eating disorder

[weegiemum]

After suspecting a problem for a while, our dd1's psychologist (she has been seeing camhs due to self-harm) has told us she's most likely suffering from anorexia nervosa. theres a psychiatrist appt tomorrow.

I'm utterly terrified for her. Does anyone have expereience of this?

its totally typical - high achieving middle class family, sensitive artsy 15 year old. I'm significantly overweight and I know at least some of this is her trying not to be me. things havent been easy at home over the last while as I'm disabled. She's been having friendship issues at school but has a lovely boyfriend. The self-harm has been going on since last summer. She's been weighed at her psychology sessions after admitting not eating and making herself vomit and she's tipped over into 'underweight' now - she's very tall (5'9") but i just checked and the jeans she bought recently are a size 6.

My gorgeous, graceful, talented, artistic, lovely baby is starving herself, and i can't stop it. i know i need to be strong for her but i've cried all morning. No-one tells you about this when they're born.

Any advice, please?

Aw, weegiemum, I am so sorry to see it's you posting ((big hug))

I am literally on my way out the door to work but will post a bit more later.

You know AN is not about 'food' but about control/powerlessness, fear and insecurity.
If you DD has only just tipped in to the underweight category, then she is not at risk wrt her physical health just now and I would not make food/eating an issue AT ALL, but work with Camhs/psych on her mental/emotional well-being and hopefully with time food/eating will become less of an issue.

Sorry to have to run

So sorry . There is a thread in Eating Disorders topic (and possibly more if you scroll through) where you may find support, advice and comfort...here

weegie, I only remember your DD from ?how many years ago - as much younger child anyway.

I think being a teenager is really, really hard for a lot of kids and she is certainly not alone in having problems with that.
Please don't get ahead of yourself - await tomorrow's appointment and see what emerges.
Give her space. Allow her to make choices - wrt her eating AND other aspects of her life. The more you might be tempted to 'push' her to eat the more she is likely to react against that pressure. She is not dangerously underweight, so actual oral intake does not need to be an issue just now.

Concentrate on accessing therapy for her.
The Dear Green Place has specialist units for young people with disordered eating - I am sure CAMHS will keep you right wrt info.

I am sure your DD knows she is loved (it was v obvious to me and it shines from your OP), but she may not love herself v much - apologies if I am overreaching or getting it completely wrong.
Are there things she's good at and she knows she's good at that she can do more of? Anything to boost her self-esteem and self-'love' as that might help her to look after herself.

Some people mange to think of food as 'fuel', so they remain able to eat even though they don't feel like it or don't want to.

Does she have body image issues? What's her peer group like? Is there a bit of competitive under-eating going on with her friends? Does she access pro-ano websites?? Again, don't push her on any of this but be aware and alert.

Apologies for the fairly random ramblings above.
I hope tomorrow's appointment is a productive one.
This must be horribly hard on you AND your DH. And most of all DD.
Look after yourself too, so you can look after her

It's gone well today.

Last night dd1 ate pasta and garlic bread then some ice cream.

She was weighed today and has a bmi of 18.9, so officially "underweight" and this has triggered an ED team approach.

She'll see her psychologist fortnightly and the psychiatrist fortnightly on alternate weeks. Dietician will be in touch and the psychologist (who we've all got a good relationship with) is organising firstly some joint sessions with dd1 and dh and I, and then possibly family sessions involving ds (13) and dd2 (11) as well.

Everyone has been positively lovely about it. There's not even the tiniest hint of blame in this (though the psychologist did have a couple of unkind words about school). Dd1's psychologist is going to write to my psychiatrist (I've ongoing mh issues, including (over)weight issues, myself) just to keep it all joined up.

PD, thankyou for your lovely words about our family - I'm sure you remember us as my dh got on so well with your mum who reminded him so much of his German granny! I think they spoke a lot about wurst and kartofflen-salad! We are pretty open and we were complimented for this today - many teens with AN are much thinner when diagnosed.

You just never think it'll happen to you, though, do you?

That sounds like a good plan, weegie

Yes, the fact that her problem has been identified 'early' i.e. before she has starved herself half to death, is v v good. Buys you time - time for therapy and to address the issues.

Has your DD said anything about how she feels to be diagnosed with an ED?

