My DD hates me and wants to live with her dad, please help

[TrustyTrudy]

Hi

I'm new to this site and need some help with my 11 dd. She started year 7 th is year and slowly but surely she has turned into a nightmare.

Everything has turned into a fight. At the moment she is grounded for giving me attitude when I called her to come in for her tea.

The problem things are just esculating at a rate that scares me. Last night I asked her to help dry the dishes as she should be helping with chores round the house now. Anyway it esculated to a huge row where I ended up grabbing the tea towel out her hand and she stormed off screaming how she hated me and wants to live with her dad.

I may have over reacted slightly by stripping her room to bare essentials and told her that she will have to earn her stuff back by good behaviour.

But I was at the end of my tether with her. My dd has never been a very affectionate child, but the attitude we been getting lately has been disgracefull.

I dont know how to cope with this situation and what to do with her.

She has been through alot of change in the last year and had to cope with alot. I know she hates the new town we moved too, I dont like it much either but we cant move again.

I am looking into clubs for her to join and I'm hoping this will help her settle.

Please help I need some advise desperately, I feel like I'm losing my baby.

From

A desperate mum

i'd tell her no. shes got you til shes 18

then plan a nice saturday - get your nails done - get her some highlights.

sometimes with teens its such a bloody battle you forget to just be nice!

Oh poor you. The start of adolescence can be a really hard time. I'd recommend you buy How To Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. It might help get you out of this awful rut. Also, maybe, could you take her out somewhere nice or do something you both enjoy and ask her how she's feeling and what she thinks is a reasonable level of cooperation and help around the house. Good luck.

Oh i do feel for you Trudy. The thing with adolescence is that they are going through big changes anyway and with a move as well.

I would say choose your battles. I could be on to my dd (14) all the time but i try and ignore the not so important things (i can't pull her up over everything otherwise i would be doing it all day )

The suggestion about doing something nice together is a good one. My dd spends a lot of her time with her friends now but when we do spend a day doing something together, it is nice to be reminded that we can get on.

I think it was hard for me when my dd started to change becaused i took it all so personally - but now realise she is just a normal teenager.

Of course it is hard if you are separated because any argument, they will say that they want to go and stay with dad.

Does she have many friends where you have moved to and at school?

Good luck x

dd is 13 now and have to say that 11 and 12 were sods of years as so many things happening at once. now although she doesn't like herself much she is much easier to be around and so am i. have had to make huge efforts and agree about choosing your battles and setting parameters which can be re-negotiated at certain times. chores pre-agreed and if not done no pocket money or phone credit. you have to try not to brought down to the same level. if she's rude, tell her she can come and talk to you any time she is ready to speak properly and politely. b polite to her. as for wanting to live with dad, grass is always greener and easy to romanticise about the parent you see less. she's too young to make that choice now. have always told my dd that she can make that choice at 16 (which would break my heart) so long as not playing us off against each other. is there a flo or a councillor at her school, someone she can go to?

Thank you girls.

You have all given me alot of things to think about.

This weekend her stepdad is taking her for a day out to Thorpe Park on Saturday as I am going to the babyshow in London with my sister in law and the babies, (I have a 18 month old too). So I am going to try and take her out for the day just me and her the following Saturday shopping or swimming or something. We are also going to get back into our swimming together sessions just me and her.

I have decided to not make a big thing about the dishes thing and last night we agreed on doing dishes together as a family, I wash, she dries and Peter(my partner) packs away.

It worked reallywell and she earned her stereo and cd's back for good behaviour all day. I have not had any attitude either, so it looks like for the moment she has realised I'm not caving in and to just get on with it.

I just need to work on what to concentrate on and what to let go with our disagreements.

I am starting to feel like there might be abit of hope at the end of the tunnel.

I am sure this wont be the last post I will be typing.

Thanks Again.