Really dislike my daughter.

[sprout44]

I know this comes across as being a toxic parent but my dd 15(oldest of 3 girls) is a nighmare and has always been so bold and difficult. We have always been at each others throats. I have a great relationship with the other two as they are good and quite, ;i know perfect children. DD1 is impossible to talk with, we have been going on like this for years but now i just want to give in and let her do her own thing.. She comes in from school and shouts and bossies us all. Also what i hat e most is she is so nasty and in paticular to her sister 13 who always annoys her. I cannot even begin to explain all the problems she causes and in the way i handle it, i resent her for all this. I do love her but do not like her, she does not anything to be good or nice in our family. Its all about herself. I have done many a nice thing for her even more than her sisters and she just takes it for granted. I am not talking to dh now as he got mad at me the other night for shouting at her. He is not here most of the time so he has more patience with her. I cannot bear that she has turned out like this. Of course she is well loved at school and has friends coming out her ears but at home we are just the dirt. I know i ddi not explain things so well here and it s all negative, I find it hard to feel nice about her as she said some horrible things to me earlier. We have tried taking things from her and not allowing her to go out to a disco but its short lived. I do not think i can survive her.

Your d is a teen and this is how they can act. A teens brain is making them slowly become an independant adult. The way it does that is to feel hatred, anger and embarrassment about it's family. They all feel this some more than others. It is out of their control. Also a teen brain to become adult starts pushing boundaries and questioning authority. That is why sanctions often don't work. If she has been difficult for years you could throw in sibling rivalry.
She will be able to tell how you feel about her and that also will add fuel to her anger. Teens are also selfish they find empathy hard when they are effected. Again some more than others.
Please read - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It will explain what is happening, why she is the way she is and how you should deal with it.
Take this advice. Ignore her strops. Agree with her. Don't try to fix stuff. Eg I look shit in all my clothes. Instead of replying - you have lovely clothes, you look great , I bought you all your clothes that's a bit rude.
Reply. I know how you feel. I have days like that too.
Walk away. Leave it at that. Instead of fixing the problem your just acknowledging it. This normalises it and makes her feel understood. The situation calms and alls good. But please read the book.

I didn't much like my daughter when she was 15 either

I found it the worst age for attitude, sheer bloodymindedness, disrespect and arsiness

She is lovely now

oh, and btw, she hasn't nearly "turned out" yet

give it time

I have 3dds to and can honestly say I very much disliked my eldest at that age she was absolutely foul. It really was a phase and she is now 4yrs on just so lovely, she was lovely at 15 but it appears only to everyone else!

The second is now in the midst of it, keep the lines of communication open and remember it's the teenage bit you dislike which will hopefully go away and you will get your dd back soon. One of the hardest things I found was how difficult my dh found my feelings as she wasn't as moody with him. I think by now he's finally getting it a bit more.

I myself was a really horrible teenager I now realise.

I've been there with my daughter, it truly is just a phase. Some dominant personality types go through this phase with more aggression. A teenage brain is actually "wired" differently. Keep grabbing on to the lovely stuff, praise it to the hilt (she will tell you it's patronising but keep going), and hold on to these moments when things are bad. Don't hold onto the negative stuff - it will all layer up and become a barrier. If the situation is becoming damaging to your relationship with her, or your other DC, then seek professional help (I accessed "SSFS" through the GP) - it's the best thing I ever did. Each week is still exhausting, but the number of successes is growing. She loves you, you love her. Keep going and don't be scared to ask for help.

My DD was not particularly likeable at that age either.
It does get better, let her know you love her and try not react, easier said than done I know!
She will come out the other side.
Deep breath!

Thanks so much for your replies, i was almost afraid to open this up this morning as i thought i was too harsh about her but it was how i felt and i wanted to say it. I am horrible to her and never give her a chance, if the other dd who is 13 does act up i am so forgiving as i know she is 90 per cent of the time good and nice to me. Just last week i brought dd to a type of Youth centre in our city and she refused point blank to go first but dh presuaded her . She says she will go back for the next 6 weeks as that is all the time we are given. I told her its just for her to say what she wants to the lady so maybe she can tell her why she is so angry. Its a start anyway. I wish i did not take it all to heart. I have heard about that book you mentioned and bought the sample on my kindle, i think i wll get it now but honestly i have a room full of self help parnting books all for her. My other two are super easy and hate shouting and fighting, I wish it was just the teen phase but i feel we will always be at logger heads and we are so similar.

