I need to help my son but don't know how.

[Otterwa]

Ny son (15) has low grade bullying at school - by low grade I mean sniping, spreading rumours etc. To be honest I'm not even sure if thisis low grade or not.

But he is obviously stressed and upset, isnt eating properly. He weighs 55kg but is 5ft 10in - is that too low?

He really doesnt want me to talk to school as he says I will make things worse. But I think I need do something, feel totally out of my depth and dont know where to turn

I think this kind of bullying is worse because it's so insidious and pervasive. Much easier for schools to act upon more dramatic episodes. Your poor son. Does he have a sensible and sympathetic Head of Year? Sometimes the school does make it worse, but sometimes you find someone who tackles it by changing around groups etc rather than telling anyone off. That might help, and your son might be more open yo telling the school if he thought that people wouldn't get told off.
They are such little shits, some of these kids. I am sorry. We've just taken my 13 yr old out of school because of bullying and he is happier, but still lonely. He just wants a group of nice friends who don't be spiteful, which shouldn't be too much to ask really. Hope you find some answers. Keep posting. Mumsnet v helpful xx

Thanks for your reply. School is quite strict and takes a dim view of any behaviour like this so I can understand where he feels that things could get worse.

When speaking to him yesterday he said that it was just the way it is and that he would just have to put up with it. Meanwhile I can see him unhappy, stressed and his school work starting to suffer.

I really don't think I can stand by and let it carry on, but I'm worried that the consequences of me telling the school could result in him then not feeling able to tell me anything which surely would be worse.

Your poor son. And you.

It is easily possible for the school to act on your concerns without your DS realising that you have alerted them. All it takes is his form tutor (or another teacher/SLT, etc) to tell him that he has noticed other pupils saying/doing stuff, and that your DS seems unhappy and that they are worried about him. If they have a decent pastoral system, they should be able to deal with it without him knowing that you have spoken to them at all.

Is he Y10 or Y11? I'm not sure about the weight - have you tried a BMI calculator? They are all different shapes and sizes!

BMI is 16.5 - that's low isn't it? He has always been thin but the not eating properly is becoming a real problem. He basically says he just doesn't feel hungry.

Over the xmas holidays he returned to normal ate well, slept well and seemed a lot happier. When I ask him what we can do he just says 'it's school and that's the way it is'.

He just seems so resigned to it all, that isn't how it should be at his age.

Take him to the doctor about his weight, that is very low. And definitely phone the school and tell them he is stressed and unhappy. They can talk to him about the bullying and keep an eye on him even if they don't take any direct action. It's possible they could get him to see a counsellor.

its not low level. its hideous.

like chinese water torture is not low grade torture etc

Do you think I can talk to the doctor without him? He has just left for school and agreed I can talk to his form teacher if I promise that they won't do anything. Will they do that or do they have a duty to act on what I say?

The form tutor has got a duty of care to your DS. They need to make sure he is safe and happy at school. As I said earlier, it is perfectly possible for them to take action and make it look like it is them that have raised the concern rather than you, IYSWIM.

Is there a pastoral system at the school?

I will speak to the form tutor and see if we can go down that route. These are the 'cool' kids at school, you can imagine the ones, mine is quieter and doesn't understand why he is targetted.

When you mention pastoral system - is this something outside of the form tutor? What form does it take? I think the younger years have mentor from the sixth form but I'm not sure about the older ones.

Can I ask when I speak to the form tutor, hopefully on the phone later today, do I name names? Do you think they will already know but are waiting for someone to say something? I want to stress he is unhappy with the rumours / comments etc but does have friends so it's not all bad. I don't want to appear like a drama mother but then I don't want to underplay it either.

IMO at this stage focus on your DS' unhappiness, that he doesnt feel safe. This sort of bullying can be very subtle. To an extent the bullies often dont realise they are bullying. To them it is just 'banter'. They dont understand the harm they do.

The solution may well be education rather than blaming.

The DC'S school have Mentors - paid adults who are very good at their job! Also think about Head of Year/ Head of KS3 who may also get involved if necessary

I went through this with my ds. Admittedly he was a couple of years younger, but the same sort of situation. I let it go for a couple of of terms because, like yours, ds was worried about it making things worse. Eventually it got to the stage where ds was faking illness in order to miss school, something he had never done before. I spoke to the head of year with pastoral responsibility. She was wonderful, took it seriously and dealt with the whole situation in a really understated way. She spoke to the boys involved about how their behaviour was affecting ds, and how she wanted them to behave in future. It worked really well, the problem was solved almost overnight, and it made ds realise that actually you don't have to put up with it, things can be done to stop it.

In my experience, you need to give the school some concrete information to deal with, so I would say give names and specific things that have happened,such as name calling etc. Schools these days should act decisively to stop bullying. If your son finds that things don't improve then you need to go back to the school again.

