Should i stop her going?

[sickandtiredofitall]

Hi
I don't even know where to begin but I need some advise! my daughter is in year 11 with GCSEs looming.... up to year 10 she was a bright organised girl, predicted Bs and Cs but working hard.

Then we let her join cadets! she loved it and made lots of friends and seemed happy then she changed.... I know she would of changed as she is growing up but it was pretty rapid.

firstly we find out that her friend at cadets is self harming, this is tragic but she was really worrying my DD, sending pics of her cuts and texts that she has taking an overdose, my DD is in bits about it and the school are saying she is quiet and cadets get involved and report that she is low but do nothing about the girl that is at the cause, I pick her up and the cadets are coming out smoking and swearing and alarm bells start ringing with me.

I try to encourage my DD to go out with other friends and be a friend to this girl but not take it all on her shoulders as she has her parents etc.

My DD attitude to everything has changed, she is rude and defiant which she has never been, all she wants to do is talk to all the boys at cadets who are mostly 17 and 18 and her friends.
We have limited the time with her phone etc but nothing works.

We then have mocks which she fails mostly and parents evening where they all tell her she needs to pull it together and want to know what has gone wrong.

I try to help her. I set her a revision timetable and went in her room to try and help her organise and when I do she has nothing... text books missing, no notes to revise from just a total mess!

I think I have to stop cadets until after exams or full stop as she needs to practically start from the start of year 10 as she has nothing but I know think is going to cause conflict and I don't want to stop her working completely.

She said she doesn't want to go to school and when she is there she just thinks of people at cadets all day!

I obv don't know your dd, but my experience of my teens is that I get a much better response if they feel they have some control over the decisions. An outright "You are banned from the one thing you are really enjoying at the moment" is likely to result in a "well sod you then" type response - worst case scenario being 'if I can't go to cadets I'm not going to school'.
However, if you are able to work out some kind of "We'll take you to cadets if you have done x/y/z" arrangement, then it gives her some control over her decisions.

No one really wants to go to school in year 11...

In all seriousness, I don't think that stopping her going is the answer, as a couple of hours a week not doing revision or working is beneficial. I would make sure she does a certain amount of work, and if she does she gets to go that week.

I found the book 'Hold on to Your Kids' by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate extremely helpful. It talks about peer orientation and how this drags our kids away from their families. It gives advice on restoring parent-child attachments so that our children are not left to be brought up by their peers.

Why are YOU setting her a revision timetable? She needs to do that - you telling her isn't helping at her age.

Does she have an idea what she wants to do? That's the way I find useful to motivate teens - you need to find a way to self motivate them iykwim?