Do you restrict your 14 years old's time out with friends?

[Alvah]

My son wants to regulate the time he spends in and out himself. In the past he has never been allowed out at weekend nights, (he stayed with his dad every weekend for the last 10 years). Now he stays with me full time and we are negotiating new rules...I feel uncomfortable about him being out for long periods at a time and especially on weekend nights. It is causing a whole lot of friction and I am sticking to my guns and also he is making it very clear how much he dislikes my rule setting. (Sometimes he refuses to come home, to punish me I think for not letting him go out). He says his friends don't even go home for dinner, they just stay out from early afternoon until late at night... I feel I need to see him so that I know he is okay and to make sure he eats properly, however I don't want him to be left out or be over protected because I am worried about what they might get up to or be exposed to. So what do other parents do on weekend nights when their teenagers want to go out with friends?!

I'll let you know once I get my teen out of her room

Depends what you mean by "out"

My teens (they are 13, 16, and 18 now) spend a lot of time "not in the house", but they are doing things, and I know where they are and who they are with.
I wouldn't be happy if they were just 'going out' with no news of where to, or who with, or what to do, or when they'd be back.
I do think they need some freedom to make decisions / choices for themselves as teens, and it's our responsibility to guide them sometimes, let them make poor decisions sometimes, and give firm boundaries sometimes. It's a delicate balancing act.

Walkingonsunshine00: Yes that is what he does when not out He will speak to me for a little while, if happy, and maybe say he's hungry... and once I have very kindly made him some food - he'll be in his room on his xbox

BackforGood: Thanks for reply

I mean out with friends as in going out for walks, playing football or hide and seek etc, to the shops, back to someone's house etc. I usually know who he's with and when I text him he'll tell me where they are /their plans. Tonight he was at his friends house until quite late but his mum let me know he was there and he text me, so that was fine.

But the truth is I don't really know what they do or where they go. It is when he is annoyed with me I worry, because that's when he's maybe do something out of character.

He gets annoyed at me now because he's not allowed out at weekend evenings with his friends (out to play, hang, socialise) and therefore today he stayed out all day without talking to me, and that worried me...

I know other/older kids get drunk at the weekends and so it increases the risk of the younger ones getting involved too.

Tomorrow he is going on the train with his friends for the first time to a nearby town to go shopping. It is a bit nerve wrecking but I feel he needs it.

All he wants is to be out with his friends these days.

Preciousbane: Thanks for your thoughts I also like to encourage him to spend time with friends who I know the parents of. However this becomes trickier now he's in secondary.

I suppose there are no easy answers and all is relative to each situation. Just find it all so scary and difficult. I am on my own with a hugely spirited 14 year old who 'is afraid of nothing'. Not sure how to get through these next few years with us all in one piece

Could you encourage him to get involved in something that interests him ? A sport or hobby ? That then takes up quite a bit of their time, and the amount of time left for "hanging around doing you know not what" is greatly reduced.
My dc are very involved in outdoor stuff - climbing, camping, walking, and other stuff they've started through the Scouts. Not only does it take a lot of their time and energy, but it tends to mean a lot of their friends are also the type of people who get on and 'do stuff' rather than the type of teens who hang around the park / street corner / town centre with nothing much to do, and therefore more likely to be bored and tempted to try things you'd rather they didn't. It doesn't have to be that of course - lots of people get involved in their favourite sport (or even watching sport?) or any one of a number of hobbies. The key is, that it uses up some of their spare time.

My 14 year old went to the movies with her two best friends today. Out at 6 and back at 10pm ish. Is that the sort of thing your ds isn't allowed to do? If so then that doesn't seem terribly fair (dd did have lifts set up). I can see that you'd not want him out all day and in the evening too on a regular basis, but every now and then shouldn't be an issue should it?

For what it's worth our 14yo dd is frequently gone for 24 hours at the weekend, with our agreement, as she goes out and then stays with a friend as most of her friends are in another part of London from us. We insist that she is contactable by phone and she sticks to that, and we feel that's a reasonable arrangement. They are a fairly cohesive bunch of friends and if they are to be believed it is all innocent stuff they do. Of course in a parallel universe it would be nice if she had positive hobbies/sports that she was into but we realised long ago that was not going to happen. And it could all be a huge lie and they could be going to drug-fuelled orgies on a regular basis. But I really doubt it, and short of hiring a PI to follow them I'm never going to know for sure.

How late are you talking about?

Ok, you may have noticed I'm not a mum, but I still need help, so I hope you don't mind. Our daughter is 15 and we have played the same rule, freedom is allowed if we know where she is. There have been some restrictions, but only when she has broken the rules.

Now to the problem and this is a real biggie. Our daughter is unwell (suspected ME) but having had so long off school, we are being threatened with fines (even though a lot of the time the school send her home). So now we insist she goes to school and let them decide as we cannot afford the fines. At least if they send her home we have a defence.

Now we come to this week our daughter wanted to go to London (we are in Manchester) with her boyfriend (of 6 months) and his family, we said no, now she is at there house refusing to come home. The Police and later today Social Services. I need advice.

If you saw a picture of the Mother I guarantee you would be freaked out as well.

P.S. forgot to say the lad she is seeing is 17 and broke up with her as he was going to a party and didn't want any complications, if you know what I mean.

Ds almost 14 year 9 would probably stay out all the time if he could. He had two sleepover parties for the last two nights and today he came home wanting to go out again. I had to say no even though I have no real reason for it other than "stay home for one day at least".

I find it hard to say no without a proper reason other than my peace of mind and wanting to see him around even though when he is at home he is mainly in his room.

School time he is not allowed out during the week, weekends though he can go out as he pleases.

hide and seek? really

00100001 : He is allowed out until 9.30 on week nights and 10 at weekends.
I have just decided to stick to this for a while, as long as he sticks to the times then I will try and trust that he is not up to no good. He comes home from school on week nights and stays in until after dinner, so goes out from around 6 or 6.30. Saturday he might go out in the afternoon, come home for dinner and then go out again in the evening. Sunday he is supposed to stay home, and I am going to hold onto this as I don't want him to be out every night. Some weeks he is out a lot, other weeks he is out some nights. I have also had to let go of the idea of getting him back into organised sports, as he cannot stand having any more adults 'bossing' him around (shouting football coaches etc. have put him off). He joined the gym, but has not been for a while. He says they get lots of exercise when out with friends, because they are running/messing around. (But what exactly are they doing...)

kilmuir: Yes, hide and seek in the dark is great fun, and is enjoyed by teens as well as little kids :)

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts, contributions and shared experiences. It is so hard sometimes to know where to draw the line.

I do worry. I worry about what they get up to. There is no smell of smoke, no signs of alcohol consumption, I do random weed urine tests after an incident in early December (which have been clear every week).
He came home with blood on his knuckles tonight though and joked he's been in a fight. But then evaded the questions and got cagey, so that was worrying again. Maybe he will tell me tomorrow if I back of it a bit today.
He is hard to consequence because he fights so hard back, so I really need to pick my battles wisely. I feel my worry poisons our relationship, almost as if I am expecting the worst, I am encouraging the worst in him..

Thanks again to everyone, and good luck with you teens too!