Yes, MH issues in teens scare me too - I've got all this kind of worry to come….

Yes, the diagnosis is AN.

Never thought I'd have to say that about my own dd :(

Thinking of you, weegie

sorry to read this weegie, in Edin just now for uni, will talk when home. I used to have AN. xx

A bit confused that they've diagnosed with AN as one of the diagnostic criteria is a BMI of under 17.5. Not that it really matters, tbh, my diagnosis has always been EDNOS and it fucks me off that I've failed at my ED as well as everything else.

Honestly o think you should be grateful they're taking this seriously and giving her the support she needs. It's fantastic that she has this support and that you have it too. Please know that it really isn't your fault at all. It's nobody's fault, it's that she is ill.

I've suffered with EDs for more than 20 years, having long periods of remission and other more acute times. I can't tell you what will help but I can tell you what hasn't helped me, and I hope that you'll take it kindly as a number of things to avoid during your daughter's recovery. I've never had treatment before now, which is why, I expect, the issues have gone on for so long so don't think your daughter will be ill for decades.

Things my parents did/do that don't help:

Make it about food. It's not at all, I still don't know what it is about, but food is the outward focus and not the problem.

Make mealtimes stressful. I am still berated about not eating enough at mealtimes and it makes me very distressed and has a counterproductive result. Many mealtimes in my teens were battlegrounds (I am still accused of using food as a weapon whatever the fuck that means) and I find formal mealtimes distressing to the point I can't eat at all now.

Also try not to snap/have contentious conversations at the table as this contributes to stress and food being linked.

Don't mention to her when she eats a lot/clears her plate as in an ED brain this can equate to losing control/being fat. This makes no sense but I hate it. (As do a lot of my ana buddies)

Never say if she's put weight on. Hideously upsetting.

Whatever you think has caused it - don't mention. It doesn't really matter what the cause is and if you make it in any way about school/you/magazines it undermines her control and exacerbates the issue.

Please don't feel I'm criticising you, I'm not, I'm trying to present how a sufferer feels with well meaning interventions.

Look after yourself and her xx

Hello weegiemum you will get all kinds of advice and feel.like you go to hell and back with your DD over coming months.

DD has an eating disorder, diagnosed over a year ago. It sounds as though there is much more provision and care available to you there, which I am pleased to hear about, as care is very thin on the ground here, especially psychiatrists or psychologists.

I'll second that the Maudsley approach is worth investing time and effort in. Ultimately though, this is not about us. We do need support, but it is our DCs who need the treatment and empowerment to manage their own lives, their food, exercise, sleep and thoughts themselves.

The best we can do is enjoy life, create a happy home and look after ourselves (don't feel bad about losing weight if you want to, just don't talk to your DD about it. It isn't connected to her illness. )

I know it is very hard, even impossible, to create a happy atmosphere when you're worrying about your child being so seriously ill. You can change the worry. Stop blaming yourself; you cannot possibly be to blame.

(I'm also unsure about a AN diagnosis with that BMI - are you perhaps not in the UK?)

I agree with Hermione's advice, as a fellow failure of an ED sufferer (never even been to hospital, how disappointing!).

Another one I'd suggest is no comments about size At All. Not mentioning weight gain is important, but I think equally important is not going on about how thin she is. Because that's a compliment. Even (especially) if you phrase it negatively, ie that you're upset about how thin she is. That is a win, for someone with an ED.

Also, I personally find I eat more when I serve myself. Something about a plate of food being presented to me makes it easier for me to calculate only eating a quarter of it. But if I can serve myself wee helpings multiple times my silly brain thinks I'm not eating as much.

It sounds like you're a wonderful mum and I hope your DD is going to be just fine. Definitely a good thing that you caught it early. Fingers crossed for you!

I'm writing this as someone who suffered both anorexia and bulimia between the ages of 15-18.

For me, it did start with a need to lose weight. It started with gastric flu which made me lose about a stone in a week and upon my return to school, rumours has done round about why I'd be off ( drugs/pregnancy etc). I became isolated from everyone apart from my long term boyfriend, and the pressures of my GCSE's crept in; being told you are 'expected' to achieve certain grades is horrible, especially if you are, as you say your daughter is, a high achiever. Because I couldn't control what was being said about me in the classroom, or the way I was treated, or what I was expected to be, I looked to control what I was eating as it was the only thing I could control. It soon escalated into how low I could get the number on the scale, weighing myself in excess of 50 times a day ( before and after purging), to see what I could achieve, because no one could set the target but myself.

