Daughter bombing AS levels, her mum making it worse.

[Emu1969]

I have 2 daughters from my first marriage. They're 17 and 14. I've been divorced from their mum for nearly ten years now and now live with my wife and 2 yo adopted little boy. I see the girls on a very regular basis and they stay once in the week and every other w/e. My eldest scraped through her GCSEs with last minute efforts and said he would learn lessons for AS levels. She recently got 4 U grades in mocks.

She has a very shouty relationship with her mum and does no work there. I've talked with her college and we all agree that things need to change. I think she should come and live with us during her studies. I have a calmer relationship with her and can supervise her working. Im also a teacher. Her mum is taking this all personally though and refuses to let his happen just saying that it would be disruptive. She wants her to stay there and get into better study habits - something she has failed to do despite our efforts so far for years - and me to supervise. Clearly, I feel I can't do this properly as I don't live there! She'd be much better off at ours. Help! Advice? Her mother is VERY tricky to talk to and doesn't listen.

Yes. It's a big ask of anyone, I know.

Doea she feel she did as much work as she could have, since September? (If so, would it make any difference if she were at yours? Wouldn't she be better doing something else?)

Can she ask her tutors/teachers for extra help when she doesn't understand something? This is what held DD back initially. It took her a while to get used to all the different new teaching styles (including teachers who don't know their subject) and build new working relationships with teachers and students. It is knowing who to ask as well as what (and when). She has mocks coming up and will do better than she did at the end of last term, just because the work is now familiar and she understands it. Not because she wasn't working, but because she wasn't working as effectively or efficiently.

It seems you can get good GCSEs with minimal effort with ability but AS, and even more A levels require work as well as ability. U grades at mocks are not unusual among students with good GCSEs. Both of my DC have friends who have bombed at AS mocks. It is a wake up call and it can be turned round but the climb back is steeper.
I suspect her school or college will get her to drop to 3 subjects. Is there a parents evening coming up? DS2 has just done his mocks and those who got Us are having to resit their mocks next week.
I would ask these questions of your DD.
Does she just do homework or does she do more?
How does she use her free periods? Socialising or making use of the time to work?
Has she understood what was taught in lessons?
Does she understand exam technique?
What revision did she do?
Did she do practise papers and if so did she mark them and read the examiners reports?

On a practical note as you live nearby what about setting aside some times when she will come to your house and do her school work. You can be there to remove distractions help her?

You could help by sitting with her and reviewing which topics she did particularly bad on, then helping her draw up a revision timetable which allows time for consolidating her notes. She needs to consolidate her notes after each lesson and not leave it until 'revision time'. For maths and sciences, the best revision (after consolidating notes) is past papers - using revision books/notes initially - what subjects is your DD doing? Does she need a tutor in any of the subjects? Is she struggling to understand the topics or has she just not put the work in? Is she enjoying her subjects and 6th form? What is she doing at this moment in time? My DD1 (year 13) works at least 2 or 3 hours every evening 4 evenings a week (1 evening she has a paid job) and generally does 5 hours on a weekend day. She also works in her 'frees' - she still fits in lots of parties and socialising. DD2 (year 12) does less at weekends but still manages to keep on top of things during the week. We have curtailed our social activities as 'a family' to allow them time 'to get on with things'. At the beginning of year 12, they did need to be 'encouraged' to work/study but it has become part of everyday life now. It is a massive jump from GCSEs.

Sorry just cross-posted with a couple of posters.

Yes agree about past papers, in arts subjects too!
Maybe suggest she has study sessions with her friends too; might help the ones who are struggling to work with the ones who aren't - getting tips from peers not just parents.

Hope the chat goes well later. I'm sure it will be hard for her to avoid getting defensive, so I suspect you're going to have to muster up a lot of patience! Maybe try to get her to tell you what she wants first, and what support she'd like. Get her to think of solutions IYSWIM.

Yes. Thanks- All of that very helpful. We've just had parents eve- that's where things came to a head. College been supportive and keeping her in all day and suggesting support periods.

He is working without phone in our dining room as we "speak". phone check with ex went well and three of us talking through situation later. Am going to print out past papers so she's not distracted by Internet / social networking.

We'll see- mostly down to her from there on ...

Thanks hello / peas / Figg for advice

Update: went round to ex's and it's been sorted. Eldest to stay with us most of time. I don't expect miracles, but it will give her a fighting chance to sort herself out and get her head down. It was a big deal for ex and she did well to put our daughter's future ahead of what she feels. A lot rests on how the next few weeks go...

well done!

Wow! Good luck with settling her into a study routine. I'm sure it will be worth it in the end.

Well done, and best of luck to you and your DD.

Sounds like a good plan. It's not too late to turn things round. My DS and his mates decided this week to put their heads down, stop the partying and late nights and get on with AS studies for the next few months after a mixed bag of mocks. Hopefully you can give your DD some self belief and calmness with a new routine.
Good luck !

Ok. So we're two days into DD1 (is that right? Or is it D1? And what does the first D stand for?) living at ours. She seems positive and has done full days at college plus 1 and half hours each evening - working in dining room with no phone or laptop. Early days but she seems to want it to work; and ex (what's abbreviation or that?) has been supportive. Fingers crossed that this is start of new era!

Plus- thanks clay, mom and fig for encouragement!

That's good to hear.

DD1 - dear/darling daughter one.

Ex is just ex!!

Ah! Obliged. So if I don't put the first D in I dont like them? Or is it always DD1 etc? Am new. And male. You might have guessed.

We are always nice on here. The only time we drop the D is in front of an H that we are pissed off with. Those threads are known as LTB threads. Leave the Bastard. You might have guessed. Welcome to mumsnet!

Ha! Brilliant. It's another blinking language. I was on here a while ago under diff name; but never got into whole lingo thing as didn't stay on Long enough. Was trying to promote blog and they told me off so insert off in a huff.

Def should be able to turn around mock AS results, but maybe not enough for what she wants to do. I have known a couple of kids who did badly in AS, then changed tack and went to a different sixth form college and did a BTEC. One is now doing really well at a Russell Group uni, and the other has an offer from a different RG uni. There are no exams with BTECs, just coursework, so they can suit a lot of kids. Worth bearing in mind in case you need a plan B. Best of luck with the new regime, I think you've had loads of great advice here from people who've been there!

Thanks Mindgone. Yes- a lot of good advice which I've taken on board. Thanks to everyone.

You're very welcome Emu, btw, private tutors can be an enormous help if you're in a position to be able to use one, even once in a while.