Teenage DD and friends issue - another one, I know

[Modmother]

I know these issues come up here quite frequently and I've always totally agreed with the advice about parents not getting involved in friendship issues.

However, I am at the end of my tether and getting to the point of being really worried about my DD who is in year 12.

Since year 7/8, DD has been part of a group of 5. This group was DD and her best friend, another pair of best friends and another girl. The other girl - I'll call her B - has always clearly had an issue with not being anyone's 'best' friend, even though they have always functioned reasonably well as a group. Over the years I have seen her try to come between my DD and her friend, mainly by just inviting one of them to events with her, making bitchy comments, and being generally quite manipulative.

Anyway, last year, this all calmed down as B had a boyfriend and she pretty much withdrew from the group and prioritised her boyfriend over the girls. The remaining 4 got on just fine.

However, B's relationship broke up last autumn, and since then, B appears to have done everything possible to separate my DD and her friend. My DD has backed off, and although has been very upset, has seemed to unable to stop B pulling this friend away, regularly posting on social media about all the things they are doing etc.

She's come home in floods of tears again today, but she is so angry with B that it is starting to worry me. There is no way she even wants to get more involved in anything where B is present, a she thinks she is nasty, manipulative and bad mannered. From my observing of B over the years, I don't think she is far wrong.

Anyway, I have finally reached the point of thinking I should have a chat with DD's friends mum as a last ditch attempt to see what can be done, at least to take the heat out. I know her fairly well, and my DD was practically part of their family for such a long time, taking her on holidays etc.

I'm desperately worried about DD. If speaking to the mum isn't right then what the hell do I do?

Surely she isn't forcing this girl to spend time with her?
I know it must be hard to watch your dd being sad but you can't make someone want to spend time with you, and surely if the bf wanted to hang out with your dd she would just turn down some invites from b?

Unfortunately I think at 17/18 years your daughter would hate you to get involved in this. You'll have to let them sort it out for themselves. Presumably they'll all be finishing school in the not too distant future anyway and will all no doubt be moving on and making lots of other friends.

Whereisegg - I know what you mean. However, i think it is complicated by the fact that B has managed to latch on to the friend by telling her what she wants to hear. For example, the friend has recently started smoking and my DD and the others were trying to dissuade her from this. b appears to be happy to encourage it so in some ways is an 'easier' friend I guess.

The friend seems be rebelling a bit, possibly as a reaction to her parents' recent divorce. DD was there for her throughout this and is now really hurt that her friend seems to have changed.

Also, I think part of the problem is that my DD could tag along with them if she pushed her way in, however she can't stand to be in the same room as B any more. She's angry that her friend has allowed herself to be so manipulated too, so in many ways I think the friendship is possibly damaged beyond repair. I know tbat others in their year have seen this behaviour, so I'm not just blindly accepting my DD's view of life.

Having calmed down, I know that speaking to her mum would be the wrong thing. Unfortunately, she is only 16 so still has the remainder of this year and then next to go before she leaves.

DD has other friends, it is just so sad too see this happen.

I think you need to let your dd vent about bf and b, but just occasionally gently point out that bf is choosing to smoke/rebel/hang out with b.
Oh and be overly helpful with lifts etc to other friends in the short term to see her through

Good advice I think. I'll just need to learn to stop getting too worked up about it all myself!

Def good idea to stay out of it.

I think she's got many more years of friendship issues ahead of her. Friendships aren't all plain sailing. It's hard for teenagers as they can't deal with the strong emotions it throws up. Girls are the worst for this. It's almost like practice for relationships of the future.

I'd encourage her to do the adult thing. Tell her bf that's shes there for her but understands if she wants to stretch her wings and it's not some kind of exclusive relationship. The whole 'being angry at B ' is very childish (understandable!) but she needs to just hang out with people she wants to see, including her other two friends.

If B's presence makes that not enjoyable the she needs to find other friends. Movement into 6th form should facilitate this. She's about to embark on (some of) the best years of her life. She should find ways to enjoy them.

Sympathy and treats should also help!