time nearly-13 year old spends on phone

[DustyBin321]

I feel I am constantly 'getting it wrong 'with my daughter !(eldest of 3, 13 next month ).
At the moment, she is obsessed with her phone and would spend every spare minute on it if she could. We have now agreed that the phone should stay in the kitchen overnight ,and she usually hands it over no later than 9pm(unwillingly). The trouble is that her friends seem to have unlimited access to theirs - I know because I occasionally check her messages and some have been sent after midnight !She feels that she is missing out and that we are being 'overprotective' . What do other parents do ??Are we being too harsh??
I feel particularly in turmoil because she has recently struck up a friendship with a boy in her class, who she was texting/chatting to on facetime. I turned a blind eye when it carried on until 10pm one evening (she has had a crush on him for ages & was imagining my 13 year old self!) but the next day it started again after school ,break for tea, carrying on ...by 8pm I said that was enough She was bothered because they'd been planning on meeting up next day in town but hadn't had chance to make arrangements. The next evening was a sleepover at a friend's house - 4 girls altogether - and the others were teasing/sending messages to this boy on daughter's phone . Consequently he won't have much to do with her now,even though she's tried explaining what happened and is in turmoil! So am I - it feels like I'm to blame : for not letting her finish chat with the boy the night before & make plans, am I being too controlling & what can I do to help the situation?? My husband thinks I'm being completely bonkers & obsessive . I can't stop thinking about it. Any advice welcome!!

Well my DD is nearly 16 and the amount of time she spends on her phone is ridiculous. I am having issues at the moment as we are taking her phone off her at night now and things are horrendous. My dd tells me that this is what life is like these days. Its all about keeping in touch with everyone constantly and I just dont understand the need to do this. Of course you are going to feel guilty - thats what mothers do - but I am sure that things will calm down and work themselves out. I dont think you are being controlling either. You are just trying to do what you think is best for her. I think you have just got to take a step back and let dd sort it out, which I am sure she will. In a few weeks it will all be forgotten. As for the phone use - I think its a good idea to keep it out of reach overnight. I wish I had done that then I wouldnt be in the situation I am now. Good luck.

Hold your line. I wish I had. DD is still texting with friends or watching TV late at night & I wish we had established a 'phone downstairs after 9pm' rule with her. She still gets up fine in the morning which is why we let things continue, but her sleep patterns are so far from ideal.

Phone off 1 hour before normal lights out time, bare minimum.
(We are actually much more restrictive / discouraging than that.)

DD1 is in Year 8, but a bit younger than your daughter.

All phones stay downstairs overnight. Thankfully she is not too obsessed with it and agrees this is sensible after a "friend" bombarded her with unwanted text messages early in year 7.

She and the boy could have made arrangements to meet perfectly easily if one of them had just made an actual phone call and agreed when and where. It doesn't take all afternoon and evening to do that, so that's a red herring.

And the situation where your daughter's friends were using your daughter's phone to wind the boy up sounds like a classic learning experience for why she should realise that being permanently communicating by phone is not a good idea.

So basically, no, I don't think you are being too harsh and she needs to learn to live in the real world as well as using the phone as a tool rather than a permanent plaything.

Curlyhair500 and ragged, thank you so much for your supportive words. I can't tell you how utterly wretched I've been feeling this week ,waking in the night,worrying that I've messed everything up for my DD with her first (potential) boyfriend ,it's actually made me feel ill !!
Thanks again xx

AChickenCalledKorma,thank you also for your wise words - it really does help to have an objective view. You're right about the learning experience involving her phone/friends/boy - it's just so painful to see her go through it! Thanks for replying xx

Thanks for your reply also,TeenAndTween - good to know that other parents are thinking along the same lines xx