Teens at half-term - the 'alternative' thread

[Spocksmum]

Been reading the thread on Chat about Teens at half-term - where they're always out and about and you never see them anymore. But what about those of us who have teens who don't go out and about, don't really have friends, sit at home in front of PCs, complaining of boredom but refusing to do any of the things you suggest they might do - and still seeming reliant on mum to provide and entertain them - even though mum is also working?

I've got two of these - one with AS - but he's actually the one with more initiative who has taken himself off once these hols for a long bike ride. Otherwise, at a loose end and needing me to 'chat' to. His bro. hasn't budged at all from PC - but neither does any social media/social gaming or even texting friends. They'll communicate with each other but a lot of the time this is arguing and fighting and I find it hard to leave the room,as a huge row blows up when I've only been gone minutes.

I was talking with another mum of teens the other day and her DCs are barely in the house or have crowds of friends taking up space. The're messaging each other and playing sports together or going on trips to town, parties and cinema. My DCs do nothing like that ever. DC with AS has no friends at all these days and NT bro. has a couple - one he doesn't really enjoy spending time with and the other who doesn't really meet up outside school.

So reading the thread in Chat made me feel a bit sad really and worried that my teens SHOULD be out and about and barely seeing me - instead of here for the last week, still needing regular contact, support, feeding, organising and fight-sorting. I can't even suggest a family trip out as both or one of them always refuses to go - or we go out and they're moody and horrible the whole time.

Has anyone else got teens like this or are all your DCs barely ever there, these days, dating, socialising and busy?

You are not alone with this! My DD has barely got dressed this week. I managed to get her out one day when she and I had a few hours out. She has friends but no interest in seeing people outside school. She has spent all her time watching films/YouTube. She does have a sleepover thus evening and I'm praying that she doesn't back out at the last minute - I never expects the teen years to be like this ??

My DD has ADHD and anxiety and is one extreme then the other. Over summer she was barely home loads of pushing boundaries and arguments (wanting to stay at parties in the park ,basically just loads of drunk teens till all hours).However her anxiety has been really bad since October time and now she rarely leaves the house. Spends 24/7 on her phone apps ,shes invited to things but says "cba" she will see her friends providing they come here .It makes me sad when they leave in the morning to do something nice and DD won't go. She went to a friends a few weeks ago but called to be collected claiming she felt sick .When I speak to her she just says she hates winter she'll be fine again in spring !
Its really hard as she also won't do anything apart from watch a film with me so she must be bored stiff but claims she's not. She won't think of a hobby either so its a pretty boring time!

Mine are just flakes & go out little on non-school days. WERIDLY, games addict DS has been away all week though (Cadets), back this evening. He's going to go all bouncy little boy happy to see his parents, ime. :) Just for 10 minutes mind before rendezvousing with his Love (desktop PC). We'll barely see him for 36 hours after that.

Teen DD has been welded to her phone, barely out of her onesie, & overly helpful when I need to cajole the younger siblings out the house. Home to herself is bliss (I remember feeling like that, too).

My two, 14 and 16 are both total stay at homes. Both very bright, no learning difficulties or behavioural problems, plenty of friends at school. DD very occasionally socialises with her school friends. DS rarely meets up with or speaks to anyone outside school.

I took them out for two days for a vaguely educational visit to a historic city, museums and galleries etc and to meet up with their grandparents. They went along with this without too much moaning but now we are home again they are back in their bedrooms texting and gaming and doing scant homework/ revision.

I did speak to DDs form tutor about this and she said don't worry, some teenagers are just like this. They are happy at home and with you, and eventually they will grow out of it.

At 16 I was never at home but I did have an all consuming hobby and I was very,very naughty too, lots of drink and boys. So in a way it is good they stay home and I have nothing to worry about.

There are plenty of posters on the other thread who have said theirs are Homebody's. Why start another thread?

Because it's easier to find this thread here than scroll down pages in Chat to find the other discussion. Is that ok?

It seems that whether they are in or out all the time, we will worry about our kids. I cant get DD15 to stay at home but I'm sure that if she wouldnt go out I would be equally as anxious. We cant win either way!

ImBatDog, I didn't read the entire other thread but there seemed to be pages and pages of posts from parents saying they never saw their teens who now had their own more independent lives - and were rarely home and how people were nostalgic for the times when their DCs were younger and at home more.

