How much freedom do you give your 13 year old?

[Stinkle]

All I ever seem to hear is "god, you're so tight mum" or "so and so is allowed"

So how much freedom do you give your 13 year old?

At the moment DD is allowed, what I think, is a fair amount. She catches the bus into the next town with her friends for the cinema/shopping/whatever.

In the summer she goes off to the park/beach and stuff like that.

Sometimes she goes to friends houses after school, which is fine, she texts me to let me know where she is, but she's supposed to be home by 6 for dinner - unless she's eating at her friends, then I tend to go and pick her up about 7/7:30pm

I bought her a weekly bus ticket this week and she's been here and there with her friends, but I expect her home by 6ish as I really don't want her out too late on her own

However, all her friends do seem to be allowed out a lot later. She had a friend over yesterday afternoon, I ended up feeding her, and it got to about 8pm and I asked what time she was supposed to be home and it was 9pm. I ended up giving her a lift home as it was pissing down with rain/dark and I was a bit worried about her going off on her own

What do yours do?

ds2 was 3 the other week. I'd give him more freedom than he's asked for tbh. He's a sensible boy and I'd happily let him out till 8ish. I know that he wouldn't be hanging around the streets though.

he hasn't done much this half term as he pulled his calf muscle at rugny, so has been on rest since sunday. I does drive me mad that they don't really go out though. we have plenty of parks and green spaces around here but they all tend to just go to each others houses and play on console's.

He is going to the cinema with friends tomorrow. its about half hour walk from our house, so he'll go on his own and come home on his own or with friends.

13 not 3!

Thanks!

She and most of her friends are quite sensible - well, I say sensible, they spend most of their time in each other's houses posting selfies on Facebook but at least they're not hanging round the streets.

I suppose it's this time of year, it's cold, it's dark, there's not a whole load of stuff to do.

I'm happier about it in the summer - they often meet up after dinner and go down to the beach for ice cream or mess about in the park

I give my 13YO DS a fair bit of freedom. He has a cash card which he uses to buy stuff when he's out and about (sweets mostly) and he's allowed to go off swimming/shopping/cinema with friends as long as he agrees a time to be home. This time of year it's about 4 or 5ish, a bit later in the summer though, never later than 7.

My dd has just turned 14 and I have similar rules (or as I prefer to call them) expectations as you!

We live in London and dd has been further afield than a few miles away, but only with a group of friends whose parents I know, and with strict instructions re. trains and buses.

She doesn't stay out late unless she is with us or a friend's parent who is going to be bringing her home. I don't think there is any need for her to stay out later than say 7 or 8 on a school night unless it is for a special occasion.

She babysits her younger brother when dh and I go out locally though. Am quite happy to leave them alone in the house all evening and put themselves to bed, as long as we are going to be home by midnightish. But we have two sets of very good friends who are neighbours and we only do this if we are nearby.

We're somewhat naturally confined to a fairly small area, so DD has freedom within that area - she catches the bus to a different beach, further away to a different town to go bowling and stuff like that.

I think she just wants to be allowed out later - most of her friends are allowed out until 9, whereas I usually do dinner for around 6 and want her home by then, unless she's eating at a friend's house

I'm happy to negotiate, if she's out with a friend and her parents at weekends or during the summer holidays and she wants to go out for ice cream or something like that

I just seem to hear "but so and so is allowed"

There will always be a "so and so" who's allowed to do more, if there isn't then your own DC is probably the one all their peers are citing when pushing their own boundaries!
When negotiating extra freedoms, I tend to tie them to extra responsibilities.
"You can stay out until 7 today, but you need to buy milk and bread on the way home"
"You can get a new XBox game, but you can only play for a maximum of 1 hour a day, once homework is done and your bag is ready for the next day"
I'm a big meanie, but the DCs respect me because they know what I expect from them.

It just got me thinking that I am being "tight".

DD's friend wasn't expected home until 9 and she had to get a bus as she isn't particularly local (it was actually Monday night, not last night, this week has become a bit of a blur with them all trooping in and out).

I just felt really uncomfortable about letting her go alone so gave her a lift.

Her friend's parents are obviously happy with it, and most of her other friends are allowed similar freedoms. Maybe I do need to loosen up a bit

DD is mostly sensible and I trust her, but I dunno

I think even if you're the "meanie" in one area, you'll find you're the one being used as an example of lax parenting in another!

I'm pretty comfortable letting my DD (13) go out and about around town as much as she wants to - which isn't very much, as none of her friends are allowed.

On the other hand, these friends are allowed to stay on instagram until gone midnight even when they are going to school the next day, so I'm "mean and horrible" for either removing phone or turning off internet at 10pm.

That's true.

I am lax parent in other ways

We insist on phones being charged downstairs overnight. I used to turn the wifi off, but forgot about 3G

It's just that my parents were quite strict and I was never allowed to do anything at that age and I hated it. I want to be reasonable with her so wondered what other 13 year olds were up to

DS is very small for his age, so there are limits to what other people will let him do. I'm happy to let him catch buses but he'll often be queried about whether he should be out on his own!
The upside is that he's not needed a photocard yet (as nobody thinks he's over 11).
He has no phone and isn't on social media. He has to ask me before adding friends to XBox chat, and has strict limits on gameplay.
He has little cyber-freedom, and his room is gadget-free, but has a lot of physical freedom. In the holidays I see very little of DS and DD (age 10).they usually return for meals, I trust them to tell me where they're going and when they'll return.
They know if they break that trust they'll lose those privileges.

I think there will always be others who 'are allowed' to do more or who have more etc.,etc.
Your dd has a LOT more freedom than any of mine have had (my youngest is 13 now). If she wants to go somewhere I tend to take her. Mostly though, she goes to organised things - for example, she was on a football camp one day this week, or she goes on Scout camps or activities, she doesn't tend to wander about on her own. She quite likes walking up to the local high street and mooching in a couple of shops, or will occasionally arrange to go swimming with her sister or a friend.

I generally seem to be on the 'lax' / 'laid back' side of parenting on MN threads, and it's not that I've ever said she can't get on a bus or go to the park, it's just she doesn't ever ask.

Apparently ALL of DS2's friends were allowed to go to large city (20 miles away) on Wednesday. He wasn't as I don't trust them not to leave him there and him to get himself home again.

He is allowed to go into our city centre. The time he must be back depends on the time of year TBH. I don't want him wandering the streets in the dark.

Yours sounds fairly comparable to DD when she was 13 - out and about with friends or at their houses, often picked up by us, all fairly safe and manageable.
DS is almost 14 and is much more adventurous, mainly as he has to get to footy training on his own 3 evenings a week which involves 2 trains and a walk, so when he goes off with his mates, we don't really worry as we know he can handle himself. (Well, he has so far - never say never)

We have the rule that they must be in phone contact and let us know where they are, who they are with, what they are doing, what time they plan to be back, etc. I do think it is a bit different when you live in a big city where lots of the teens are allowed out and about and where public transport is pretty reliable and free for teens.