Feel a failure - sad and shouted at kids...

[teatimeatthezoo]

Hello,

Not a moan-fest. I think I am usually upbeat, but feeling so sad and flat and a failure as a mum. I am a single parent to 16 (about to be 17) b/g twins. I work part-time and think up to now I have done an OK job. I am quite a solitary person so our house isn't full of people and socialising. We spend the summer as an extended family in Devon and have lovely big family Christmases. I try to do nice things individually with each child too and we go out for meals altogether with my partner. DD has her own social life and son (mild Aspie) is just getting into online meeting of girls/music etc. But they are both in the 'grunt and ungrateful' stage. So I suppose I am feeling a bit martyred. Last night I cooked a meal (they both often complain they don't like/aren't hungry despite many meal variations) and made solitary conversation with not a single reply. Son had arsed about me knocking on his door ("It's annoying") when I called him down to dinner. Anyway, when daughter had a fit because I was in the bath at 10pm and she still wanted one, I just lost it. I shouted at them both that I was "**ing sick" of being treated as less than human. DD shouted back that she wanted to leave as soon as she could and son just grunted. I think I am a nag and also a bit joyless with them (I ask about their college work often and seem to have lost the art of talking about anything other than college work). But even so, I am feeling so sad and miserable about it all at the moment.

Thanks for listening.

Actually, that was a big moan. Blurgh...

What I am trying to say, in this pool of moaning, is that I feel I have **ed up as a mother and they are going to hate me and life is poo. OK....that is about 10 years of moaning debit now.

Your allowed to explode every now and then. They are being normal grumpy teens and ignoring it is the way to go. ........ But! I expect everyone gets a build up of I've had a guts full and out it comes. It will do them good to see it every now and then. And no they won't hate you, they will love you and they won't leave home at the first opportunity.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel, when everything you cook, buy is wrong, in our house its so difficult to please everyone. They seem so quick to criticise over anything and everything.

Don't feel bad for shouting, yours are a smidge older than my 4 (all girls), and occasionally I will feel as if I have had enough of being treated like shit and will have a massive blow up. It wont do them any harm and they wont hate you.

So you've got though 16 years of motherhood without shouting in a completely unreasonable fashion at your children? Because in my book, that makes you a practically perfect parent. You're certainly a better woman than me.

Every time I lose my temper with my dc I comfort myself with the thought that it's good for our children to realise that I'm actually human, and have feelings that matter.

You have not ###ked up. Bringing up kids alone (especially teens) is a nightmare! You are doing a great job. I've already been there with my oldest 2 and have twin DD's 6 years. Am bloody dreading going there again! You have my sympathy . You are a great mum who clearly loves her kids.

You are not a failure.

I'm finding interacting with my teen joyless at certain times and it's making me blow a gasket the remainder! And you have double.

It's nowhere near the same as shouting at a little one. In fact I read research where parents took family rows to heart whereas teens found them far less upsetting!

I also remember back to periodically "hating" my mum and now I love and respect her for my upbringing. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Thank you all. It was balm to read your helpful and kind words. I think I had just reached the tipping point after so many meals where I made conversation to a wall of silence, grumpy replies (if at all) to kind offers, constant fighting with each other, unwashed plates, demands for things and general rudeness and ingratitude. I know they are normal teenagers and I do see moments of loveliness in them, but sometimes the huge unreasonableness of teenagers just gets to me. So I calmed down at work today, got my head together and came home with resolve to make it better. I made a nice supper and over supper I apologised for shouting and said that I would also like them to think about how they talk to me, and also how they fight all the time with each other. Then I asked if they wanted to say anything. My son didn't but my daughter told me how she was afraid I was going to hit her (apparently I have a history of violence as I smacked her on the hand when she was a toddler) and how I was "spitting" with anger. I did say that violence was totally out of character and as unlikely as snow in summer and I think she knows that, but I think teen girls do love a good drama. However, I played fair and said I was sorry if I scared her. Some semblance of normality here but I am going to watch the Martyrdom levels before they reach boiling point again. Thank you all for listening. It made such a difference and got me out of a horrible slump and helped me turn it around. You are good women x x

I know how you feel . I can take the tantrums and teenage rage when they take the time to chat inbetween the rages.
Everything i mention is "God your so annoying you always ask that" before storming off . Its a joy isn't it. A very thankless task but I'm hopeful one day (hopefully bloody soon) they will appreciate it.

Lucy - I had to laugh. Yes, I am also accused of repeating myself (teenager emits huge sigh and says so very grumpily). However, it has usually taken 3 or 4 times of asking to get this reply lol!

They are being nicer tonight. I think the shock of the screaming banshee mother has shaken us all up a bit.

I am in a similar situation with two teens aged 15 and 16. It's really hard work. I often wake in the morning and think "Oh no another day to get through".....
You are fully entitled to explode from time to time. I think sometimes it helps get the message across. Don't feel bad about it.
Also make sure you make time for yourself and do something you enjoy. Don't be a martyr.

Hi Travelled ~ Definitely trying to avoid the Martyr explosion! x

FWIW teatime - I agree with everything on this thread.

I lived with only my mum. It must have been horrible for her; me sitting sullenly across from her at the dinner table, thinking she knew nothing about anything.

Once. Just the once - she threw a mug on the floor. I laugh to remember it now. I was so shocked. I can't remember what I'd said/hadn't said/done to trigger her 'rager' (as the kids say) but we went on to have a brilliant relationship.

Hopefully your first teen is nearly out of the worst of the teenage stage. IME from the age of 17 they begin to return to their former nice selves.

(My DD once said she'd like to move out - she was 16 at the time - the next day she woke up with a hideous cold and never mentioned moving out again).