The boys may think this is only banter (hate that word) but they are not on the receiving end. They need to be made aware of what they are doing, this is the only way to stop it.

Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing. My ds is now in 6th form, has a lovely set of friends and is enjoying school.

Thank you - I haven't heard back from school yet although I assume it is likely to be lunchtime when someone is free to call. I think that is the solution my son is hoping for, that something will be said and it will stop.

The head of year is quite formidable as far as I understand so potentially a word from him might do the trick.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can help him reduce his stress levels whilst we sort this out? I think even if I can get it to stop he will be nervous for a while. I really need him to start eating/sleeping properly.

You asked whether you can talk to doctor without him. I did this once. I rang surgery and explained I had concerns about my DS and would like to chat with GP prior to bringing him in to see her. The receptionist arranged a call back and the GP was very helpful. It's difficult because of patient confidentiality even with a 15 year old but it's possible to ask for advice without them breaking confidentiality.

How to help him reduce stress levels. Are there other things in his life that cause him stress that you could help with? Travel for example? Sport or exercise really helps. If he's not already sporty is there something you could do together - gym or swimming or just long walks?

Its half term next week so it will give me a good chance to look at exactly what he is eating throughout the day and we can have a look at difference choices he could take for lunch. I am going to book him a check up for his asthma with the nurse which will be a good way to get his weight / height properly.

Exercise is a good idea, always helps me. Swimming might be tricky as we don't belong to a gym and I'm not sure if he would go to local pool but we can walk the dog together which will help and give us a chance to chat.

Sorry to keep asking qu's but does anyone think maybe vitamins might help? Do they do them for stressed teenagers?

Thank you again to everyone that has taken time to post, last night I felt so unsure where to turn - now I have a plan.

You can get a multi vitamin aimed at teenagers. I did try this once when DS1 wasn't eating well (in the sense of eating rubbish) but I'm not a great believer in supplements. A good diet is far more important.
What does he eat and does he sit down to eat with you? Is he just not interested in food or does he appear to avoid eating? Does he cook?

He doesn't cook but I cook lot. We all sit down together in the evening - he eats some but then just says he's not hungry and leaves it.

Breakfast I'm trying cereal bars as I thought they might be easier to eat. So this morning he had half packet belvita (one biscuit) and some blueberries.

He told me last night he eats half packet crisps at school at break, then about half his sandwich at lunch but nothing else. It just doesn't seem enough. When I ask him why he says he just doesn't feel hungry.

I asked him last night if he thought he was fat - he said that sometimes when he looks in the mirror he thinks he is but then when he's dressed he thinks not.

When I was younger I didn't eat when I was stressed / unhappy - unfortunately these days I tend to eat more!

We have appt next week for asthma check and they will check height / weight for me.

It's not low level anything if it is making him stressed and unhappy. I had similar at 15. Like your son I didn't want my mum to speak to the school or the school to speak to the students concerned. I was really scared it would escalate matters. With hindsight I can see that it would probably have nipped it in the bud and also contributed to making me feel like I had initiated action to sort the problem out. I think that would have been good for my self-esteem at the time. However, it was left and although it did tail off (the bullies variously gave up, moved on to other targets or left the school after GCSE's) it did leave an impression on my self-esteem and confidence that it took awhile to shed.

I think you do need to speak to the appropriate member of staff, ideally with your DS present and talk through the strategies available to resolve this. Let him know that if, in the hopefully unlikely event, things were to escalate then he can always report it again and harsher sanctions will be placed on the bullies.

In terms of managing his stress, would he be open to guided mediations or similar relaxation techniques? I found this helpful at his age.

Absolutely speak to the school (you can do that and ask them to handle your information discreetly) and yes, boys have eating disorders just like girls, so do monitor this and get appropriate help. Good luck, what a terrible worry.

I would be reluctant to use the word depressed but he certainly sounds very low and reduced appetite is a symptom of this. This is not "low level" if it is having this type of impact on his mental health.

You have answered your own question really:

^"Over the xmas holidays he returned to normal ate well, slept well and seemed a lot happier."

School is the problem. It is causing the stress, anxiety and eating problems. You need to approach the school, perhaps behind his back, and get them to sort this issue, if they can't or wont then you should seriously consider taking him out of that school.

If he were being beaten up every day would you even be asking what to do?

Hi OP, I'm a CAMHS practitioner; I was wondering if he could be depressed also (although obviously one cannot diagnose over the internet). I think attending the GP is a good idea, they might consider referring him to CAMHS or for counselling. If your son attends the GP with you do give him the opportunity to talk to the GP on his own also, as sometimes our teens do not want to completely open up in front of us as they do not want to worry us.
CAMHS would also be the service to get involved if there is any disordered thinking going on in relation to his weight / body image.
Glad to see that you are going to tackle the school issues.