My mum struggled, and blamed herself for being away from home so much ( commuting to work 5 days a week) and me being left to my own devices; it wasn't her fault, and I can assure you that it's not yours. The best way you can help your daughter is to hold her hand, and be supportive of her recovery, but not pander to the ED behaviours. I went through a year of weigh ins, counselling and meal plans before any improvement was seen, which then went tits up when my boyfriend at the time told me that he preferred me being emaciated. I do not blame him for my relapse, because my eating disorder was very tough on him too, so please try to help him understand what she is going through and how to support her properly if you feel that's something you can do.

Limit commenting on food and weight to a minimum, along with clothing and sizes. My Grandmother, though trying to be helpful, would talk about food constantly ( she was overweight and trying to diet) which allowed me to indulge in ED behaviour by spewing information about calories and content. The therapy helped, although I struggled as I felt patronised by my therapist and ganged up on in family therapy, which resulted in me walking out several times, but it was the support of my mum which got me through it. I had a lightbulb moment after collapsing in a supermarket the day after being told that my chance if having children was significantly reduced which made me realise that I needed to get better, for myself, because all I'd ever wanted to do was be a mother.

It was hard, and I've had several blips, but I'm sat cradling 12 week old DD as I type this and it's been worth it. Since having her, I finally love my body, wobbly bits and all. Although I know there will be moment and days where old Ana creeps back in, I am strong enough to know I'm worth more than that. I wish you and your daughter all the best

There's also a fantastic book I'd recommend which covers eating disorders, categorising the characteristics of the sufferer into different animals (dolphin/jellyfish ect) and how you can best help each 'type', but also triggering behaviour to look out for. I can't remember the title but your therapist should know it, I think it's the UK best seller.

I've just come back to this - Oh thankyou so much for your openness. I recognise my dd a lot in what you write about yourself. She's a year away from her N5 (in Scotland, different exams) exams, but is feeling the pressure, especially in her less good subjects (maths!).

She's now seen her psychologist and the psychiatrist again. Her weight has dropped a little but she is in better spirits. She's been signed off PE at school and the doctor has said no athletics club either, which has upset her but as she's admitted to dizzy spells, is best for now.

We're being referred to the ED team for further help (family therapy, dietician etc) and it all seems so slow, but I'm assured that we're actually being seen very rapidly.

I was trying to explain some of the ideas we were having to dd, and I said "if only you could just have a star chart like when you were potty training" and she got excited about that!! So she has a star chart (with glow in the dark stars!) which is a bit silly but at least she is engaging with us.

We need to talk to school (mainly to ask the rather rubbish pastoral care teacher to leave her alone) and to her boyfriend's parents.

Both dh and I are finding it hard - he's a GP and finds it so hard that he can't help, just "make her better", and he's seen some awful cases in his career. I'm plodding on, just trying to be there to listen to her - she likes to climb into bed with me when her dad is on-call and have a good chat. I'm glad she's talking to me about how she feels. She says she knows that she has to eat but feels like she doesn't have to. I'm trying hard to keep good healthy food available to her and not allow her to fill herself up with junk when she feels like it. She's having one decent meal a day I reckon, but nowhere near enough vitamins and calories.

Thankyou all for your experiences, and support. It's nice to have somewhere to "talk" about this.

Thankyou all the rest of you as well.

The diagnosis is AN (her bmi is actually 17.9, I typed it wrong) because she fits all the other criteria so well.

Thanks so much hermione for being up-front about what not to do, that was really helpful. I manage not to talk about food, but dh is struggling not to. At the moment I think it's quite good that he's not here for most mealtimes.

Everything people have said is helpful, I'm having a wee cry because you are all so lovely :(

Things that worked for me was CBT, meeting group (like the AA but for people with ED) and a sense of direction in my life.

The book arrived this afternoon, looks interesting. Dd is in better spirits today. I'm thoroughly exhausted!