I guess I started to feel concerned and 'different' that my DCs don't even do social messaging or social gaming or ever see friends outside school or go out alone, whilst so very many of their peers seem to be partying, hanging out with their 'gang' of friends, always on FB/messaging each other etc.

My concerns are things like - will mine ever be 'street wise'? How will they cope at uni? How is it that their friends have dropped away more and more and they don't really have definable 'mates' anymore but also seem years away from dating girls too? How and when will I ever have any time for me at all, (I'm a f/t working single mum) when they still seem to need me so much - not just for the practical things but also for emotional support, conversation, activities etc etc?

Many of their peers have been properly dating for a while now and/or go to mixed gender parties and hang out all the time with mates, go on 'adventures' with friends etc etc. Mine seem v different from many and from what I'd read on that other thread (clearly I didn't read it closely enough) - different from a majority of MNetter's DCs of similar ages too.

Mine are at home as well though our half term is passed. We still feel obliged to take time off with them or they would just stay in their pyjamas all day playing on PC etc. I wish they would meet up with friends etc or even be on-line with friends would be a start :(

I hope they grow out of it but suspect this will be them forever...

My Ds stayed in until he was 17. Never went anywhere and just communicated with friends via the computer. Now however he is older has a job has loads of friends and is really sensible, mature and confident (constantly shocks me). He is going to uni in September. I worried but things have really worked out well touch wood!!!

DS1 came out with us once and had friends over once. The rest of the time he spent in his pyjamas, playing SIMS or watching Netflix.

DS2 came out with us once, went to the corner shop once, and visited his grandparents once. Occasional music practice and a bounce on the trampoline. The rest of the time he spent on Minecraft or reading.

For different reasons, they both find school very stressful and can't manage too much social interaction, so this is what they needed.

If you read through the other thread, a lot of people have said that they used to like going out and doing things with their dc when they were smaller, but now they are teens, they don't want to come out with them which is what is making them wistful.
People have posted about what they've done on one day, but most of us have said that our teens hibernate in their rooms and don't come out, except on that one day that they have described.

Do you think your teens just need 'down time' from people, Spocksmum? I don't have a teen, yet, dd will be 13 next month. She often says that she finds school a real people overload, and I think half term is her chance to recuperate. Feb half term the hibernation tendencies are obviously increased by the fact it's cold out! (Actually, I can sympathise with all of this, and I only have to work with 3 other people, one of whom is DH, and so doesn't really count . . .)

In the longer holidays the first week or so she hides, then gradually emerges. By the end of last summer, she was positively sociable

Takver, I think you're right - for different reasons, both need downtime from people and the over stimulation of school.

However, unlike some teens, mine don't re-emerge into sociable selves in the summer hols. Unless I 'entertain them' - and nowadays this is fiercely fought against by them - refusing to go on walks etc etc - they sit in front of PCs all day long, for 8.5 long weeks, although I do get us away for a one week UK based hol at some point.

Wish they were still young enough to enjoy or even tolerate holiday clubs but no chance these days. I'd even not mind if they were messaging friends but they don't do this at all. So I end up feeling emotionally responsible for them and their well-being, despite myself having to work full-time.

DS with AS has expressed a desire and interest in paid work and found out that 13 yr olds can get jobs at Tescos. I hadn't known this. Not sure if it would be possible really nor if he'd get a job locally for the summer and he's only 13. In a way, it'd be great if both could have part-time paid work across 3 to 4 weeks of the summer - but they're too young I think. Pity they can't go and work on a farm or something for a few hours a day, to at least get them moving around in fresh air!

Not sure how else to get them communicating with the big wide world, getting 'street wise' and leaving the confines of their PC office chairs!

I know how you feel. Two of my teenagers are sociable and out and about. The other two (who fight like crazy) don't leave the house unless it's with me. I can normally tempt them out if some sort of food is involved but then as soon as we're back they're back on screens again. I understand their need to relax and recover but I'm finding it harder to work now than a few years ago. Thought it would get easier!

My DD has friends, but enjoys being at home. She had a friend here on Sunday & Monday. Tuesday we went to town. Wednesday & Thursday - nothing arranged so at home (although she comes out with me to shops or to get some fresh air each day) - she spends her time playing musical instruments, reading, art & craft and messing around on her ipad, although this does include face timing friends. We were away over weekend.

I have one who is never at home, and two who rarely leave the house, so have teenagers on opposite ends of the scale.

I don't worry about it; they'll all be fine in adulthood.