My DD was a nightmare young teenager and at times I was in despair about the turmoil and chaos she caused in our daily life. pay back time for my teenage years

At the time someone told me that "easy children don't make successful adults" - whilst not necessarily true, what I think they meant was that whilst being quiet and compliant may seem desirable qualities in a child, to get on in life as an adult it is quite useful to be able speak your mind and argue your point. Now my DD is sufficiently mature to add qualities like empathy, patience and kindness to her stubbornness and argumentativenessarticulateness, she has grown into someone who I am truly glad to know.

Yep, people who are similar tend to spark off each other

Just hang in there. The year leading up to my DD's GCSE's was pretty horrific. Some days I could barely look at her and I am sure she felt the same. She never had the the same sheer animosity with her dad who is a polar opposite to both of us. I reckoned at one time she was throwing her exams just to spite me (sounds silly now)

Anyway, when I look back with hindsight all the arguments were a complete waste of time. They made not a jot of difference to the outcome of her exam results and the only thing they did was potentially ruin our relationship

I am so glad I managed to not allow it to escalate further as it would have been a lot more difficult to come back from. I found spending less time stressing about what was happening in her life, stepping back from the attempts to micro manage and concentrating on my own shit was the key.

Now we get on great, she is a wonderful young woman (was never going to be a high flier academically....basically simply too lazy which she admits now) and she acknowledges we were only trying to help and wishes she had complied better with our plans and advice. No matter. Her life to have regrets as she sees fit. I know I tried my best and you have to tell yourself that too.

Take care of all of your family and things will work out xx

What AF said. DD at 15 was a utter hellbitch, fat, self-loathing and well on the way to a lifetime of custody interspersed with menial work. At 19, she's a charming attractive young woman, progressing academically through talent and hard work.

The most disappointment we showed was a raised eyebrow, and our best sanction was removal of privileges. No ranting, no grounding, no withdrawal of affection. Counselling worked.

Grit your teeth and never stop loving her. Good luck.

I must admit that I dont like my 15 year old daughter either, although I truly love her to bits, and I am at the point of just giving in and letting her do what she wants. We are clashing over curfew times, school work, phone usage etc and I am fed up with the arguments and tears (mine mostly) and bad atmosphere at home. She is utterly selfish and cares about nobody but herself and her friends and she freely admits this and almost seems proud of it. I dont know what to do. People tell me its just a phase they go through and that it will pass but I am struggling at the moment.

Sadly sprout44, I have to say I agree with LondonZoo. The evidence is in everything you have written.
My daughter, between the ages of 14 - 24 was a real challenge... she pushed every boundary imaginable with some brow raisingly, shocking tactics.
I like to believe that we all, whatever age, should be able to learn from our own mistakes - and Oh yes, we do make them throughout life. Sometimes however, for some people, that is not possible until they are removed from the situation and are able to look back, with an open mind!
Don't allow the looking back to be with regret and sadness.

It is doubtless that she 'already' knows how you feel and is also taking it out on your other 'darling daughters' because she is jealous of the positive attention, love and affection that you give them.

I know it's hard, and it's hard having to be the adult that should know better than our children and how to deal with negative situations in a positive way.

I can tell you, through experience, that the massive weight you feel at present... and hers... will immediately be lifted if you sit down with her, without distractions, and ask her how she feels about your relationship. Keep your mouth closed and your ears wide open. Accept what she is saying, it is how she feels and I cannot believe that you don't want to know that.

If you have the ability to stand outside & look in to admit that there is some (or a lot ) of truth in what she tells you - Apologize!
Tell her you love her with all your heart, that you are so proud Of her and that you're sorry if you have given her too much responsibility for not being your idea of how your daughter should be.
Tell her that this difficult relationship makes you feel really sad, rather than be angry and that you have failed her as much as yourself.

Just watch what happens next!

After she has picked herself up off the floor, she will feel humbled, and maybe even a little respect, that you have been big enough to admit you have been wrong!

Now give her the love and respect that you admit a lot of other people are happy to give her and turn this thing around.

Take care of all 3 of your girls, don't be so hard on yourself, take a step back, lead by example and they will unconsciously follow. X