grunts ' - normal !!!

Most of the stuff you're talking about is normal teenage behaviour - being on the phone, grunting, distancing himself at family gatherings. You will have to accept that I'm afraid. It's difficult but very common.

It reads a little bit as though you are focussing on the wrong things - the x-box, him talking on his phone etc. He is growing up and away from you, this is natural and right - what isn;t natural or right is that he smashed up the wardrobe - his birthday money would have gone on that in my house.

I think you need to give a bit at this age, so forget the petty stuff and get the disrespectful language and behaviour sorted. As for his G.C.S.E's? If he doesn;t study he will fail them and have to do re-takes. Is there a particular career path he's interested in following? I would stress that he won't be able to go to university or even to college to sit A's if he crashes out of his GCSE's.

I do sympathise, it was very difficult when my DS decided to go to college and sit a BTEC course rather than A's. Ultimately this has narrowed his Uni choices down massively (as I warned him at the time!), but he knows that now and has learned a lesson about choosing the funner option over the more sensible one.

Coming home and going straight on the xbox is normal. Going out with friends all the time and messaging them non stop is normal. Most of this is normal teen behaviour.

His rudeness isn't acceptable. But I do wonder if maybe an olive branch might be a good idea.... You're going to hate me for this but I think you have to let go of this dislike of girlfriend mainly because of her background. Living in a rough area in a council house doesn't mean she isn't good enough for your son. It's more about the person she is. If you know you bought your son up well and he seems happy with her I'd give him and her the benefit of the doubt. It's a bit snobby otherwise. Could you invite her round? Get to know her? I'm not even sure that's possible with how bad things sound but it's something to work towards.

I think he is also going on about sd coming back because he feels it's not a decision that's been made. You need to decide what you're doing and if the relationship is over then you need to make this clear. Your son is picking up on your indecision and pushing your buttons perhaps because he feels everything is quite unstable.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but he should have had to use the birthday money to replace the broken items. Has he replaced these yet? Deduct the costs from any money he is given.

Thanks all for your advice and reassurance.
Fairylea I know you are right in what you're saying but atm I'm so upset and disappointed I don't want to have the gf round here in case I make things even worse. The sd situation hasn't been resolved and I feel guilty about this because I know he wants to come back but I don't think I want him back. It just seems such a shame after 9 years that the whole thing has gone down the pan without much of a fight to save it- more guilt. I will try to let things settle and make a decision, even if that means selling the money pit for a cheaper smaller house. At least that would resolve the financial situation.

You feel like you hate your a because you are emotionally frazzled and your feeling stressed and low by the sounds of it.
Your s is being a normal teen. They are egotistical at that age. They feel hatred towards their parents because that's what their brain makes them feel. It does it to make them seperate from parents to become an adult and independant. Some get it more than others and the feelings are out of control.
Try to ignore your sons attitude. Try not to take it personally.
Perhaps suggest helping him look for a little weekend job to give him extra money.
But you need some time for you. If you can afford it perhaps ask a friend to go to the cinema or for food or a coffee. You need time to relax away from everything that's pulling you down
Btw your son will come out the other end and you'll get him back. He sounds amazing because he stayed with his grandad at such a sad and emotionally difficult time. Your ex sounded like he talked to him like he was himself a stroppy teen.