teen(17) dd who has no concept of personal hygiene

[tiredwithtwins]

hi,
ive been looking through the enormous amount of generous information on here for the past few hours - its fantastic!!
however, just wanted to ask a specific Q about my dd who is 17 1/2 and who seems to have no care over her personal hygiene.
she is the eldest of 3 - she has twin 14yr old brothers.
I have always worked, my now ex never really got involved with the kids (we split 2 years ago) so I had to get into a routine from an early age - kids always had a bath twice a week on sunday, and midweek on weds - as a nurse I worked shifts and was also studying part time so daily baths just didn't fit in! They went to childminder after school and during hols, until dd got to about 15 and wanted to hang about after school with friends or come home on her own. I always made sure they were clean, teeth brushed and had clean clothes on, but about 3 years ago my dd started to neglect her hygiene and its gradually got worse. I have to remind/nag/cajole/bribe her to brush her teeth in the morning and she will only shower more than once a week if I nag her constantly.
Her BO is awful - ive tried everything from being subtle/tactful, to buying her expensive showers gels/deodorants/perfumes, to shouting at her and being blunt about how bad she smells.
shes a shy, quiet girl who studies hard but only achieves average grades, she doesn't go out in the evenings, but does have a small group of lovely friends who seem to accept her as she is ... from what I can gather through subtle questions is that her friends don't mind - ive tried explaining that once out in the workplace people might not be so kind but she just shrugs and says so what.

she was bullied badly at school, through junior school and most of senior school but im unsure if this has had anything to do with her current habits.
what else can I do to turn these bad habits around?
thanks so much for reading
sue xx

This sounds like a difficult situation for you both. It is terribly painful as a mum to see our children neglecting themselves. It sounds like you have provided her with all the things she needs to care for her body and she is choosing not to. You cannot force a nearly adult woman to shower if she does not want to. You have pointed out the social and economic consequences of not bathing. It may be that you just have to leave her to it.

Having said all that, sometimes poor hygiene in teens and adults can be one indication of depression. Have you had spoken with anyone from school, given her history?

thank you for replying so quickly :)
she can be depressed at times, but blows very hot and cold - bright and chatty one minute then a grumpy face the next ... I just put it down to hormones.
school and college have always given me excellent feedback and said that although she is very quiet they have never had concerns re depression - she has been/is a perfect student by all accounts - cant praise her highly enough re her study ethic, always very kind and helpful to those less able, always looks after the quiet students and befriends the friendless, and likes to support charities and campaigns that champion those less able ...

Gosh, there are so many things that spring to mind reading your OP.

Is there sibling rivalry in your household? (I have four teens between 14-18 and the SR is atrocious at times). Does she get on with the twins is there a little sibling rivalry going on?

Is this "teen smoke signals" for I am something huge going on and I want you to notice?

Is it left over issues from the bullying perhaps? Has it left her with self-esteem or body image issues. Did she have any counselling at all?

If you think back to three and a half years ago, you said that she was out and about with friends. Did something happen, like perhaps, did she come across one of the bullies or did her group of friends change?

How is she coping with puberty as a whole? How is she coping with her body changes and periods?

Lots of thoughts, and perhaps I am really wide of the mark but I am just thinking of some of the issues I have had with my kids.

Keep posting.

Tired, I'm with ironing, she may be feeling some kind of way about very painful things that have happened to her and just can't find the words to express those feelings. Almost shouting to the world, I WILL KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ME IN ANYWAY I MUST! I could be way off base here.

Maybe just back off for a bit, leave her to it but be around if she wants to chat. Some of the best chats I had with my mum as a teen were when we were occupied with an activity and not directly looking at each other, takes the pressure off, I guess..

Welcome to Mumsnet.
Yes to all of ironings questions.

I was like this from 15-25 - body confidence issues, I couldn't shower as I couldn't bear to see my body or look in the mirror to do my hair. I had some atrocious habits and lost perspective.